Expectations vs. Reality

It’s nice when the two match up, but they rarely do. We view our surrounds through the filter of memory. Past experience tinting our expectations of reality. If your past experiences tell you the apple is a bannana you will swair till you are blue in the face that it’s not an apple. Even when presented with evidence to the contrary you may still insist that it is not what it is, possibly going so far as to invent a improbable story as to why you are right…. all to avoid admitting that you were wrong.

This kind of mindset is dangerous and destructive. It is bad enough in everyday life but it is worse in a bdsm context.

Quite a few domanents struggle with this. When a dom is in that headspace of being a dominant most find it difficult to admit that they were wrong about something. Admitting that you made a mistake or were wrong about an idea can make you feel foolish. No dom wants to feel like a fool. However.. knowing how destructive it can be to cling to something that is false… yah.. usually they end up looking like an even bigger fool than if they had just admitted they were wrong.

In my mind it is all in how you frame it. I have absolutely no problem admitting that I am wrong if shown evidence that contradicts my ideas. Why? Because I learned something. And that makes me smarter, stronger, and more in control.

Back to expectations.. we often build a mental image of what we hope a thing or person will be. And usually it is embellished and trimmed with all the perfect things we hope for…. wow…. talk about setting yourself up for disappointment. Especially when looking at a potential BDSM relationship, no matter how good the person may be if you are disappointed because they dont match the perfect vision in your head then you have already cut off a lot of the potential connection you could have had. And in BDSM, that connection is EVERYTHING. Enjoy people for who they are. For example: you may think you would only enjoy a dynamic with someone taller than you… and you are alone because the perfect partner is right in front of you and is 5′ 1″. Now if tall is your kink or fetish that’s different. I am only talking about what we “think” we want.

The best thing you can do is just focus on enjoying the journey. Keep an open mind and learn as you go. It’s ok and healthy to fantasize about what someone or something may be like…. just remember that it was just an enjoyable fantasy, then go enjoy learning what it is really like.

Best wishes -SirHanz

Knowing and Understanding

Gather round folks, time for another installment of “things I feel like talking about ”

Today’s chapter… the difference between knowing and understanding.

But first a joke.

A sub is sweeping the floor, but she has the broom turned sideways and it’s not working vary well. Another sub comes over and explains how to sweep and even shows her an example. The first sub goes right back to trying to sweep with the edge of the broom. The helpful sub “no no no! Here, I will show you again..” she demonstrates again and hands the broom back. The first sub starts sweeping with the edge of the broom again. A dom walks over, grabs the broom from the sub, hits her three times on the ass with it and yells “do it right!” The sub immediately starts sweeping correctly. The helpful sub “I just showed you how to do that! Why didn’t you listen to me!” The first sub “well you didn’t explain it like he did!”

This is a tough one to put into words. How can you know something and not understand it? Let’s put this in the context of a sub who has been given instruction on a particular task. They may remember the task and the steps they need to complete to finish it… and that’s knowing. But understanding? Let’s look at what that would require. Do they know why they are being told to do the task? How does the task serve their dom? What will they learn from doing this? How will they feel when they are done? How will the dom feel? Ect..

Answer all those deeper questions and you have understanding. See the difference? It is knowing to memorize. But this in itself doesn’t bring understanding. We should always be seeking those deeper layers. Thinking about things that we know from different angles and slowly changing that knowledge to understanding.

And now you know. But ask yourself, do I understand?

How I became a dominant.

I think I should start with a brief description of who I was at the time this takes place, and to do that there are a few things you should know about me.

I am an idiot savant. This term covers a wide range of different people and does not mean we are not intelligent. Far from it in fact. It’s just that as good as we are at something we are equally bad at something else. In my case I have amazing pattern recognition and a generally higher than average IQ. Except for in one category. Numbers. I have almost zero short term memory for numbers and vary little long term memory for them. Seriously, I can hardly remember my own birthdate and It took me 7years or there about to remember my own phone number. The up side? There are patterns everywhere. There is stunning beauty in them and you can learn all kinds of things from them. One useful trick is the patterns peoples faces make when experiencing certain thoughts or emotions. I learned years later these are called micro expressions. I know I know.. none of this has anything to do with bdsm… hold your horses… I will get to it.

