We laughed as the warm rain fell,
Slick skin.. face touched with crystal drops,
I quench my thirst with the river between your breasts,
Bodies entwined.. silk on silk
Gripping,
Slipping,
Flesh pressed deep,
Pressed down,
Held up,
Cries drowned,
By the pounding,
Rain.
-SirHanz
Breathe into my heart,
Fill my lungs with your touch,
Show me you intoxicating smell,
Feed me your attention,
Let me feel you words,
Let me listen to your lust,
Drown me in the taste of your memories,
Shackle me with your gaze,
Hold me in your tender thoughts,
Your vary presence,
Mixes my senses,
I am spiraling into you,
Trying to resist…
Is like thinking about not thinking.
-SirHanz
There once was a boy. Not an ordinary boy.. this boy was special. Well of course he is special I hear you thinking, you dont write about ordinary boys.
Let us look closer.. why was he special? What made him different than all the other boys? Follow me I say.. let us examine him.. and we will both find out together.
The first thing we notice is how he is dressed. Black jacket folded and laying beside him on the bench at the back of the club. His shirt is a deep red, you may think it black untill the lights from the dancefloor catch along his chest showing it’s true color. Simple black pants with boots laced up to just below the knee.
He sits with his hands folded in his lap, back straight and head tipped slightly to listen to the music. A slight smile just touches his lips. The buzz of people swirling through the club seem to flow like water around him. He looks like he is waiting.
A few times he is approached by this or that girl or lady offering to dance or get him a drink. He just smiles and shakes his head thanking them kindly for their interest but politely declining. He looks at the door in anticipation, for you see.. he was early. He was to meet her at nine, he checks his watch seeing the seconds tick down. 3. 2. 1. Nine o clock. He quickly slips the timepiece back in his pocket and places his hands back in his lap trying to hide the tremor of nervousness.
He looks at the floor, his gaze fixed on the grain of the wood. He dares not look.. what if she isn’t there? He cant help but fidget as he waits… is she here? Is she looking for him? What if she doesn’t see him and leaves? What if she saw him and thought he was ugly? What if she is already… there are feet in front of him, he didn’t notice he was so caught up in thought. Black heels.. he slowly raises his gaze. Black lace following the lines of her legs.. the hem of her dress.. black with silver switching. Higher.. the gentle curve of hips.. waist clad in leather..
Suddenly she kneels and is looking into his eyes. Her! It was her! She came! And.. and.. oh lord she is hot.. where do I look? Am I being rude? Does she want me to look? A flustered blush rises in his cheeks but he cant look away. His heart feels like it’s trying to strangle his lungs.. pounding.. breathless. He can stand it no longer, her gaze is predatory.. full of heat and promise. Too much! He looks away blushing fiercely.
Now for shure she will hate him he thinks. He is a coward, she would never want a coward. A single tear of helpless frustration slowly rolls down his cheek. She slips onto the bench next to him, pressing her body close. Her face is again before him.. so close he can feel her breath on his lips. Her eyes are alight! Glittering in the flashing neon. Her hand catches his neck tipping his head back and to the side. His eyes close, his body relaxing into her grip. Warmth.. his chin.. his cheek.. what is.. oh.. oh! The reality hit him like a two by four across the forehead. She was licking the path of his tear..
He groaned, his blood sang in his vains. His hands clenched the wooden edge of the bench. She leaned closer.. her breasts pushing up against his chest and whispered in his ear “tonight.. you are mine. I know your secret. And I will have… everything.” His breath was short, panicked.. his eyes darted around to room looking for escape. She knows! How can she know! He needed to move! To run! His brain was screaming.. run you fool!
But her touch.. her soft warmth.. held him more surely than chains of iron. Again she spoke, her hot breath on his ear sending a shiver through him “you will follow in five minutes.. I will be waiting. ” then her warmth was gone and he was left to gape as he watched the sway of her hips as she made her way across the room and out the door.
Five minutes.. he could run.. but what if she was telling the truth? What if she knew?
Four minutes.. wait.. she knew.. and she wanted him anyway?
Three minutes.. what to do.. run.. or…
Two minutes.. crap! Not enough time!
He grabbed his jacket and threw it on.
Weaving through the crowd he was careful not to touch anyone slipping on black gloves as he walked with hesitant steps toward the door.
