The gift of time

What is the most valuable thing in the world? Time. No matter how much money or jewels you have you are still closer to death than when you started. We spend our time without really thinking about that. How much time did you just blow listening to that guy at work that annoys you? 15min? Doesn’t seem like much right? Now say you do that (being generous here) 3 times a week. That’s 45min. 3hrs a month. 36 hrs a year. How long did you say you had worked there?…….. entire days of your life gone. That much closer to death and all you got for it was a bit of annoyance. 
 I.. quite literally.. dont have time for that crap. And neither do you. Because here’s the kicker… we always have less time than we think. Think your gonna live to be 80? 85? We all could get a fatal disease or get hit by a bus tomorrow.  On some level we understand that. But we dont spend our time like we do.
 So when someone is makeing an effort to spend their time for nothing more than to make you happy.. it doesn’t matter if it’s a simple thing or an extravagant date. They are choosing to spend that part of their life on you.  I am always grateful when someone does. Especially if it is someone I care about.
 We are all busy adults and our time is often spent doing things we would rather not have to do. So when we have some time to spend on things or people we enjoy we should all make a little more effort to do so. And in the process understand what a gift we are giving or receiving.  It is life itself.  There can be nothing worth more.

When I write,  I spend my time. Ether because I enjoy it or because I feel it is something worth the life I am spending to write it. It is not an off the cuff whim spent in some frivolous fashion.  It is a conscious choice. I feel we all get caught up in the day to day rush and rarely make that choice. We just react to the current need or crisis and end up wasting a lot of time then wondering when we will ever find time to be happy or do things we enjoy.

Thank you for reading.. I hope it was worth your time. -SirHanz

Ethics In BDSM

It amazes me how people think that just because your into bdsm or kink that it somehow means you have abandoned all ethical thought.

Unfortunately that stereotype is perpetuated by people in the community who don’t really understand what it’s all about. So why dont we set the record straight and dig into the myths and realities of bdsm.

Let’s start off with a big one. Consent. Trust in a bdsm relationship is incredibly important and ties in with giving consent. But when does consent need to be given? Is it something that only needs to be given once? Or renewed moment by moment? What about consenting to give up your right to consent (CNC)? People sometimes consent to behavior that is damaging to them to please another. It is a breach of trust to allow this. As a dominant it is important to remember that it is up to you to know what may be damaging to your submissive. And even if they tell you they are ok with the activity it is the ethical dom’s responsibility to not damage them. Consent is not a free pass to do whatever you want. A good dom is always concerned about the physical and mental wellbeing of their partner. Enabling self destructive impulses is not ethical or healthy. A dom works to minimize these impulses and maximize the pleasure gained through healthy choices.

Do no harm. People engage in bdsm play for pleasure and it often involves some form of pain or pushing outside of one’s comfort zone. But there is a difference between “hurt” and “harm”. Hurt is temporary, marks on the skin.. sore muscles… embarrassment… ect. Harm on the other hand is lasting. Permanent or long term physical damage.. PTSD.. lowered self esteem.. despair and depression. What makes do no harm a cornerstone of ethical bdsm is that it doesn’t prescribe what people should or should not find pleasure in. People are all different and have different wants and needs. But harm diminishes the ability of a person to be happy or to enjoy life. The do no harm principle keeps things from going “too far” and allows us to enjoy playing with a clear conscience.

Does this mean that things like degradation, objectification, or dehumanization have no place in ethical bdsm? No.. not really… when it is a temporary reversible effect it can even even empower the submissive. But what is wrong is to diminish someone permanently.

Be honest. Dishonesty undermines both consent and trust. We humans have an huge capacity for self deception as well. Being honest with yourself is incredibly important in bdsm. Be honest about your real wants needs and limits. Withholding necessary information makes for unsatisfied play.

Avoid unintended pain. The whole point of inflicting pain or discomfort in bdsm is for it to be intentional and meaningful. To form a connection between the dominant and the submissive resulting from a deliberate choice instead of the random nature of ordinary life. Causing pain without meaning suggests callousness and indifference. This is never a healthy mentality. Ethical sadism is never about unintentional suffering. But submissives need to be aware as well as their own actions or words can cause unintended emotional pain to their partner.

