It’s nice when the two match up, but they rarely do. We view our surrounds through the filter of memory. Past experience tinting our expectations of reality. If your past experiences tell you the apple is a bannana you will swair till you are blue in the face that it’s not an apple. Even when presented with evidence to the contrary you may still insist that it is not what it is, possibly going so far as to invent a improbable story as to why you are right…. all to avoid admitting that you were wrong.
This kind of mindset is dangerous and destructive. It is bad enough in everyday life but it is worse in a bdsm context.
Quite a few domanents struggle with this. When a dom is in that headspace of being a dominant most find it difficult to admit that they were wrong about something. Admitting that you made a mistake or were wrong about an idea can make you feel foolish. No dom wants to feel like a fool. However.. knowing how destructive it can be to cling to something that is false… yah.. usually they end up looking like an even bigger fool than if they had just admitted they were wrong.
In my mind it is all in how you frame it. I have absolutely no problem admitting that I am wrong if shown evidence that contradicts my ideas. Why? Because I learned something. And that makes me smarter, stronger, and more in control.
Back to expectations.. we often build a mental image of what we hope a thing or person will be. And usually it is embellished and trimmed with all the perfect things we hope for…. wow…. talk about setting yourself up for disappointment. Especially when looking at a potential BDSM relationship, no matter how good the person may be if you are disappointed because they dont match the perfect vision in your head then you have already cut off a lot of the potential connection you could have had. And in BDSM, that connection is EVERYTHING. Enjoy people for who they are. For example: you may think you would only enjoy a dynamic with someone taller than you… and you are alone because the perfect partner is right in front of you and is 5′ 1″. Now if tall is your kink or fetish that’s different. I am only talking about what we “think” we want.
The best thing you can do is just focus on enjoying the journey. Keep an open mind and learn as you go. It’s ok and healthy to fantasize about what someone or something may be like…. just remember that it was just an enjoyable fantasy, then go enjoy learning what it is really like.
Best wishes -SirHanz