Pain and pleasure

The mixture of pain and pleasure all steeped like dark tea in the cocktail of endorphins can be a wonderful and heady brew. In reading another blog today I got to thinking about our body’s ability to adapt and our brains ability to normalize pain.
 First let’s look at the body. Skin is one of the most sensitive organs of the body. In the context of pain it is the early warning system that teaches our brain to avoid damage. When just starting out in bdsm you may look at more experienced people and think “oh gawd.. there is no way I would enjoy that! That must hurt like crazy!” But the way their brain processes pain is different.  When the skin feels pain the brain is sent a damage signal and somewhere deep in our subconscious we think “death imanant! Run away!”. But when repeated many times over and no lasting harm or death occurs… something changes in our brain. We start to ignore it. Oh.. you still feel it. But the brain has shut down many of the nerve endings and the sharp intensity you once felt is no longer there. And so in order to recapture that feeling we may choose to use the cane instead of the crop. Or the paddle instead of the hand. The change in sensation to one the brain has not learned is “ok” puts you right back in that “danger! Damage imanant!” Mode that triggers the wonderful rush of endorphins. 


 Now let’s look at the mind, and how pain is processed.  I touched on that a bit with the skin mind connection but there is a lot more going on up there than the subconscious responses.  When pain and pleasure are mixed it forms a mental connection between the two over time.  Pain in certain areas becomes a trigger to evoke memories of pleasure.  Getting a slap on the ass goes from “ouch!” To “mmmmmmmm”. 
 The memory of pleasure overrides the momentary sting.  Once that link has been made the mind seeks out that intense feeling once more. And when it becomes a desire.. we crave it. The human brain is a marvel, its ability to adapt to just about anything has made us the dominant species on the planet.  And in bdsm we exploit that adaptability. Each time we experience that rush of openness and complete vulnerability often referred to as subspace our brain begins to see it as more and more normal. And thus it is easyer to slip back into. Our use of pain and pleasure combined while enjoyable is merely the key that unlocks that part of our mind. I dont speak from personal experience as I have not been in subspace before. Though I look forward to it. I spent quite a bit of time observing and learning about it through a combination of anatomy, psychology,  and talking to the submissives I have worked with in the past.
 I hope you have enjoyed my little diversion into the topic.
  Best wishes  -SirHanz

Gestures

Sometimes it’s the little things that we treasure. If you are going on a date and the man brings you Roses.. that’s nice right? You put them in a vase on the table.  Now imagine the same man shows up empty handed but while walking stops to pick a daisy and tucks it In your hair. What ment more to you? The roses? Or the daisy? What makes you smile and your heart flutter?
 It is much the same in a D/s dynamic. It is the little things you do that make your partner feel safe, able to freely express themselves sexually or otherwise. It’s what we do to show we are thinking about our partners that makes us feel the most cared about. For example, a dom may show he or she is thinking about their sub by the planning and work they put into creating the right headspace for play. The sub meanwhile may show their care and devotion by makeing themselves appealing to the taste of their dom, or in the ways they allow their dom to exercise control over them. This will of course vary depending upon your personal preferences and the extent of your dynamic. But the thought is the same. Small gestures matter. Often more than we know. So make the effort, it costs you nothing.. and may mean everything to someone you care about.
 I know the value of these things, and try to do little things to make shure the person I care about knows how much I value their attention and seek to allow them the opportunity to be happy and fulfilled. It is through my writing and my actions that I endeavor to make them feel wanted and appreciated.  However.. there is a downside to this approach.  The recipient of your attention needs to understand why you do the things you do and be open to the experience.  If you stop to pick a flower while walking and the person your with gets annoyed  that you are slowing them down…. not the best reaction huh? Or in a bdsm context if you have layed out toys and are waiting in cuffs when they walk in the door…. and they tell you to put that stuff away because they want dinner… can you say mood killer?
 So be open to seeing what’s behind the words or actions.  It’s not just a flower that you will have to pick out of your hair later. It’s a gesture that says “your beautiful,  I want you to feel beautiful,  I am constantly thinking of ways to show you that I love you, and I will spend a little more time to make shure you feel it.”

Best wishes -SirHanz

Touch

Today I wanted to talk about touch. One of the main aspects of bdsm, or most any kind of dynamic.  Touch can convay a huge veriaty of things. A gentle push or firm grip can direct movement or the desire for your partner to move in a particular way. The sensual brush of fingertips can speak volumes of love or affection.  A slap on the ass can excite or remind your partner to behave… or both lol.