Pushing through the heavy oak of the door he was momentarily blinded by the brightness of the streetlight. He held up his hand to block to brightness, through the gap between his gloved fingers he could see a car siting at the curb. The door to the passenger side facing him opened. Her voice carried though he couldn’t see her in the dark interior “get in.”
It wasn’t to late.. he could still run.. he could still…. the feeling of her hand on his neck still lingered. He got in the car, and carefully closed the door shutting out the tumult of the streets. Her voice was soft but it carried in the quiet of the car “I’m glad you didnt run. I would have found you. But I’m glad I didnt have to. I know your scared.. but you are doing well.” As she spoke she reached over and took his hands, slowly pulling the gloves from his skin. “Yes.. I know what these are for.” She drew his hand closer and placed it on her thigh. He bit his lip to suppress the rush he felt. He could taste copper. She left his hand apon her as she put the car in drive and pulled out into trafic. The drive was a blur of flashing lights and darkness, and through it all his eyes never left the shadow of her face. He couldn’t remember.. how long had it been.. his hand was still resting lightly on the bare skin of her leg, his chest felt like it was about to burst. Everything was so clear.. so alive.
They had stoped. How long had they been stopped? She gently lifted his hand from her skin. Reality snapped back into focus, he was left feeling diminished. He spoke for the first time “w.. where are we?”
“We are at the beginning.” She said as she slipped out of the car. He still wasn’t shure quite what was happening but he knew it felt different.. good. The night air was cool and smelled vaguely of jasmine as he stepped out of the car. The gravel crunched under his boots as he followed the lady under the low hanging branches of trees, silent in the darkness but for the rustle of leaves in the breeze. Now they were on a trail, winding upward as the forest grew dense around them.
Turning a corner her found her standing before a small house nestled in the trees. He could see a dim light through the window and there was a faint smell of wood smoke in the air. “Do you live here?” He asked, feeling a bit more himself among the trees. She chuckled as she unlocked the door “no.. it is mine but I dont live here. I just thought you would be more comfortable here.” He nodded as he followed her, accepting it for what it was.. it was true after all. But how had she known? As he entered she shut the door behind him. He heard the click of a lock. “You do realize that I ment what I said.. tonight you are mine. I think you know already it is too late to run.” Her soft voice carried across the room as she bent to stoke the fire in the hearth. “Yes.. I made my choice when I got in the car.” He said, his eyes following the light of the fire as it came to life and danced yellow and orange across her bare shoulders.
“When I got your letter telling me to meet you at the club and that you knew about me.. I came because I was curious. Please.. how much do you know? And how could you possibly know as much as you do?” He removed his coat and hung it on the hook beside the door as he talked. Her vary presence was enough to muddle his words if he didnt look away.
She sat on the small sofa facing the fire and patted the space next to her “sit. It will be easier to show you how I know” He nodded, still trying not to look directly at her for fear he would be lost in her beauty and unable to think. He sat next to her, again feeling her closeness. “Look at me.” she said, and he couldn’t deny that voice. He looked.. the light was perfect, framing her features and highlighting the curve of her neck and shoulders. She was magnificent. Entranced he could only watch as she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his.
He was lost.. and found all at once. In that moment when time has lost all meaning, wraped in the pleasure of her kiss.. he knew. It flowed between them building apon itself getting stronger, more intense. She was like him. What had always only passed from them to him now boiled like a furnace in his chest. To much! With a gasp of breath he broke the kiss, falling backwards onto the floor. The clarity of her passion still burned within him. Oh.. but for just one more taste, he would risk his vary soul.
She slipped the heels from her feet and stood over him as he tried to catch his breath. She ran her hands across her shoulders and down her arms. Pulling the fabric of her dress downward, exposing the swell of her chest. She smiled.. it wasn’t a soft smile, it was the smile of the wolf about to dine apon the rabbit. She knelt and sat astride him, the black lace of her dress settling across him. Her hands found the collar of his shirt and with a jerk buttons popped and flew. The warmth of the fire danced apon his skin, spreading its light and reflecting the fire in her eyes.
His need grew.. feeding and multiplying with each passing moment. She could feel it as well.. he was shure of that now. Her delicate fingers rested apon his chest over his heart. Her touch was tender.. but her heart was not.. almost violent desire poured from her in a torrent. He couldn’t help it, his back arched.. pressing his skin against hers.
