Anxiety and bdsm

Welcome back to the bdsm portion of my blog. For those of you just here for the poetry… read it anyway!  You may learn something!
 
Anxiety… we all know it. And we all handle it in different ways. But if your a submissive.. there are more options than xanax.  The endorphins released during an intensive play session or depending on the submissive… even a just a bit of impact play can do a lot for the alleviation of anxiety.  This is often a case of not what you want… but what you need. And a good dominant will recognize the warning signs of building anxiety and work to head it off before it gets too bad.
 But there will always be times when ether the dominant cant be there or for some reason is unaware of the submissives mental state. Its times like these when the sub is tested in not only their ability to communicate under duress but their ability to submit when their dominant is not present.
 Let’s look at anxiety and its different forms. Low level anxiety is the kind you get when picking out cloaths for a first date. Or the little bit of stage fright when talking to a large crowd.  This kind of low level anxiety is fairly common and easy to manage.  In a bdsm dynamic some simple words of encouragement or a kind gesture can often elevate this type of anxiety.  Mid level anxiety it what you may feel when your in a car wreck or just got arrested. Some people struggle with this kind of anxiety over simple (to the rest of us) decisions.  Like what to have for dinner. Or what to wear. Haveing a dominant that can step in and make those decisions for them can give them a lot of peace of mind.  Not only that they dont have to make the choice, but also the knowledge that if their anxiety starts to climb in the future the dom will be there to help. High level anxiety is a different beast all together.  It can range from panic attacks to full blown inability to function on the most basic levels. This is usually a byproduct of trauma of some kind.  Bdsm should never be used as a treatment for this kind of anxiety.  However.. in combination with therapy,  possibly medication,  and other mental health tools… it can be an effective way to supplement that treatment.  The mental health tools will help a submissive reduce the high anxiety to mid or low anxiety and the endorphins released through play may help further reduce their stress. 
 As with most things in bdsm communication is essential.  If dropping your submissive into subspace can help hold off a panic attack then that’s something the submissive needs to communicate.  If as a dom your not shure how a sub will react if you try to help alleviate anxiety with play, you could do harm instead of good. Many submissives deal with anxiety.  Talk to them and find out what they know helps. And if they are not shure if something will help or not.. go slow. Baby steps. And constantly monitor and check in with them to find out if it is helping or makeing things worse.
 Now let’s look at what you can do for a full blown panic attack.  It will vary person to person but the skills a dom uses in aftercare are often vary effective in helping someone suffering from a panic attack.  If possible talk to them and find out what they need in times like that well before it becomes necessary.  And if they dont know then treat it like aftercare for an intence impact session.  The idea is to refocus the mind away from what is causing the panic and onto something else. Anything you can do to help them focus on what they are seeing, hearing, feeling, tasteing.. will help draw the mind away from the panic. Unless you have experience with this I recommend only doing what the submissive asks or has asked of you. For some any kind of physical touch may only make the panic worse,  some it will help. So be careful and know the sub well enough to be able to tell if something is helpful.
 So to wrap up… anxiety is a bitch. We all get it. Some get it for reasons others dont. Bdsm or impact play can help some people.  But it’s not a cure, it’s a bandage.  It’s more important to get the submissive to work on the cause of the anxiety than to just manage it. But if they are or have worked on it and still struggle with anxiety then it can give a needed break from those feelings. Help them refocus, and allow them to think clearly enough to be able to deal with the stress in a healthy way. And that’s what this is all about. Finding healthy ways to deal with anxiety that make the submissive feel connected and cared for.

Best wishes -SirHanz

Not Perfect by a long shot.

So for anyone who was wondering… “there has got to be something wrong with that guy”

I can tell you that you are definitely correct.

The biggest thing is probably this…

I cant remember numbers.

Dead serious. 3 to 5 min and they are gone.

With enough repetition I can remember a few things.. the year I was born… my birthday.. the last four digits of my ssn. And some others.

It took me 5 years to learn my new phone #. And I still dont know my own address. Oh I know the street names.. but not the numbers.

I keep the most important numbers written on cards in my wallet.

When I was first entering school as a child my parents were really worried by this. They thought I might be “slow” so they did the responsible thing and got my IQ tested. The result surprised them.

I am an idiot savant.

The part of my brain that deals with remembering numbers does not work right.

But problem solving and pattern recognition is vary high. And I remember color perfectly. I’m not talking about remembering that the car that just drove past was blue.. I’m talking about knowing exactly what shade of blue it was.

As I grew other things started to show…

My sister decided to join the school band and picked the flute to play. She brought it home and was trying to practice but the poor girl could barely get a note from the instrument. So I asked if I could try it.. and I played. It was easy.. no thoughts required. I thought of the sound I wanted and just played it. I had discovered something new. As for my sister.. she was crushed, the poor girl. She did eventually learn to play. But she had a leg up on me once she did. Near photographic memory. She looks at the music sheet once and she can play the song anytime. Me? I never learned how to read music. I can only play by ear.

And as I have aged I have discovered a few more little things like that but they are few and I never really developed any of them. Maybe that is another flaw?

But wait! There’s more!

Proactive laziness.

No… I dont go out of my way to be lazy.

I work crazy hard so I will have more time to be lazy. People are always telling me “wow! You got that done fast! You’re such a hard worker!” And I am thinking “yah.. now I can sit down and chill for a while ” I make a mental list of things I need to get done and then work hard to get them all done in the most efficient way I can. Want to annoy me? Add more things to my list after I think I am done. Yah….. that will grind on me good because I am already tired and now your cutting into my relaxing time. Soooo flaw?

Another? You mean there’s more? Yup.