Touch can be delicate and so gentle the need for more can be almost painful. Or it can be rough and draw out the most primal of emotions. 


 Knowing where to touch or just how much pressure or duration to convay a feeling or elicit a desired response is a skill like any other. Some people need vary little practice to master a musical instrument.  Some need to spend years practicing.  But the important thing is that you understand which notes your playing so that when it comes time to perform you can just lose yourself in the music. And just like playing an instrument a flute is not a violin. People are different and their responses will be as well. Learn the theory then learn the instrument.  Experiment with your partner and pay close attention to how they feel and their reactions.  Find the best way to speak without ever saying a word.

The old saying actions speek louder than words is definitely true. Understanding and convaying feelings or ideas through touch leaves a much more lasting impression on the mind. And some people (like me) crave that kind of connection.  And others that dont… I believe have not truly experienced it and dont know what they are missing.


 Take a moment next time you go to hug your partner and think about how it makes them feel. And then decide how you want them to feel in that moment and let your heart speak with you hands.

Best wishes  -SirHanz
 

Anxiety and bdsm

Welcome back to the bdsm portion of my blog. For those of you just here for the poetry… read it anyway!  You may learn something!
 
Anxiety… we all know it. And we all handle it in different ways. But if your a submissive.. there are more options than xanax.  The endorphins released during an intensive play session or depending on the submissive… even a just a bit of impact play can do a lot for the alleviation of anxiety.  This is often a case of not what you want… but what you need. And a good dominant will recognize the warning signs of building anxiety and work to head it off before it gets too bad.
 But there will always be times when ether the dominant cant be there or for some reason is unaware of the submissives mental state. Its times like these when the sub is tested in not only their ability to communicate under duress but their ability to submit when their dominant is not present.
 Let’s look at anxiety and its different forms. Low level anxiety is the kind you get when picking out cloaths for a first date. Or the little bit of stage fright when talking to a large crowd.  This kind of low level anxiety is fairly common and easy to manage.  In a bdsm dynamic some simple words of encouragement or a kind gesture can often elevate this type of anxiety.  Mid level anxiety it what you may feel when your in a car wreck or just got arrested. Some people struggle with this kind of anxiety over simple (to the rest of us) decisions.  Like what to have for dinner. Or what to wear. Haveing a dominant that can step in and make those decisions for them can give them a lot of peace of mind.  Not only that they dont have to make the choice, but also the knowledge that if their anxiety starts to climb in the future the dom will be there to help. High level anxiety is a different beast all together.  It can range from panic attacks to full blown inability to function on the most basic levels. This is usually a byproduct of trauma of some kind.  Bdsm should never be used as a treatment for this kind of anxiety.  However.. in combination with therapy,  possibly medication,  and other mental health tools… it can be an effective way to supplement that treatment.  The mental health tools will help a submissive reduce the high anxiety to mid or low anxiety and the endorphins released through play may help further reduce their stress. 
 As with most things in bdsm communication is essential.  If dropping your submissive into subspace can help hold off a panic attack then that’s something the submissive needs to communicate.  If as a dom your not shure how a sub will react if you try to help alleviate anxiety with play, you could do harm instead of good. Many submissives deal with anxiety.  Talk to them and find out what they know helps. And if they are not shure if something will help or not.. go slow. Baby steps. And constantly monitor and check in with them to find out if it is helping or makeing things worse.
 Now let’s look at what you can do for a full blown panic attack.  It will vary person to person but the skills a dom uses in aftercare are often vary effective in helping someone suffering from a panic attack.  If possible talk to them and find out what they need in times like that well before it becomes necessary.  And if they dont know then treat it like aftercare for an intence impact session.  The idea is to refocus the mind away from what is causing the panic and onto something else. Anything you can do to help them focus on what they are seeing, hearing, feeling, tasteing.. will help draw the mind away from the panic. Unless you have experience with this I recommend only doing what the submissive asks or has asked of you. For some any kind of physical touch may only make the panic worse,  some it will help. So be careful and know the sub well enough to be able to tell if something is helpful.
 So to wrap up… anxiety is a bitch. We all get it. Some get it for reasons others dont. Bdsm or impact play can help some people.  But it’s not a cure, it’s a bandage.  It’s more important to get the submissive to work on the cause of the anxiety than to just manage it. But if they are or have worked on it and still struggle with anxiety then it can give a needed break from those feelings. Help them refocus, and allow them to think clearly enough to be able to deal with the stress in a healthy way. And that’s what this is all about. Finding healthy ways to deal with anxiety that make the submissive feel connected and cared for.

