As I sit wakeing this morning from a bad dream and wallowing in insecurity I wonder if I will even bother to do anything for the holidays. Hell… the whole reason I cook for Thanksgiving is for the pleasure of the one I am with. This year… the stove will be cold. Cooking a big meal is another form of art for me. Juggling times and temperatures, spice and ingredient, each comeing together to form a beautiful balance of flavor.
sigh and this year… there is no joy in it. I doubt I will cook so much as a biscuit. It just feels wrong if there is no joy in the kitchen. So I will go to work.. like any other day. Come home… have a salad then to bed. And try to forget the day is any different from any other.
I will put up the Christmas tree some time the week after because cookie likes it. But I doubt I will even take time off for Christmas. Why bother? So I can sit at home wishing I had someone to spend it with? Pass.
Dont get me wrong.. I love the holidays. The joy and celebration are something I charish. And their in lays the problem. It’s all about sharing time and being close. Shared experience of being happy doing things together.. which I love. And that is missing this year. Doing holiday things without the one you care about just makes you feel more lonely than ever. So yah.. I wont be watching xmas movies or bakeing savory treats this year. It would just make me sad. Just thinking about it hurts. I’m shure one day I will recapture that joy. But this year will be hard.