The Kind Sadist.

I recently had a thought provoking conversation with a sub and wanted to delve a little deeper into the subject.

A little background before I get into it..

I grew up in a vary anti violence home. My father is Buddhist and mother is Quaker. Both practice meditation and mindfulness. So it struck me how odd it was that the son (me) is a dominant with sadistic tendencies.

Yes.. I am a kind and caring person. And I think that I get a lot of that from how I was raised. But where did the sadist part come from? It has always been a part of me so I know it did not grow out of the abuse I have suffered. Though that may have made it stronger. And let me clarify.. when I say sadist I dont mean I tortured cats or something. I have only ever been interested in causing pain and discomfort to someone who wants and enjoys that. A subs need is what allows me to act on and enjoy pain. Do I enjoy punishing a sub? Not always… it depends on why they are being punished. The old saying “this is going to hurt me as much as it hurts you” can definitely be true. But other times… when I know deep down they are craving.. needing that punishment.. tears of frustration and helplessness are incredibly arousing. And Knowing how I like to push a sub I am also a devout practitioner of aftercare.

I always find it interesting whenever I reflect on my own actions and motivations and find such a stark contrast in aspects of my personality. But they somehow mesh together seamlessly.

I can be kind and loveing and that makes me happy. I can be strict and sadistic and it can make me laugh with joy. I am happy helping a friend or teaching something new.

A kind sadist? There are more things in this world horacio then have been drempt of by mortal man.

Best wishes -SirHanz

Second thoughts

I can count the times I have been truly angry in my life on one hand. How is that even possible you ask? Simple. I understand my self. In buddhism there is a meditation technique called second thoughts. The first thought is when you think of something, the second thought is when at the same time you think about why you had the first thought. I examine my own reactions and thoughts a lot.

Where did that thought come from?

Is it helpful? If so, how?

Is it logical?

Why am I haveing that thought now?

How does it make me feel?

That was the first step for me. To understand what I am thinking and why.

The second step was to recognize fear. Fear is both useful and destructive. Fear can be a warning system. When you feel fear, instead of drowning in it if you examine why you are feeling it you will follow one of two logic paths.

1. The fear is rational. Rational fear is your good buddy self preservation telling you it’s a long way down and you dont have a rope. This kind of fear is constructive and allows you to make decisions about dangerous things.

2. The fear is irrational. Irrational fear is your crazy aunt telling you even though you have a harness and rope both rated for over 12000 pounds your going to fall to your death. This kind of fear is destructive, and holds you back from things that are perfectly safe.

Now the hard part. Once you have identified a fear as irrational you need to let go of it. There are several ways to do this. If you have the willpower you can just abandon it. Or you can do things to show yourself that it is safe, and done enough times you may be able to let go of the fear. Or you can except the fear and do it anyway knowing you will be afraid but also knowing you will not be hurt. The last one is a hell of a leap of faith. Deep breath…. exhale… and… fuck it.

Understanding yourself takes time. Time most people dont have or dont want to take because they would rather be doing something else. It took me many years and I learn more about myself every year.

There is a trap here as well. It only works as long as you keep doing it. And if you stop doing it.. the confidence you gained becomes overconfidence. Be careful to avoid that if at all possible.

Good luck and remember, the cookies with chocolate chips look the same as the ones with raisins. Sometimes you just have to try things to know what it is you want.

Drumroll please… The kink list.

Have been working on this for a while, and honestly sharing my personal list of kinks is definitely not something I am comfortable doing. And that is the point. To get out of my comfort zone.

So.. without further adu. .. bum ba ba bum!

The kink list…

(Not In alphabetical order or in order of preference)

Corsets…. They are just sexy in so many ways how could I not start with that.

Restraints….. Leather, rope, metal, ziptie, whatever other mad DIY bondage thingy I can wrestle into existence from my imagination.

High heels… they make your legs and ass look great. And even though they make your feet hurt you put them on for me anyway. I like that.

Begging… want to know why I like this? You will have to beg.

Breath play.. yes, I know the dangers and I also have spent plenty of time learning what not to do and what we both will enjoy.

Spanking.. I think we all know this one.

Whips and floggers… traceing the pink lines apon a subs skin with a fingertip and hearing them moan… exquisite.

Sensory deprivation… no sight.. no smell.. no taste.. no hearing.. only the feel of my hand on the skin..

Orgasum denial.. the look on a subs face when they want it soooo badly… beautiful.

Gags… what was that? You want more?

Shibari… still learning. Beautifully complex.

Anal play and sex… intense pleasure.

Massage… having a sub work the kinks (pun intended) out of sore muscles… yah that is sexy..

Collars… this is mine.

And finally my biggest fetish… submission itself. The look on a subs face and in her eyes when she puts all that she is in your hands… oh yes.. bliss.

Knotty thoughts

I suppose I should start at the beginning. Hello, I am SirHanz. Anyone reading this will learn more about me as I write more into this blog. But that’s not why you are here reading. You are interested in BDSM. So that is where we will start. So get your cup of tea, curl up with a pillow and let’s dive right in.

I would like to talk a little about trust. No.. not the trust between a submissive and a dominant. There are plenty of blogs on that subject. And while it is important that is not the trust I am thinking of.
I want to talk about trusting yourself. Oof.. heavy I know.

There are two sides to this in the bdsm context. A dominant must trust himself to not lose control. Not just of his sub but of him/her self. This is more difficult than it sounds. A dominant has to be aware of their words and actions on a minute level. How is what they say and do effecting their submissive? How does that make them feel? Is what I am doing safe? Can I push things farther? Should I? Ect…
Keeping an iron grip on your own thoughts and not losing yourself to the moment can be a struggle. And trusting your own self control takes time and experience.

The other side of the coin is the submissive side. A submissive has to be able to trust themselves to give up that control. Even if they trust their dominant, if they dont trust themselves and feel like they will act in a displeasing way if they let go… they will struggle, wanting to submit but unable to let themselves. And that kind of internal conflict can drive a sub to put themselves into situations they shouldn’t have agreed to in an attempt to prove to themselves that they can handle it. It also invites sub frenzy. And when a submissive doesn’t trust themselves to totally give up control they often feel like they have failed in some way even if they have not. And then you have subdrop. Once a sub has dropped from lack of self trust it can become a vicious cycle of bad situations and subdrop.

So there you have it.. take some time and think about times your trust in yourself has been shaken. And what you can do to work on building up that trust in yourself.

Best wishes -SirHanz