Happy labor day.

Lazy labor day.. a few chores around the house, laundry, a bit of writing… but mostly still trying to recover from my 11 hour day on Saturday. This morning I realized this is the first labour day I haven’t worked in about 18 years. So decided since it’s a rest holiday who am I to argue?

So yes.. a pleasant day overall. Takeing time to appreciate the things I dont usually have time to do. Like take cookie on a nice long walk and let him bark at the donkey’s next door. Or sit on the porch with a big glass of ice tea and listening to pirate rap and classical cello while makeing vegie kabobs. Or takeing a nap. Mmm… naps are good. But they mess with my sleep schedule and I do have to work in the morning. Maybe settle for curling up with a book. Yah.. that sound just about right.

Best wishes-SirHanz

My day.

The open road,

Listening to the hum of the tires,

Through the open window,

The smell of hot tar and dry grass,

Hour by hour,

The miles crawl past,

Crap… did I miss my turn?

No off ramp for another 12 miles?

And now there is an accident ahead,

Delays… and detours,

Now instead of working in the cool of morning,

I sweat gallons,

Drill slips,

Brused finger,

Well that’s annoying,

Almost as annoying,

As the ladder,

I closed on my pinky finger,

Two brused fingers,

And only…

9 hours left to work,

Finaly done,

Now time to rest.

Blarg 2.0

Writing at 1pm

Feeling super tired today already, it is currently 102 degrees and supposed to hit 104. Me and the sun are not frends today. Chugging water to try and avoid the heat stroke I can feel comeing on in the form of a headache. Moving in this kind of heat and humidity takes a bit more willpower than usual. Working in it… a whole lot more.

Writeing at 3pm.

Sitting in the walk in fridge in the kitchen to bring down core temperature. The thermometer on the shop read 105 in the shade. Knew I had to cool down when my hands started to shake. Core temp was 103.

Hmm… nausea. Headache. Shakeing hands. Yup.. heat stroke. Writing is hard because thinking is hard. But I figured what else am I going to do while I wait..

Its interesting where your mind goes in times of stress or duress. Right now I am thinking of home, my big bed with cool sheets. Not looking forward to going to the store after work but S came down with a chest cold and I promised to get things so she could make herself some soup. Back is bothering me a bit, probably shouldn’t have lifted those 10 80lb bags of concrete but there wasn’t anyone else around that could. So I did.

Thoughts are becoming clearer now and nausea is receding. Blarg… so tired. Oh well.. such is life. Back to work.

Not letting the heat win. -SirHanz

My Hero.

His name was Dana Crumb. My grandfather. And his life was no less than extraordinary. He served in WW2 as a marine engineer. He was awarded a bronze star for armoring a bulldozer with striped tank plate and under fire using it to clear a runway so reinforcements could land in the Pacific.

When he returned from the war he met my grandmother. A tiny sweet lady that was the only one he ever met that could out shoot him. Though he hated to admit it.

He went to work for IBM and helped to develop the first magnetic storage hard drive. Took early retirement as he sent the last of 7 children off to college. After that he sold almost everything they owned and bought a 65ft catamaran (3 hull sailing ship) and on it with my grandmother took 10 years to go all the way around the earth. I actually have two things he left for me when he passed that were on that boat. The barometer so I will always know when a storm is comeing. And the brass plaque from the bridge that says “to my crew, please be reasonable and do it my way – the captain “. That always made me grin.

On his voyage they had a few close calls. They had docked in Iran to take on supplies and had their passports confiscated and were not allowed to leave. After two days of waiting my grandfather had enough of it and decided it was time to go. My grandmother cut the phone line to the guard station in the middle of the night. My grandfather stormed In yelling and when the two guards stood up he clocked them both with a crowbar, picked up their passports and they were gone In half an hour.

He was a bold and intelligent man. He knew that the sea could be dangerous in some parts of the world. He also knew security ships would often board looking for guns. So he contacted a navy buddy and got a naval flare gun. As a distress call device on a ship no one would even look twice at it. What they didnt know is he had powdered the flares. So instead of shooting a flair that burned for several minutes, it shot a 50ft cone of blazeing phosphorus. Ten seconds of burning hell for anything unlucky enough to be anywhere near the muzzle.

So when a speedboat full of men with ak47s tried to pirate his boat…. heh… here’s the thing about speedbosts.. they use a lot of gas. So the pirates keep a stock of gas cans at the back of the boat.