Respect limits. These are things you ether cant do because of physical or mental limitations or things you won’t do because you prefer not to or believe it would be wrong. With time and effort it is possible to expand the boundaries of these limits. But often it is more healthy to simply respect them and leave them where they are. There are some submissives that want the dom to be in total control of limits, that is not to say that they dont have limits.. only that it is the dom that must determine and respect the limits of the submissive. It is the consensual shifting of the responsibility of defining and maintaining those limits to only one person in the dynamic. There are times when a submissive will speak of haveing “no limits” with their dom. ( consensual non consent) This is often confusing for people. It is advanced consent to ignore all protests and limits. This can be vary dangerous and requires a deep bond of trust between both people. In rare cases people say that have “no limits” because they dont care if they are harmed. An ethical dom will refuse to interact with such self destructive people. They should be referred to trained psychologists for therapy.

Risk responsibility. Like any physically and mentally demanding activity there are always risks. It is important to know what they are and be personally responsible for your own decisions as to which risks you choose to take. Learn, be aware and make informed decisions. Takeing needless risks may excite some people but the cost is often higher than both you and your partner are willing to pay.

Dont push. If someone is not ready for something it is not ethical to push them into it. If it is something both people want but one is not ready for take things slow, make shure at every step that both people are comfortable with where they are before moving forward. Listen to your gut feelings. All of them, not just the part that says “I want this” but also the part that says “there is something wrong here”. If something doesn’t feel right communicate immediately. And if someone is pushing you into something your not comfortable with it is fine to tell them your not interested and walk away.

Job and family. Do not… I repeat… do not… fuck with someones job or family. Unless someone explicitly invites you into this part of their lives it is off limits. An ethical dom should do nothing that may threaten a submissives job or family relations. Anything that would “out” the sub without their consent to frends and family should always be avoided. And anything that threatens their livelihood is completely unethical. If the submissive WANTS to give up their job or be open to their frends and family that is of course different. But it should never be forced. On the other side a sub needs to respect a dom’s personal space. It is not ok to call a phone number you have not been given permission to use or to interact with their family or friends without permission.

No regrets. Any time your doing anything with a bdsm dynamic you should never feel like your going to regret it later. It’s ok to be unsure, that just means you should take things slow. But if you feel like you may regret it… dont do it. This is supposed to be a pleasurable and intimate connection. You should never regret anything you feel good about. It can be a learning experience, a personal affirmation of will, pleasure for both you and your partner, or anything else positive.

Finish what you start. If you are unable to continue for whatever reason and as long as your partner has not done harm, dont just walk away. The bond that forms between people in a bdsm dynamic is unique and should be respected. Providing closure is as important as any other aspect of a bdsm relationship. Just because kink is involved, that is no reason to enter into or leave a dynamic frivolously or without concern for all involved.

Starting or ending a bdsm relationship should never be done on a whim. Committing to a bdsm relationship is a big step. And both people should work to create a meaningful and fulfilling relationship. Typically when a submissive asks for release from a dynamic it is up to the dom to decide if they will grant it. However.. unless you have a damm good reason why you shouldn’t let them go you should always honor their wishes. Refusing to release a sub that wants out is crossing a line. So you better be damm shure you can solve whatever problem let to it before you deny it.

Dont use bdsm for therapy. If someone is struggling with mental health it is not ethical to allow them to use your dynamic as an excuse or crutch to prevent them from getting the help they need. Tricking or trapping a partner into becoming your therapist is not ok. They are not trained for it (unless they are) and cannot proved the care you or your partner needs. This can lead to a whole host of problems. It is one thing to be getting help or have gotten help for mental health challenges and then haveing a bdsm dynamic. It is quite another to mask or cover up those problems.

