As I sit today and contemplate my life.. my past.. my future.. I stare up at the gray clouded sky and it today seems like a mirror. I have never been the dark.. or the light. But always something in between. People are always looking for one or the other it seems. A bad boy… a good man.. but almost never a gentle heart with a naughty mind. Though.. I may be just dence and dont see it.
I am also at fault for hiding myself through much of my life. Not literally.. but hiding my true self. I have my reasons, and they are valid I believe. But it makes most interactions with people feel a little off. They see only what I show them, not who I really am. And even if I told them all about me most could never really understand. So I wear the mask, both as protection for myself and to make it easy for others to interact with the me they see.
And then something happens… I meet someone.. someone who does understand. And I am lost. Imagine going through your life.. year after year.. able to talk and sing.. in a world full of mutes. No one talks.. no one sings.. and you have to pretend to be mute to be accepted by the world.
Then you hear a voice, singing in the darkness. You follow the sound and find someone incredibly beautiful… you free your voice and speak without the mask. The connection is instant. They are kind.. brilliant.. and share so much in common it’s scary. Could you not fall for them? With the potential to be able to share so much of yourself that you have kept hidden.. could you not love them? Knowing the pain they have suffered… could you not want to embrace them and do whatever you could to ease their burden and make them happy?
I ask myself if this is the weaving of fate.. or simply luck.. I know not. But whatever it is… it is real. At least to me. I dont know what the future holds for me. But I know this tarnished mask grows heavy with age. And some days.. the gray days that portend cold rain… all I want is to let it fall and damm the consequences. But I can not… the price is too high. But one day.. one day i know, it will be too heavy. And on that day.. I will be free. Or i will burn. I have time yet.. maybe years, i hope i can live them well. And maybe.. if i am just lucky enough.. spend them with someone who can hear me sing.
For now i look forward along the misty path, it is narrow and there are many temptations to lure me from it into the dark. But strength still remains in me and while it does i shall not falter. So i work.. and rest when i am too weary to continue, i learn and look within to make myself a little better each day. And I hope to one day no longer be the gray sky that fills me with longing and wistful desire for that which is beyond my reach. I hope to be the light.
Best wishes -SirHanz