She giggled, actually giggled! There was joy in that sound. Her hand left him as she slid backwards down his legs to sit apon his ankles. She worked quickly, undoing his belt and dragging the zipper downward…. with a steady pull she left him completely exposed. The amber light of the fire hid his blush, but nothing could hide the desire that stood before her. His hands came up to hide his face, he was shure he would die of embarrassment. The sound of her voice drifted to him mixing with the crackle of the fire. “Oh.. you are just too sweet..” she leaned to the side pulling his pants down to his ankles and synching his belt tight around them. He had to see what she was doing. He slowly peeked around his hands, she was again sitting astride his legs. Her breasts hung seductively before him. Her breathing was still restricted by the corset hugging her shapely waist causing her chest to lift with each shallow breath.
He felt the anticipation thrilling them both. She crawled up his body, stalking him.. cornering her pray. His hard flesh was hidden beneath the fall of her dress as she came to face him. She grabbed his wrists and forced them down, pinning his hands to the floor. They were now face to face.. inches apart. Her eyes were a hungry golden in the fire light, devouring the storm tossed blue gray that looked back at her.
He felt heat.. wetness.. just barely touching him.. underneath her dress. He bit his lip to suppress a moan as he realized she wasn’t wearing anything beneath her… she kissed him.. and pressed herself hard downward. They both felt the rush. Gasping mouths locked as both their bodies went ridged. Pleasure surged upward, tieing them together and threatening to overwhelm them.
She broke their kiss and trailed her lips across his chin and down his neck, slowly rocking her hips to press against him. His mind was white, it was so far past his control. Mental hands felt for anything to grab hold of but it was like trying to catch a raging wind. It was all he could do to hold his ground as he was slowly being consumed by the gale.
She moved faster, pressing down apon his wrists to lift herself, then pushing him inside her with reckless abandon. He could feel the tightness and heat.. somehow not being able to see beneath the dress made it even more erotic. He felt her gasping breath at his neck, he felt the silky skin of her chest rubbing agenst his. She moaned from deep within her, the sound vibrating up through his body.
Her need was like molton metal in his vains.. igniting his own and burning him from within. He felt her hands grip tighter, her nails digging into his flesh. The pain was exquisite pleasure in the moment… and then he felt her teeth. She cried out, convulsing in orgasmic bliss and sank her teeth into the tender flesh of his neck.
His mind and body let go. His eyes rolled back in overwhelming pleasure, his breath was gone. His hips pushed upward, driving himself into her and grinding against her as his lust for her pulsed with her body and mind. She lay atop him, her tounge teaseing the mark apon his neck as he spent himself inside her. She let go of his hands and layed her head apon his chest, she was filled.. content.. he wraped his arms around her. Holding her to him. She closed her eyes relaxing into his embrace. He was still inside her as they both fell into the depths of sleep.
But they were not alone in their dreams.. they were connected now. Bound with chains no hammer could break. Hand in hand.. they walked into the misty forest of sleep. And they both knew.. they would stay.. just like this.. forever.
I told you the boy was special.
Best wishes.. -SirHanz
I was open and she attacked,
I took it full force,
Right in the chest,
I didnt deserve to be so treated,
A single word that ment no harm,
Twisted into venom,
The poison seeped in,
The sickness spread,
I know she is sensitive,
And just lashing out,
In frustration,
But it hurts,
I hurt,
I feel sick,
Cant breathe,
Poisoned.. with venom.
It amazes me how people think that just because your into bdsm or kink that it somehow means you have abandoned all ethical thought.
Unfortunately that stereotype is perpetuated by people in the community who don’t really understand what it’s all about. So why dont we set the record straight and dig into the myths and realities of bdsm.
Let’s start off with a big one. Consent. Trust in a bdsm relationship is incredibly important and ties in with giving consent. But when does consent need to be given? Is it something that only needs to be given once? Or renewed moment by moment? What about consenting to give up your right to consent (CNC)? People sometimes consent to behavior that is damaging to them to please another. It is a breach of trust to allow this. As a dominant it is important to remember that it is up to you to know what may be damaging to your submissive. And even if they tell you they are ok with the activity it is the ethical dom’s responsibility to not damage them. Consent is not a free pass to do whatever you want. A good dom is always concerned about the physical and mental wellbeing of their partner. Enabling self destructive impulses is not ethical or healthy. A dom works to minimize these impulses and maximize the pleasure gained through healthy choices.