Respect others kinks. Just because it isn’t your thing doesn’t mean you should dislike the person. Give them the respect they deserve just as you would outside of bdsm or kink. This is not to say you need to show respect to asshats. If someone is a jerk.. just because they have a kink doesn’t mean you have to respect them. People like that often hind behind their kink and scream “kink shaming ” if they get any negative interactions. Dont judge based on their kinks, but if their being an asshat has nothing to do with bdsm feel free to tell them where to stick it.

Dont take your partner for granted.

It is easy to fall into a routine or a comfortable place in a dynamic over time. And that’s fine.. but you should always make shure your partner understands how much you value them and how special their submission or dominance makes you feel.

Be good. This doesn’t mean just some of the time. Strive to be the best that you can be for your partner ALL the time. Whatever your roles, whatever technique you use.. learn as much as you can and do it to the best of your abilities. Even if your haveing fun, you will have MORE fun if you play your heart out than if you are just going through the motions. And so will your partner. If you dont do the prep work you cant get the highest rewards. Good play can be spontaneous but only with a solid foundation of trust and skill. Practice won’t make you perfect but it will make you have a great time.

Best wishes -SirHanz

Love language

There are many different ways to show affection and love. For some people they feel it most through words, for others they feel affection through actions or acts of kindness/service. Some feel loved when their partner makes time for them…or makes them feel special through encouragement…

For me though.. it’s touch. When a partner wants to touch me… I feel loved. It can be something as simple as holding my hand, or a hug. Or something with a deeper feeling of connection like a kiss or a massage. This is one of the reasons that physical affection is one of the things I look for in a submissive. It makes me feel loved and cared for when they want to touch me.

I have always been like that to some extent. But due to probable trauma caused by how past relationships ended it had grown into not only something I want.. but something I need. It is never easy to admit your own insecurities or things that make you feel insecure. Especially in the content of a relationship. So with that in mind.. here are all of mine.

Anything that makes me feel like there is a growing distance between me and someone I love. This can be lack of communication, lack of contact, or being ignored. All of those make me feel insecure and I start to second guess all my words and actions. I can deal with it.. but it makes me feel unloved.

False accusations. To be accused of doing or saying something hurtful without talking to me about it first. Especially something that could be interpreted in several different ways. I NEVER want to harm someone I love. If I did harm unintentionally I want more than anything to fix it. Knowing that and accusing me anyway is hurtful and makes me feel insecure. I will probably feel like I am walking on eggshells around that person for a period of time after that.

I am insecure about my appearance. The want to touch reassures me that the person finds me attractive. Without it I honestly dont have a vary good opinion of how I look. This is something I am working on. But it’s not easy.

I would be interested to know what others love language is, and why. If you feel like shareing feel free to write it In the comments.

Best wishes. -SirHanz

Update, situation stable

S finaly calmed down enough last night that we could talk as two adults. She agreed to stay in the extra room I have untill she can get up on her feet and move out. I am much relieved. It may not be ideal for ether of us but at least she is safe and fed.

On a brighter note… I found the antifreeze leak in the car finaly. Yay! Now just need to figure out the damm part number and find time to fix it lol. But at least things are moving in a positive direction.

Thanks again to all those that take the time to read my ramblings. It makes me feel like there are people out there that care about my life and writeing. You guys and ladies rule.

Best wishes -SirHanz

In silence

One of the great pleasures in life is just simply sitting quietly with someone you love.

Reading a book, sipping tea or coffee, no need to shatter the moment with words. The kind of comfortable silence in which everything that needs to be said can be expressed with a smile.

What makes such moments so beautiful is the knowledge that both people understand that it is a moment. It’s time to enjoy the closeness and company of someone you love.

It is a gift. Charish it and keep it in a loveing place in your memory.

Communication is important..

But sometimes it is more meaningful not to need to say anything at all.

Best wishes-SirHanz

Thank you sir.

I was picking up groceries last night and talking with the cute checkout girl. As I turned to leave she said “Thank you sir”. I’m shure it didnt mean anything to her but it got me thinking about gratitude.