At this time in my life I was vary shy, 19 years old and skinny as a rail. I drove a 1984 Ford mustang that I swear ran not on gas but on the misery of its driver. I went out at night and walked around the city a lot searching for inspiration. I have always liked the night, even in the bustle of the city it is calmer at night. It was on one of my walks that i stumbled apon a club playing music i actually enjoyed. Elysium. It was your typical goth club, a fun place to listen to music I enjoyed and drink before I was 21. I became a regular and spent many a night siting in a quiet corner sipping a drink and either writing or sketching. What I didnt know was it it was also a bdsm club. I usually went on Friday and Saturday nights but that week I was busy on Saturday finishing a painting so I went on sunday night.

And it was then that I saw it.. the bondage show… I was enraptured. In that smoke filled room, with dark heavy music playing I watch a spectacle of pure beauty unfold. A woman, in shackles.. topless.. crawling onto the stage. She was lead on a leash by a man dressed in black leather. She licked his boot, and was picked up and almost thrown onto a cross. Her hands and feet were secured and he removed a whip from his belt. But I was not watching the whip.. she turned her head to look out at the crowd. I saw her eyes.. wide with anticipation, fear, and.. hunger. I could feel it all the way at the back of the room. She WANTED this. No, there was lust in her, and need, and something I had never felt before.. submission.

CRACK the whip fell, burning a crimson line across her back. She cried out… not trying to muffle her pain, but to share it. The whip fell.. and fell.. and through her tears she was gasping not in pain.. but in pleasure. Her eyes rolled and she twisted and jerked as the whip left a road map apon her pale flesh. Then he stoped.. dropped the whip with a thump, put his hand in her hair jerking her head to the side so that everyone could see her tear streaked face, wide eyes, and mouth hanging open gasping for breath. She was sobbing and moaning at the same time. And then he slowly bent and slowly traced his tongue across the welts on her back. She came.. shuddering and spasming.. and then collapsed agenst the cross.. her thighs slick with her sweat and lust. And i.. standing in the shadows in the back of the room… was hard as a marble pillar.

I was enthralled. I needed this in my life like little else before. So I studied, and learned. I talked with the doms at the club, soaking up everything they told me. They were old school and I think they enjoyed my honest desire to learn. One in particular took a liking to me, he was older.. maybe late 40’s and enjoyed teaching as much as I enjoyed learning. I spent the better part of a year learning from him. And was part of the bondage show for a while.

Gone was the shy goth kid… I was a dominant. I knew a lot by then but was smart enough to know there was a hell of a lot still to learn. I am still learning and still enjoy adding new ideas or techniques to my knowledge.

I will never forget these two things. The look in the eyes of the sub on the cross or the look in the eyes of the sub that first kneeled before me and called me Sir.

Well… another story told.. there will be more.. but for now I will bid you a good night.

Best wishes -SirHanz

The path of Knowledge

It looks inviting and easy at a glance, this open road of opportunity..

Calm and flat, the path is clear at the start…

Then upward it climbs, steeper and narrower..

It forks and twists, which path is right? Which path not taken held jewels and gold..

Ever forward, through the brambles and thorns, upward beyond sight it stretches before you..

When legs falter you use a crutch, when the crutch brakes you crawl..

And then there is light, and rest…

Exhausted you lay in the meadow at the end of the path..

Each step now carved apon your skin..

The sun is warm, the air cool…

You pick yourself up, and now choose to make a way forward where there was none…

Knowing others will follow, and it is for them that you make the path..

Just as the path was made for you.


Best wishes to everyone and thanks for takeing the time to read. -SirHanz