Do no harm. People engage in bdsm play for pleasure and it often involves some form of pain or pushing outside of one’s comfort zone. But there is a difference between “hurt” and “harm”. Hurt is temporary, marks on the skin.. sore muscles… embarrassment… ect. Harm on the other hand is lasting. Permanent or long term physical damage.. PTSD.. lowered self esteem.. despair and depression. What makes do no harm a cornerstone of ethical bdsm is that it doesn’t prescribe what people should or should not find pleasure in. People are all different and have different wants and needs. But harm diminishes the ability of a person to be happy or to enjoy life. The do no harm principle keeps things from going “too far” and allows us to enjoy playing with a clear conscience.
Does this mean that things like degradation, objectification, or dehumanization have no place in ethical bdsm? No.. not really… when it is a temporary reversible effect it can even even empower the submissive. But what is wrong is to diminish someone permanently.
Be honest. Dishonesty undermines both consent and trust. We humans have an huge capacity for self deception as well. Being honest with yourself is incredibly important in bdsm. Be honest about your real wants needs and limits. Withholding necessary information makes for unsatisfied play.
Avoid unintended pain. The whole point of inflicting pain or discomfort in bdsm is for it to be intentional and meaningful. To form a connection between the dominant and the submissive resulting from a deliberate choice instead of the random nature of ordinary life. Causing pain without meaning suggests callousness and indifference. This is never a healthy mentality. Ethical sadism is never about unintentional suffering. But submissives need to be aware as well as their own actions or words can cause unintended emotional pain to their partner.
Respect limits. These are things you ether cant do because of physical or mental limitations or things you won’t do because you prefer not to or believe it would be wrong. With time and effort it is possible to expand the boundaries of these limits. But often it is more healthy to simply respect them and leave them where they are. There are some submissives that want the dom to be in total control of limits, that is not to say that they dont have limits.. only that it is the dom that must determine and respect the limits of the submissive. It is the consensual shifting of the responsibility of defining and maintaining those limits to only one person in the dynamic. There are times when a submissive will speak of haveing “no limits” with their dom. ( consensual non consent) This is often confusing for people. It is advanced consent to ignore all protests and limits. This can be vary dangerous and requires a deep bond of trust between both people. In rare cases people say that have “no limits” because they dont care if they are harmed. An ethical dom will refuse to interact with such self destructive people. They should be referred to trained psychologists for therapy.
Risk responsibility. Like any physically and mentally demanding activity there are always risks. It is important to know what they are and be personally responsible for your own decisions as to which risks you choose to take. Learn, be aware and make informed decisions. Takeing needless risks may excite some people but the cost is often higher than both you and your partner are willing to pay.
Dont push. If someone is not ready for something it is not ethical to push them into it. If it is something both people want but one is not ready for take things slow, make shure at every step that both people are comfortable with where they are before moving forward. Listen to your gut feelings. All of them, not just the part that says “I want this” but also the part that says “there is something wrong here”. If something doesn’t feel right communicate immediately. And if someone is pushing you into something your not comfortable with it is fine to tell them your not interested and walk away.
Job and family. Do not… I repeat… do not… fuck with someones job or family. Unless someone explicitly invites you into this part of their lives it is off limits. An ethical dom should do nothing that may threaten a submissives job or family relations. Anything that would “out” the sub without their consent to frends and family should always be avoided. And anything that threatens their livelihood is completely unethical. If the submissive WANTS to give up their job or be open to their frends and family that is of course different. But it should never be forced. On the other side a sub needs to respect a dom’s personal space. It is not ok to call a phone number you have not been given permission to use or to interact with their family or friends without permission.
No regrets. Any time your doing anything with a bdsm dynamic you should never feel like your going to regret it later. It’s ok to be unsure, that just means you should take things slow. But if you feel like you may regret it… dont do it. This is supposed to be a pleasurable and intimate connection. You should never regret anything you feel good about. It can be a learning experience, a personal affirmation of will, pleasure for both you and your partner, or anything else positive.