Gratitude is incredibly important in any relationship. And a D/s dynamic is no different. The submissive must feel heard and appreciated. And the dominant must feel that the sub is happy with their dynamic and thankful for all their care and effort.

I feel this is often overlooked in any relationship. We do a lot for our partners and a thank you definitely helps to let us know that it was effort well spent. But dont stop there.. it is just as important to SHOW your partner that you are thankful. Saying “thank you” or “that ment a lot to me” is definitely something you should do, but if you hear it all the time without any action attached to it… it tends to mean less and less over time.

So thank you dear readers. It means a lot to me that you take the time to read my blog. And to show you how much I appreciate it.. here is a naughty picture. Enjoy.

Best wishes -SirHanz

Send Nudes

Welcome to the wonderful world of online bdsm dating. For your viewing pleasure we have a wide selection of dateing sites and a huge selection of wonderful potential partners…..

Yah… right…

Finding a partner that matches what you are looking for can be difficult. More so with most dating sites geared for more vanilla relationships. The few bdsm dateing sites that are out there are ether antiquated or overrun with bots and pop culture doms and subs. Sorting through that mess can be vary discouraging. Especially for submissives. And that in turn makes it more difficult for decent doms. The get lost in the flood of mail featuring such hits as “submit to me now!” Or “want to be my fuckslut?” Or “send nudes”. Most submissives will just hit the delete all button. And the decent dom’s mail goes unread and they think the sub must not be interested.

I would love to say “but I have the thing that will fix all that!” But I dont. I have yet to find a single site that I would recommend. So what to do? Go to munches? That’s great if you have a good community, but what if there is not one in your area or the ones that are there are lame and full of drama? Doesn’t leave you with many options. So you end up online. It’s not like you can just post a flyer on a telephone pole. (Though that would be funny. “Experienced dom seeks sub. Take number if interested” and then there are all those paper tabs with phone numbers at the bottom) come to think of it… that would be a great prank to pull on my brother.

But I digress… back to the topic at hand.

I would love to know how others met their dom or sub, was it in real life or online? Did you appoch them? Or they you? What was it about them that made you think “yup, this is the one for me.”

(And just so you know why I haven’t mentioned it)

I have purposely avoided talking about fetlife in this jumble of thoughts because while it is not a bad social platform it isn’t that great for finding a potential partner.

Best of luck out there and remember, send nudes is not a good way to start a conversation or build trust.

Wishing you a good afternoon -SirHanz

To Approach or to be Approached

A thought struck me as I was in the shower this morning. Part of the problem when looking for a submissive or dominant is the approach.

When looking for a dominant or a submissive it varies wildly person to person if they prefer to approach a potential partner or if they would rather be approached. There are good arguments for both on the sub and dom sides.

From the sub side, waiting for a dom to approach you makes you feel submissive as the dom is in control of if and when they choose to speak to you. On the other side though… you are forcing a dom to come to you if they want to talk. Is that submissive? Shouldn’t you be the one to approach the dom and offer conversation? This gives the dom the power to accept or decide without being forced to come to you.

See? Good arguments for both.

From the dom side, approaching a potential partner let’s you feel in control and shows them you are confident. On the other side… waiting to be approached shows you are comfortable with who you are and a potential partner needs to show that they are interested in submitting to you before you consider that.

Different styles for different doms.

I myself find that I prefer a sub to be the one to approach me. It shows interest and a willingness to serve before the first word is said. Some think of this as acting aloof, but to me if a submissive is not willing to pluck up their courage and talk to me then they probably are a passive not an active submissive and that’s not what I am looking for.

What about you? Where do you fall on this spectrum? I am curious to know what side your on and your reasons behind it.

Best wishes -SirHanz

The first Blush

After last night’s post I felt I needed a lighter topic. So here it is… one of my favorite things as a dominant is to make a lady blush. A blush is a physical response to emotions, usually embarrassment. This can be from a gentle compliment, humiliation, or an unexpected naughty thought. But whatever the reason, I find it to be immensely sexy.