He politely told them to go fuck themselves or he would kill them all. One had the gaul to laugh and take a shot at him. So he set their whole boat on fire. And because of the gas….

He didnt look for survivors. Just raised the sail and off he went, cleaning the char out of the barrel of his flare gun.

And then there was my birth. My grandmother flew back half way around the world from some tiny island in the Pacific to be with my mom. My grandfather stayed with the boat.

April 25th, 1979. A hurricane hit the island at almost the same time as I was born. He knew it would be bad. The Island was only a few feet above sea level and had only one building that may survive. So he knew there was no safe place on the island. He docked the ship on the downwind side of the island and chained it to the biggest rocks he could find. The. He dumped all their scuba tanks overboard in 40 ft of water. He tied rocks to water bottles and dumped them in as well.

Right before the storm hit he dove in. He spent 2 days underwater watching the waves crash overhead. When the storm passed he spent a 3rd day decompressing slowly and then hauled himself ashore.

The island natives had checked the boat for him after the storm and not finding him thought he had drowned. So when he emerged from the waves a day later they thought he was a ghost. It took him hours to convince them he was alive and explain what he had done. Finaly he got them to let him use the radio on the island to contact a friend in the states to call my grandmother and let her know he was ok. She told him he had a grandson. And he had his grandfathers eyes.

When they finished their sea voyage my grandparents sold the boat and his stock from IBM (by then worth a lot) and bought 150 acres of mountainside in Washington state. My grandfather rented a portable mill and used the timber he cleared to build a house. It was so picturesque that the town gift shop still sells pictures of the house perched on the mountain side on mugs to tourists.

I never got to spend as much time with him as I would have liked. I grew up In Texas and they lived in Washington. I did make a few trips to see him and spend a week with them a few summers. He was the best example of a hardworking honourable man a shy grandson could ask for. He died when I was 14…. and i miss him still. I was unable to go to his funeral but my grandmother came to see my family soon after and brought the barometer, and with it a note. “If you are reading this, then I have passed from this world. I no longer need this but it saved my life the day you were born. May it always warn you of the comeing storm”.

It has hung on my wall every day since. My grandmother passed 4 years ago. The whole family made the trip for the funeral. 6 children, 10 grandchildren, and 2 new great grandchildren. We mixed their ashes and scattered them in the sea that they loved.

He was… is… will always be.. my hero.

Best wishes.. -SirHanz

Life update

Sorry I haven’t written a life update in a while. Summer heat at work has sapped the thinking part of brain.

So here is the current state of affairs, things have settled a bit between me and S. We are working on getting her up on her feet one step at a time. I of course have been battling the heat daily at work and that is always draining. I did get some new rope yesterday and was vary happy with it. Adding 3 32ft peices of cotton to the collection. Has been a while since I practiced shibari and need to relearn a bunch of things I have forgotten so it will be good for that.

At work I have been using the backhoe to level a field across the river from the main temple for future building or parking. And working with the guy who owns the woodshop here to help him fix up and downsize his shop. He is getting older and cant do as much as he would like so makeing his shop more functional for him. As thanks he gave me a wood lathe! So now I am learning how to use that as well. 😁 love learning new skills.

My muse is still inspiring me to write and has even pushed me to submit some of my writing to others sites. I have never been good at self promotion as I usually only write for myself of for the one that inspires it. Posting on the blog is the same because I can post whatever I want and no one is telling me I have to submit it a certain way. So yah.. a bit out of my comfort zone but I think it’s good for me to push those boundaries.

As a submissive I have been ordered to fix the ac in my car so I will be digging into the electrical this weekend to try and get it working again. I had been avoiding it because I didnt want to work in the heat and the pulled muscles in my lower back. But an order is an order and thy will shall be done. Even if I am dreading the work after a long hot week. Have to fix the passenger side inside door handle as well. My brother accidentally broke it last weekend. That should be an easy fix as soon as I get the parts though.

And that’s the news for now. Hope you enjoyed reading and I will try to do these more often.

Best wishes -SirHanz


Philosophers, religious scholars, scientists, poets and writers have debated endlessly about what happens to us when we die.

On this subject I can only speak for myself. I have studied many different religions and philosophies. And have come to a conclusion. For me, I cant understand something that profound on faith alone. Only through experience could I ever hope to understand.

Fortunately for me.. I have first hand experience. No.. I didnt attempt suicide or take a bunch of pills in a fit of depression. Nothing so dramatic as that.