Finish what you start. If you are unable to continue for whatever reason and as long as your partner has not done harm, dont just walk away. The bond that forms between people in a bdsm dynamic is unique and should be respected. Providing closure is as important as any other aspect of a bdsm relationship. Just because kink is involved, that is no reason to enter into or leave a dynamic frivolously or without concern for all involved.
Starting or ending a bdsm relationship should never be done on a whim. Committing to a bdsm relationship is a big step. And both people should work to create a meaningful and fulfilling relationship. Typically when a submissive asks for release from a dynamic it is up to the dom to decide if they will grant it. However.. unless you have a damm good reason why you shouldn’t let them go you should always honor their wishes. Refusing to release a sub that wants out is crossing a line. So you better be damm shure you can solve whatever problem let to it before you deny it.
Dont use bdsm for therapy. If someone is struggling with mental health it is not ethical to allow them to use your dynamic as an excuse or crutch to prevent them from getting the help they need. Tricking or trapping a partner into becoming your therapist is not ok. They are not trained for it (unless they are) and cannot proved the care you or your partner needs. This can lead to a whole host of problems. It is one thing to be getting help or have gotten help for mental health challenges and then haveing a bdsm dynamic. It is quite another to mask or cover up those problems.
Respect others kinks. Just because it isn’t your thing doesn’t mean you should dislike the person. Give them the respect they deserve just as you would outside of bdsm or kink. This is not to say you need to show respect to asshats. If someone is a jerk.. just because they have a kink doesn’t mean you have to respect them. People like that often hind behind their kink and scream “kink shaming ” if they get any negative interactions. Dont judge based on their kinks, but if their being an asshat has nothing to do with bdsm feel free to tell them where to stick it.
Dont take your partner for granted.
It is easy to fall into a routine or a comfortable place in a dynamic over time. And that’s fine.. but you should always make shure your partner understands how much you value them and how special their submission or dominance makes you feel.
Be good. This doesn’t mean just some of the time. Strive to be the best that you can be for your partner ALL the time. Whatever your roles, whatever technique you use.. learn as much as you can and do it to the best of your abilities. Even if your haveing fun, you will have MORE fun if you play your heart out than if you are just going through the motions. And so will your partner. If you dont do the prep work you cant get the highest rewards. Good play can be spontaneous but only with a solid foundation of trust and skill. Practice won’t make you perfect but it will make you have a great time.
Best wishes -SirHanz
She tempts me with her words,
A glimpse of beauty,
A flash of pale skin,
A voice from dreams,
Each building apon the last,
Folding in apon my mind,
Drawing me ever deeper,
This minx in red,
That leaves me breathless,
With only a phrase,
She makes me feel,
Alive.
-SirHanz
It takes time,
To find the trust,
To say I need you..
To lay your heart,
In the hands of another,
Vulnerable and open…
To risk rejection,
To fear being broken,
To do it anyways…
A leap of faith,
Out into the void,
I close my eyes,
And step…
-SirHanz
Shimmering harbinger of suffering,
I laugh at your attempt to cause fear,
Sweeping red and gold across the sky,
To say beware.. I am comeing,
I smile and sip my tea,
I have beaten you before,
You will not get me today,
As you burn the air,
wither grass to dust,
I will ignore your rage,
And in serenity do my work.
-SirHanz
Philosophers, religious scholars, scientists, poets and writers have debated endlessly about what happens to us when we die.
On this subject I can only speak for myself. I have studied many different religions and philosophies. And have come to a conclusion. For me, I cant understand something that profound on faith alone. Only through experience could I ever hope to understand.
Fortunately for me.. I have first hand experience. No.. I didnt attempt suicide or take a bunch of pills in a fit of depression. Nothing so dramatic as that.
I used to do a lot of mountain biking when I was going to college in Waco. There is a big park near the river with lots of great trails. It was there that I was going far too fast around a corner and slipped off the trail. I fell about 20 feet or so and hit my head… and died.
I was not completely dead. But medically I was. My heart stoped and I was not breathing. Fortunately a passerby saw it happen and performed CPR. But I didnt have a pulse and wasn’t breathing for about 6 minutes. And I cant tell you what I saw.. because come on.. dead.. no eyes. But I can describe how it felt and that there were things I understood.