Best wishes -SirHanz

Brats

You ether enjoy them.. or they drive you nuts.

Brats love to push the envelope of what they can get away with. Always testing. Often they seek the structure and attention that is a repercussion of their actions. Even if it is negative attention they feel it is better than being ignored. Some even lash out at their dom because they seek to constantly reassure themselves that he/she cares for them enough to correct them.

Some brats will submit when called out for their behavior, others want to be forced to submit. This is a crucial difference the dom needs to be aware of. If the dom is expecting submission when they call out the brat for misbehaving and the brat keeps pushing, the dom may be unshure if they have the consent to force them into submission. If it has not been discussed beforehand they may feel like the submissive is revokeing their submission. So.. all you brats out there.. communication is a necessity. Be shure your dom understands how and why you act the way you do. And if your not shure why then definitely sit down and have a good think.

Brats can be a lot of fun, but they take more attention than the average submissive. Like a dog that will chew up your shoes if they dont get enough exercise. They need the reassurance that they are loved and will act out if they feel they are not getting what they need. So walk your dog if you dont want bite marks in your sofa.

And now for the brats.. be careful how far you push your dom. A little funishment is great. A big punishment because you pushed a little to far… not so much. Teaseing you dom is one thing.. being disrespectful is another. And it can be a fine line to walk.

Best wishes -SirHanz

Support

Woke up feeling groggy with hands slightly swollen from overuse and work. Ah.. the joy of being awake.. wait.. why am I awake? Alarm has not even gone off yet! *groan* *flail* I want tea… but dont want to get up to make it. Sooo… I find myself writing. It helps to get the gears of thought turning.

Let’s see… topic of the day.. how about… support. This is something that is important in any dynamic. A dominant should support and help to build up their submissive. Now.. I am not talking about financial support. Though.. if that’s your thing I dont judge. But no.. I am talking about encouragement and direction. Helping the submissive be an all round better person.


This is mostly done through positive reinforcement. Little rewards and praise for doing healthy things and for finding ways to better themselves. For learning new things or for doing well at tasks the dom sets for them because he/she knows they will benefit the submissive.

But why would a dom go through all that work for their sub? Shouldn’t the sub be serving them? Yes! The sub IS serving them. A better healthier submissive is happier and has more confidence. And all that makes them more skilled and enthusiastic in there submission to their dom.

So find what your submissive is good at.. and make them great. Help them be and feel beautiful. Be their rock through the rough times in life. And help them be a kinder more loveing version of themselves. All these things not only strengthen the bond between you, but also benefit the dom in a myriad of ways.

Best wishes -SirHanz

The beat

Had an interesting conversation with a submissive about setting the mood.

Here is some food for thought.

When you walk into a room after a long day, your tired and want to rest… not in the best headspace.

The lights are low and candlelight fills the room. The room smells like dark amber. Music starts….the beat slowly rises drawing your heart rate with it. Then you feel the touch of leather against your neck.. words whispered against your ear…

It is mental manipulation, forcing memories of past encounters to the surface, drawing feelings of submission from the subconscious and reminding the concious of the good feelings that could be comeing.

Gently drawing the mind down into a submissive headspace and forcing you to let go of all the frustrations of the day. Controlling your emotions and evoking needs.

And all it takes is three well timed words. “Take it off.”

That..

Is dominance.

No fancy things needed.

Best wishes -SirHanz

More thinking

I was thinking over a lunch of watermelon and salad about articulation. And how I feel like I am so much better at arranging my thoughts in the written form rather than speaking. I have never been a great orator. I have always been one to listen a lot more than speak.

And that got me thinking about how that may have effected my growth as a dominant. Let me brake down my logic for you.

1. Knowledge is power.

2. You learn more when you listen.

3. If you want to be able to control someone, you need to know them.

4. Really understanding someone requires two things. The ability to ask good questions and to be more interested in them than yourself.

So next time you see a dom bragging about how skilled he is, or how much experience he has with submissives.. take a step back and think.. if he is really that good, why is he talking? There is a reason they say it’s the quiet ones that you have to watch out for. Because they watch, and learn…. and that gives them understanding. And when they do choose to speak, there is power in their words.

So just for today… give it a try. Talk less.. listen more. You may be surprised at what you may learn.

Converting the world to introverts -SirHanz