Philosophers, religious scholars, scientists, poets and writers have debated endlessly about what happens to us when we die.
On this subject I can only speak for myself. I have studied many different religions and philosophies. And have come to a conclusion. For me, I cant understand something that profound on faith alone. Only through experience could I ever hope to understand.
Fortunately for me.. I have first hand experience. No.. I didnt attempt suicide or take a bunch of pills in a fit of depression. Nothing so dramatic as that.
I used to do a lot of mountain biking when I was going to college in Waco. There is a big park near the river with lots of great trails. It was there that I was going far too fast around a corner and slipped off the trail. I fell about 20 feet or so and hit my head… and died.
I was not completely dead. But medically I was. My heart stoped and I was not breathing. Fortunately a passerby saw it happen and performed CPR. But I didnt have a pulse and wasn’t breathing for about 6 minutes. And I cant tell you what I saw.. because come on.. dead.. no eyes. But I can describe how it felt and that there were things I understood.
Imagine yourself as a drop of rain. Below you is an ocean. You are born, and everything you are.. everything that makes you..you comes together out of the clouds and becomes a separate and unique singular thing. A raindrop. You fall from the cloud and through space. This is life. The interval in between when the parts that came together to make you from the cloud coalesce and when you join the ocean. Death is the ocean. You.. the you that fell. that was tiny and unique, blending with the sea. Your now the sea. Your no longer the individual that was only a small drop. You are the whole. The sum and parts of all lives.. but you always were. Then small bits of the sea evaporate and form clouds.. and once again.. rain. It is difficult to explain what I felt.. that analogy is the best I have been able to come up with.
I believe that we do not fear death itself. But we fear the loss of our individuality. And we do. Or not.. depending on how you look at it. Imagine you have always been the sea. If you dip out a droplet.. is it still the sea? Both yes and no.
After about 6 minutes my heart started to beat once again and I started to breathe. Another minute and I woke up. I was taken to the hospital a few minutes later and had a severe concussion but no brain bleeding. I spent a couple days under observation and when they were satisfied I wouldn’t die i was sent home.
I never told anyone. What good would it do to worry those that cared about me? I was ok and just wanted to get back to my life. And honestly at that time I was processing a lot of the trauma from my childhood and was not in a good headspace. Probably not makeing the best decisions ether.
One thing did change though. I have a rather unique perspective on death. I also have no fear of it. I dont seek it out or want to die, quite the opposite… I charish my life. But I feel like I understand. And through that understanding it no longer scares me.
I have a unique perspective on death. And through it also a unique perspective on life. I dont crave material things. Small things bring me joy. I am not concerned with wealth or power in society. I would much rather focus on being happy, wherever that leads me.
I chose to break my silence for two reasons. First… I am trying to be completely open about my life. And my beliefs.
Second… my uncle has cancer. It is no longer responding to drugs and they are going to start radiation. This will kill his bone marrow and if he survives the treatment he will need a transplant. From my mother. At her age this is not without risk. But she is the most wonderful person I know and would do it in a heartbeat. It may be just fine.. but if there are complications… i may lose them both.
It was time i told this story. I am for the first time telling my parents what happened all those years ago. In hope that my experience may bring them some comfort in this time of uncertainty and fear.
I am only relating my own personal experience. I have no wish or belief to say that what others believe about death is in any way false or untrue. I can only speek for myself. Take it for what it is, think for yourself. For all I know it may be different for everyone. Maybe my story will resonate with someone else out there maybe not. But it is mine.. I lived it. I died for it. And now I choose to share it.
Alive and kicking -SirHanz