Imagine yourself as a drop of rain. Below you is an ocean. You are born, and everything you are.. everything that makes you..you comes together out of the clouds and becomes a separate and unique singular thing. A raindrop. You fall from the cloud and through space. This is life. The interval in between when the parts that came together to make you from the cloud coalesce and when you join the ocean. Death is the ocean. You.. the you that fell. that was tiny and unique, blending with the sea. Your now the sea. Your no longer the individual that was only a small drop. You are the whole. The sum and parts of all lives.. but you always were. Then small bits of the sea evaporate and form clouds.. and once again.. rain. It is difficult to explain what I felt.. that analogy is the best I have been able to come up with.
I believe that we do not fear death itself. But we fear the loss of our individuality. And we do. Or not.. depending on how you look at it. Imagine you have always been the sea. If you dip out a droplet.. is it still the sea? Both yes and no.
After about 6 minutes my heart started to beat once again and I started to breathe. Another minute and I woke up. I was taken to the hospital a few minutes later and had a severe concussion but no brain bleeding. I spent a couple days under observation and when they were satisfied I wouldn’t die i was sent home.
I never told anyone. What good would it do to worry those that cared about me? I was ok and just wanted to get back to my life. And honestly at that time I was processing a lot of the trauma from my childhood and was not in a good headspace. Probably not makeing the best decisions ether.
One thing did change though. I have a rather unique perspective on death. I also have no fear of it. I dont seek it out or want to die, quite the opposite… I charish my life. But I feel like I understand. And through that understanding it no longer scares me.
I have a unique perspective on death. And through it also a unique perspective on life. I dont crave material things. Small things bring me joy. I am not concerned with wealth or power in society. I would much rather focus on being happy, wherever that leads me.
I chose to break my silence for two reasons. First… I am trying to be completely open about my life. And my beliefs.
Second… my uncle has cancer. It is no longer responding to drugs and they are going to start radiation. This will kill his bone marrow and if he survives the treatment he will need a transplant. From my mother. At her age this is not without risk. But she is the most wonderful person I know and would do it in a heartbeat. It may be just fine.. but if there are complications… i may lose them both.
It was time i told this story. I am for the first time telling my parents what happened all those years ago. In hope that my experience may bring them some comfort in this time of uncertainty and fear.
I am only relating my own personal experience. I have no wish or belief to say that what others believe about death is in any way false or untrue. I can only speek for myself. Take it for what it is, think for yourself. For all I know it may be different for everyone. Maybe my story will resonate with someone else out there maybe not. But it is mine.. I lived it. I died for it. And now I choose to share it.
Alive and kicking -SirHanz
There are many different ways to show affection and love. For some people they feel it most through words, for others they feel affection through actions or acts of kindness/service. Some feel loved when their partner makes time for them…or makes them feel special through encouragement…
For me though.. it’s touch. When a partner wants to touch me… I feel loved. It can be something as simple as holding my hand, or a hug. Or something with a deeper feeling of connection like a kiss or a massage. This is one of the reasons that physical affection is one of the things I look for in a submissive. It makes me feel loved and cared for when they want to touch me.
I have always been like that to some extent. But due to probable trauma caused by how past relationships ended it had grown into not only something I want.. but something I need. It is never easy to admit your own insecurities or things that make you feel insecure. Especially in the content of a relationship. So with that in mind.. here are all of mine.
Anything that makes me feel like there is a growing distance between me and someone I love. This can be lack of communication, lack of contact, or being ignored. All of those make me feel insecure and I start to second guess all my words and actions. I can deal with it.. but it makes me feel unloved.
False accusations. To be accused of doing or saying something hurtful without talking to me about it first. Especially something that could be interpreted in several different ways. I NEVER want to harm someone I love. If I did harm unintentionally I want more than anything to fix it. Knowing that and accusing me anyway is hurtful and makes me feel insecure. I will probably feel like I am walking on eggshells around that person for a period of time after that.
I am insecure about my appearance. The want to touch reassures me that the person finds me attractive. Without it I honestly dont have a vary good opinion of how I look. This is something I am working on. But it’s not easy.
I would be interested to know what others love language is, and why. If you feel like shareing feel free to write it In the comments.
Best wishes. -SirHanz
Knotty Thoughts 