I used to do a lot of mountain biking when I was going to college in Waco. There is a big park near the river with lots of great trails. It was there that I was going far too fast around a corner and slipped off the trail. I fell about 20 feet or so and hit my head… and died.

I was not completely dead. But medically I was. My heart stoped and I was not breathing. Fortunately a passerby saw it happen and performed CPR. But I didnt have a pulse and wasn’t breathing for about 6 minutes. And I cant tell you what I saw.. because come on.. dead.. no eyes. But I can describe how it felt and that there were things I understood.

Imagine yourself as a drop of rain. Below you is an ocean. You are born, and everything you are.. everything that makes you..you comes together out of the clouds and becomes a separate and unique singular thing. A raindrop. You fall from the cloud and through space. This is life. The interval in between when the parts that came together to make you from the cloud coalesce and when you join the ocean. Death is the ocean. You.. the you that fell. that was tiny and unique, blending with the sea. Your now the sea. Your no longer the individual that was only a small drop. You are the whole. The sum and parts of all lives.. but you always were. Then small bits of the sea evaporate and form clouds.. and once again.. rain. It is difficult to explain what I felt.. that analogy is the best I have been able to come up with.

I believe that we do not fear death itself. But we fear the loss of our individuality. And we do. Or not.. depending on how you look at it. Imagine you have always been the sea. If you dip out a droplet.. is it still the sea? Both yes and no.

After about 6 minutes my heart started to beat once again and I started to breathe. Another minute and I woke up. I was taken to the hospital a few minutes later and had a severe concussion but no brain bleeding. I spent a couple days under observation and when they were satisfied I wouldn’t die i was sent home.

I never told anyone. What good would it do to worry those that cared about me? I was ok and just wanted to get back to my life. And honestly at that time I was processing a lot of the trauma from my childhood and was not in a good headspace. Probably not makeing the best decisions ether.

One thing did change though. I have a rather unique perspective on death. I also have no fear of it. I dont seek it out or want to die, quite the opposite… I charish my life. But I feel like I understand. And through that understanding it no longer scares me.

I have a unique perspective on death. And through it also a unique perspective on life. I dont crave material things. Small things bring me joy. I am not concerned with wealth or power in society. I would much rather focus on being happy, wherever that leads me.

I chose to break my silence for two reasons. First… I am trying to be completely open about my life. And my beliefs.

Second… my uncle has cancer. It is no longer responding to drugs and they are going to start radiation. This will kill his bone marrow and if he survives the treatment he will need a transplant. From my mother. At her age this is not without risk. But she is the most wonderful person I know and would do it in a heartbeat. It may be just fine.. but if there are complications… i may lose them both.

It was time i told this story. I am for the first time telling my parents what happened all those years ago. In hope that my experience may bring them some comfort in this time of uncertainty and fear.

I am only relating my own personal experience. I have no wish or belief to say that what others believe about death is in any way false or untrue. I can only speek for myself. Take it for what it is, think for yourself. For all I know it may be different for everyone. Maybe my story will resonate with someone else out there maybe not. But it is mine.. I lived it. I died for it. And now I choose to share it.

Alive and kicking -SirHanz

A rather warm day.

Today was a test. A test of endurance and fortitude. 101 degrees with 86% humidity. And out in a field with not a tree to be seen.. was I. Swinging a pick to make a 50ft trench a foot and a half deep so that tomorow when it is again blazing hot I can lay in electrical conduit and pull wire for a new braker panel. A little past 3pm i took a break and just for grins put the thermometer i use to measure my core temp onto the top of my hat. 114 degrees. I pressed it against my neck to measure my core temp. 102. Yah… aproching danger zone. Cold water and shade brought it down fairly quickly. And I had a little helper to distract me one of the peahens likes to follow me around when I am working near the temple.

Then it was back to work.. fuck this heat. I have survived worse. Breathe deep, make shure the overheated brain is getting plenty of oxygen. Douse my hat and shoulders in cold water. And dig.

5pm. Trench done.

Core temp 103.

Fucking hell.. cut it close. A few more degrees and my brain would literally start to cook and die. Strait to the walk in freezer. 4 minutes in there and I was back to the normal 98.9. Yah.. high metabolism, I run a bit hot normally.

Whew.. what a day. Time for tacos. Just for today I’m off the diet. I think I earned tacos.

Best wishes -SirHanz

Sunday in bed

I know you were hopeing for some blood pumping hotness.. but I am a sadist.. so no.😁 just finaly am clear headed enough to write again.