I am too nice.

Wait you say.. that’s not a flaw…

Really? Let’s see… I have been hurt a lot because I tend to overlook my own wellbeing to help others.

People try to take advantage of me because they equate “nice” with “soft” or “easy target ” I am not. But it is annoying to have to sort through people to figure out what they really want from me.

Aaaannnd that creates trust issues.

Combine that with being emotionally destroyed in the past and yah… trust takes time with me.

Well.. now you know the big ones.

The little flaws I am working on whenever I find them. Because I am a curious guy I have learned a LOT of things in my life and as a consequence tend to try to help by explaining things to others. Often they are annoyed because they wanted to figure it out for themselves. I am trying to cut back on that.

I guess that’s enough self reflection for now.

It’s ok to be imperfect, it’s not ok to stop trying to be better.

Best wishes -SirHanz

Fear

Fear is the mind killer…

The little death that brings total obliteration…

I will face my fear and let it pass through me…

Where it has gone there shall be nothing…

Only I will remain..

-Frank Hurbert

This one quote has gotten me through more tough situations than I can remember. Today I was thinking about fear..

Fear can be a tool, a weapon, or a poison.

It can warn us of danger, protect us, or cripple us.

For years my only mode of transportation was my motorcycle, inside my helmet I had written “pay attention or die” if ever there was a day when I didnt have a healthy fear of rideing then it was time to hang up my leathers for good. A healthy fear is based on the knowledge of danger. It keeps you alert and focused, so when the semi truck does not see you beside him on the overpass and decides to move over a lane you have that extra half second to gun the engine and get the hell out of the way. This is a rational fear, and is constructive.

Now we turn to the fear of the unknown. This one is baked into our very DNA. It is an evolutionary trait that has helped the human race survive. However, now that we are not hiding in a cave from the thing in the dark we must take a good hard look at our own fears and decide if we are ok with not learning or experiencing something because we dont understand it yet. Sometimes we can research, find more information and alleviate the fear. But other things must be experienced to be understood.

Lastly let’s talk about irrational fear. This is a big one. How do you explain irrational fear? It is by definition irrational! The answer is that irrational fear just doesn’t exist. There is ALWAYS a reason. Even if we dont know or understand why… the reason is there. Afraid of heights? Maybe you were tossed in the air as a child and it scared you enough that you now have a subconscious fear of falling. My point is that all fear comes from something. If this was not true then we would be born afraid of certain things… and we just aren’t.

So now that we understand fear a little better.. what do we do to control our fear? For that you need to just keep trying. It’s work. You keep trying different things until you find something that works. For me it was logic. But everyone is different, so what works for me probably isn’t the best choice for most others. Find what works for you.. and keep doing it. Do it so often that it becomes second nature and you dont even think about it anymore.

And then you wake up one day.. and the fear has passed through you.. and only you remain.

Best wishes -SirHanz

Simple Man

As I sit on the porch with a warm cup in my hand.

The cool morning air, a gentle touch on my cheek.

I feel peaceful, I feel like a simple man.

From beneath the far flung trees the sun begins to peek.

It doesn’t take much to being me joy.

A caress or the sound of contented sigh.

A clever idea that I may employ.

Or pressed against me the warmth of a womans thigh.

In the mist of mind neither thought nor plan.

The world wakes, and I with it.

I feel like a simple man.

Well folks, it’s friday.. the mad scrabble of the week is almost over for most of you. So relax and wind down.. take a little extra time today to enjoy the simple things that you usually take for granted or overlook in your hectic dash to get things done.

The shadows under the tree are beautiful. Have a seat in the grass and close your eyes.. listen to the quietest sound you can hear.. smell the breeze.. feel the grass beneath you… and smile. If you look for it.. there is joy in the world.

Wishing you all the best -SirHanz

Mental health in bdsm

This is something I have had some experience with so I thought I would share a few of my observations and maybe even a little advice.

As a dominant I have seen and talked with a whole gambit of different submissives. Some are perfectly healthy normal people that happen to enjoy bdsm. But I would guess anywhere from 20 to 35% have some mental illness or trauma that they are dealing with.

Bdsm as a form of self harm.

You often hear about people with depression or anxiety disorders using self harm as a coping mechanism. This is obviously not healthy. If someone you know is depressed and is cutting themselves is that ok? Of course not. So why is it ok for them to get whipped and brused instead?

Knowing the true motivations of a submissive can make all the difference in the world. Do they want to get whipped because they enjoy it? Or is it a way to cover up haveing to feel depressed or dealing with trauma? These are the questions we need to understand as dominants. If you care about a submissive who is dealing with these issues our first reaction as dominants is to “fix” them. This almost never ends well. The best we can do to be in control of the situation is to help them find a good therapist and then support them or even reward them for doing well and makeing healthy choices. A sub that is feeling anxious or a little down and needs a spanking to help them focus is one thing… depression and anxiety disorders are another. Learn to recognize the difference. I myself will not allow myself to be used as a substitute for self harm. They often will just seek it from someone else who doesn’t care but they are adults and that is their choice to make. If they want help then I am here. And if they are more healthy mentally and still want to play i would enjoy that.

There are many within the lifestyle that have experienced clinical depression or traumatic events that have lead to mental health issues. I myself am one of them. The first thing to know is you can’t fix them. You can only fix yourself. The second thing is that you can absolutely make things worse. So if someone wants help.. great. Help them find it. If not… be wise enough to not make things worse.

Remember, take things slow.. get to know them before you play.. it supposed to be fun! Dont ruin it by jumping in before you know if there are sharks in the pool.

Best wishes -SirHanz