But why do I find this so attractive? Let’s think about that question. How is the lady feeling when she blushes? Is it a direct physical response to something I did? Shure sounds like I just asserted a form of dominance doesn’t it? I did or said something and her body reacted without conscious thought. That is control, and that one often innocent little act has a lot of the things a dominant craves all wrapped up in one tiny moment.

So yes.. next time you see a lady blush… go on… enjoy the hell out of it.

Best wishes -SirHanz

The House of Hanz

Part of the reason I am writing this blog is cathartic exercise. It’s not healthy to feel like you have to hide a part of yourself. So one blog at a time I am putting it all out there.

Today I am talking about my last sub and my home. This is not an easy topic for me to talk about let alone write down for all the world to see. But I think I should. Primary because I really don’t want to.

I will start with this… when I give my heart to someone… I am fiercely loyal…

I met my sub, I will call her S about 11 years ago. We had a lot in common and even though she didnt know anything at all about bdsm at the time was a submissive in the truest sense of the word. She had a 9yo daughter and at first I was hesitant because of my past experiences but vary quickly came to care for her deeply. S had a pretty rough life up until the point she met me, her story is not mine to tell but suffice to say that she had been abused. Both as a child and later with a physically and mentally abusive husband. There were a lot of mental scars left over from that experience and I was careful to try to learn her triggers and avoid them.

It was several months after we met that she moved in with me with her daughter and the dog that had been her constant companion through years of abuse. Things were going well at first and S was learning to be an amazing submissive despite her heath problems (she has a bad case of fibromyalgia). Then her daughter started having problems in school. We were not in the best part of town to put it mildly and the teachers at the school just wanted to meditate the heck out of the poor girl instead of hoping with her behavior problems. So lacking alternatives we pulled her out of school and S started homeschooling her. We had her in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist, she was finally diagnosed with O.D.D. oppositional defiance disorder. Her behavior got steadily worse as she got older. She used the manipulation of others like a weapon to torment S trying to force S into giving her whatever she wanted at the time. I didnt work but the stress of being in constant damage control mode and haveing a daughter that not only showed S no affection but made her feel like a failure all the time was extremely taxing on S personality and to our relationship. Somehow we made the best of it and made it work.

Years passed and eventually we got a 3 bedroom 2 bath mobile home In a much better part of town. We got the daughter back into public school and even though she was held back twice she was in a better school with better teachers that mostly understood why she acted the way she does. Her behavior did not improve. She became more manipulative and abusive toward S the older she got. It was all I could do to prop up S however I could and try to minimize the damage.

Things steadily got worse between me and S as she mentally retreated from haveing any kind of emotional connection with anyone except for her dog. This was vary hard on me but I understood and did what I could to support her and show that she was cared for. It seemed to help for a while and it felt like things were getting better.

Then three and a half years ago her daughter turned 18, and days after in a fit or rage dropped out of school, said some vary hurtful things to S and left home… S was devastated. And again.. I was left to pick up the pieces of my my beloved sub and try to help her however I could….. 4 weeks later her dog that had been with her through everything as a source of comfort passed away from pancreatitis…. and I think it broke her. She retreated from the world, and from me. I have done everything I can to be supportive, but no matter how much I do or give she is not who she once was. We are friendly with each other but I have not received so much as a hug from her in 3 years. This year she moved into the extra room in the house. (My best friend and adopted brother lives in the other room). S is unable to work due to health problems so I still support her because I care about her enough to not want to see her in a bad situation. But we are no longer together in any sense of the word. I am feeling rather sad as I write this.. after everything we went through it just feels so wrong. But it is reality and I will not look away because it makes me feel better.

Two years ago I rescued a dog to try and help S form some kind of connection again. It didnt work but I at least found a friend. He became vary attached to me and is as I write this sleeping on my feet in my big empty bed. Even if he didnt help S that much he definitely helped me.

I will end this story here and leave you with an introduction to cookie monster. (Cookie when he is good, just monster when he is being an asshat)

Best wishes -SirHanz