Woke up today feeling not quite sick.. you know that feeling you get when you are about to get sick.. your tired and drained feeling.. food and drink tastes off.. yah.. that’s what I woke up to. So spent most of the day watching youtube and napping (when the dog wasn’t being an asshat and would let me sleep) felt like my head was filled with fog.. unable to focus on anything.

Finaly starting to feel better. Been pushing fluids all day in the hope that will help. Now that I can finally form coherent thought again I thought I may write something on the blog. So here it is.. my lazy day of feeling icky. Bet your glad you stopped to read lol.. yah.. that’s 3 minutes of your life your not getting back. Could be worse though.. at least you didnt have to watch plan 9 from outer space. (Yes.. quite possibly the worst movie ever made)

So now I am sitting on the porch, drinking iced tea and watching the sunset. Not a bad end for a day filled with blarg. Well.. except for the mosquitoes. Itchy flying torture bugs.

Be well -SirHanz

Dear diary..

Woke up this morning feeling stiff and sore. I think I may have overdone it a bit with the exercise this last weekend. Work should be challenging to say the least. It’s going to be 100 degrees today and I have a ton of things to do. I really should have taken some ibuprofen before leaving the house… oh well.. maybe next time.

I was thinking about how weird it’s going to be to date again on the way to work. It’s not that I am not confident in who I am, I think it’s that when you have not used a skillset in 15 years you tend to be a little nervous about doing it again. I keep telling myself that its not like I am rushing to find someone but i am trying to put myself out there more.

Had a simple lunch of rice and curry, one of the benefits of working where I do is free Indian cooking. It’s usually nothing fancy but it’s good and healthy.

I rescued a damsel in distress today. One of the residents at the temple was loading boxes on her golf cart and one slipped, landing on the gas pedal. The cart took of and embedded itself in the woods. Fortunately she nor the cart were badly hurt but it took me about 20 minutes with the chainsaw to free the cart from the trees.

I am fairly shure my brain is cooked. Did 10hrs today out in the sun. And whew.. I definitely needed a shower when i got home. A long cold one. But all clean and smelling good again. Now if only i could shake this heat headache. Maybe food will help. Just took the pizza out of the oven and am letting it cool. (Yes.. I know.. pizza bad for Hanz diet. But was just too tired to go to the store to get something else tonight.) Besides I am fairly shure o lost about 2lbs today just from working out in the heat.. pants were feeling a little loose by the time I got home.

I hope your day was cooler than mine.

Best wishes -SirHanz

Single life.

I remember a time when I was good at being single. Wow that was a long time ago.. now? I have no idea what I should be doing besides maybe fixing up my house a little and reorganizing my closet. Sad huh? Should I get some new clothes? Should I go out more? God I hope not.. I really dont like to go out unless I have a reason to. Go out and meet people they say.. *facepalm* I wasn’t good at that when I was 20 why would I be better at 40? Shure.. I am a lot more secure with who I am and confident now.. but I also know most people dont want to be approached by some random stranger. And makeing someone uncomfortable is not a good way to get a date. Clubs are out.. if for no other reason than I would have to drive downtown and unless i know for a fact i am going to meet someone it doesn’t seem worth the aggravation. Oh.. and downtown smells like a bathroom. Soo.. pass. So that leaves what.. bars? I dont drink if I am driving, so unless I have a driver that’s out. Gym? Who likes getting hit on at the gym? Nope. That reminds me.. should I work out more? Or try to lose weight? (I’m not chunky just a tiny bit of a belly) yah.. typing that made me think I should do both. *sigh* hello salad goodbye pizza.

Oh well.. I am trying not to worry too much about it. In the mean time I am adjusting to being single again. It feels weird.. I have basically been a caretaker for the last 5 years and suddenly being able to stop doing that has left me wondering what to do with myself. I know what I want, (I think.. I am always open to whatever life may send my way) just not how to find it. I am not deluded enough to expect to find someone right away.. but a place to start is what I am trying to find.

On the bright side I am sleeping better, sleeping next to someone who doesn’t want to be touched (not talking sexually.. but like anything at all..) is bordering on overwhelming insanity for someone who craves touch like I do. So while sleeping alone sucks.. it’s better than that.

Oh.. and I have more closet space now. I can finally organize my summer and winter clothes.

Hmm.. do I need to buy a suit?

Best wishes -SirHanz