Love language

There are many different ways to show affection and love. For some people they feel it most through words, for others they feel affection through actions or acts of kindness/service. Some feel loved when their partner makes time for them…or makes them feel special through encouragement…

For me though.. it’s touch. When a partner wants to touch me… I feel loved. It can be something as simple as holding my hand, or a hug. Or something with a deeper feeling of connection like a kiss or a massage. This is one of the reasons that physical affection is one of the things I look for in a submissive. It makes me feel loved and cared for when they want to touch me.

I have always been like that to some extent. But due to probable trauma caused by how past relationships ended it had grown into not only something I want.. but something I need. It is never easy to admit your own insecurities or things that make you feel insecure. Especially in the content of a relationship. So with that in mind.. here are all of mine.

Anything that makes me feel like there is a growing distance between me and someone I love. This can be lack of communication, lack of contact, or being ignored. All of those make me feel insecure and I start to second guess all my words and actions. I can deal with it.. but it makes me feel unloved.

False accusations. To be accused of doing or saying something hurtful without talking to me about it first. Especially something that could be interpreted in several different ways. I NEVER want to harm someone I love. If I did harm unintentionally I want more than anything to fix it. Knowing that and accusing me anyway is hurtful and makes me feel insecure. I will probably feel like I am walking on eggshells around that person for a period of time after that.

I am insecure about my appearance. The want to touch reassures me that the person finds me attractive. Without it I honestly dont have a vary good opinion of how I look. This is something I am working on. But it’s not easy.

I would be interested to know what others love language is, and why. If you feel like shareing feel free to write it In the comments.

Best wishes. -SirHanz

Nice guy problems

So now that I am back on the market per say I am reminded of challenges I have faced in the past when trying to find a submissive partner. The foremost of these is that I am a nice guy.

Now usually that is an attractive quality in a man. But i have found that often in the bdsm community it is actually a hindrance. Especially if the submissive is new.

Correct me if i am wrong.. but i have noticed a lot of submissives build an image of their ideal dom in there head. If you are a single submissive reading this then take a moment and think about what this ideal dom looks and acts like..

I will bet you a spanking not one of you thought you wanted a nice guy. For some reason “nice” doesn’t mix with fantasy. And fantasy is how we choose reality. When is the last time someone held the door for you and you thought “damm I bet he is a good dom” …. nope. Not gonna happen. But when a guy is acting like he is entitled to the submission of everyone in the room then that’s hot? Why is that? The guy is obviously an asshat. But first impressions matter. And his first impression is “dom”. And the nice guy’s impression is “oh.. that was nice of him.. now let’s go back to looking at the dom”

Now I am not saying that all submissives want to be with an asshat. Some do, and to each their own. But most if you ask them what they want in a dom they will describe the nice guy.

So where’s the disconnect? Why want the nice caring dom and yet totally ignore him for the angry asshat? I have actually heard a submissive say “dont talk to him, he looks like he would be too nice.” *facepalm* seriously?? Now with online dating fortunately it forces you to write a profile and you can usually sort the good from the bad. But in person.. we dont come with a profile.

So next time your getting hit on by 3 doms at once and just loveing the attention, take a step back and notice the guy who was polite enough not to hit on you when you were already being bombarded by “submit to me now” instadoms. Because let me tell you.. more than likely, they dont want to make you happy.

Food for thought.

Best wishes. -SirHanz

Send Nudes

Welcome to the wonderful world of online bdsm dating. For your viewing pleasure we have a wide selection of dateing sites and a huge selection of wonderful potential partners…..

Yah… right…

Finding a partner that matches what you are looking for can be difficult. More so with most dating sites geared for more vanilla relationships. The few bdsm dateing sites that are out there are ether antiquated or overrun with bots and pop culture doms and subs. Sorting through that mess can be vary discouraging. Especially for submissives. And that in turn makes it more difficult for decent doms. The get lost in the flood of mail featuring such hits as “submit to me now!” Or “want to be my fuckslut?” Or “send nudes”. Most submissives will just hit the delete all button. And the decent dom’s mail goes unread and they think the sub must not be interested.

I would love to say “but I have the thing that will fix all that!” But I dont. I have yet to find a single site that I would recommend. So what to do? Go to munches? That’s great if you have a good community, but what if there is not one in your area or the ones that are there are lame and full of drama? Doesn’t leave you with many options. So you end up online. It’s not like you can just post a flyer on a telephone pole. (Though that would be funny. “Experienced dom seeks sub. Take number if interested” and then there are all those paper tabs with phone numbers at the bottom) come to think of it… that would be a great prank to pull on my brother.

But I digress… back to the topic at hand.

I would love to know how others met their dom or sub, was it in real life or online? Did you appoch them? Or they you? What was it about them that made you think “yup, this is the one for me.”

(And just so you know why I haven’t mentioned it)

I have purposely avoided talking about fetlife in this jumble of thoughts because while it is not a bad social platform it isn’t that great for finding a potential partner.

Best of luck out there and remember, send nudes is not a good way to start a conversation or build trust.

Wishing you a good afternoon -SirHanz