I was thinking today about what someone just starting out as a dominant may be feeling.
Ok.. so you have figured out that your a dominant, now what?
Well… now days things are a little different than when I started out. When I started to learn there was very little information available and the bit that did exist was in hard to find books. So back then you pretty much needed a mentor. I was lucky in that. But now with the explosion of the internet there is vary little you cant learn if you put your mind to it. Except…. it’s just theory. And it often doesn’t take into account that real life situations are not usually perfect. Your sub may be tired, or have an injury, or be grumpy because of something.. you get the picture.
What you need more than anything is experience. This is not to say you shouldn’t learn as much as possible first… definitely do that.
Here are some topics to read up on.
Setting the mood, (this is way more important than most people think. Drawing your submissive into that mindset can be difficult at times. Especially if you want to play and they have had a rough day. Real life happens remember? A good domanent prepares. Learn how.)
Mental manipulation and conditioning, ( remember, your sub WANTS you to take control of them. Control is a much deeper thing than just giving orders. It’s about makeing your submissive WANT to serve you.)
Pretty much anything on human psychology,
Gear and technique.
That should get you started in the right direction. Never stop learning.
Now on to experience… so you have learned all you can and found someone you like that is willing to submit. Take it slow.. learn everything you can about your submissive. Talk with them about everything you can think of.. you never know what you may find. Ask the hard questions. Those are usually the most important in the long run.
Once you have gotten to know your submissive then it’s time to play. Start slow. Build towards the harder things. Don’t expect your submissive to jump right into the more advanced parts of bdsm. At this point it is more about establishing the dynamic than what you are doing. Find what works. You will make mistakes, and that’s ok. Just own them and learn from them. It’s all part of the process.
Be available. Most submissives crave that feeling of control. It makes them feel safe and cared for. This goes back to makeing the submissive want to serve you. Remind them of why they chose you in the first place. Do little things to make them feel controlled. Inspire them to crave your attention. But be careful, once a submissive is in that headspace.. if you deny them the attention they so desperately seek it can feel like you don’t care or like it is a punishment.
Hold yourself accountable. If your the one in control then the buck stops with you. If your submissive is acting out or feeling down.. it’s up to you to correct the behavior, or do something to change their mood. And if you make a mistake or hurt your submissive they will not always volunteer that information. Be aware of your own actions and how they effect your submissive. Check in with them frequently and make shure they are not hurt, or mentally exhausted.
Best wishes in your journey -SirHanz