Of dreams

So its 2am.. I have been woken up from a weirdly vivid dream and I wanted to get it out of my head. I am shopping at whole foods late at night with my brother. I am a bit hungry so I buy some pickled beets (in the dream they are delicious… I hate beets.) I get some toasted tortillas to put them on and a nice white wine to go with it. I go out to the car to put things away and stop to help a lady haveing car problems. After helping her I again set out for my car and realize I am lost. I end up walking home to the apartment complex (I dont live in an apartment) and because it is late and I am tired end up on the wrong floor walking into the apartment a floor below mine. There is a girl in a hoodie playing video games, the things in the room I walk into look the same as what is in my living room but rearranged and with small imperfections and differences. I stammer an apology and turn to leave. The hoodie girl says something I dont quite catch and I almost walk into another girl comeing in the door. After explaining to the new girl what I am doing there she says she understands and I excuse myself and leave. Now again I am lost and end up at the open door to another apartment. There is a frail old man laying in the doorway bemoaning the need to have his inlaws move in so that he can support a son that abandoned him. I help him up and help him inside. He Introduces me to his wife and I talk with her a bit, she is depressed because her husband is sad. I give her some kind words that seem to help her feel a little better. She says I look tired, I admit that I am and she offers to let me use their extra room to rest. I gladly accept and she shows me to the room. She leaves me at the door and I go inside, it is a small room with a large bed in it. The blanket on the bed is a faded red and looks hand knitted. I sit on the bed and look around the room, it is then that I notice three ladies siting at the head of the bed leaning on the headboard. Two are talking to each other and how they look is blurry and unimportant in the dream. The third… siting quietly to one side not saying a word.. is stunning. She is wearing a silk drape and a tiny pair of panties both in a deep burgundy. I look at her, drinking in how the low light plays apon her skin. She smiles at me, it is a smile conveying need, want, and desire. She desires me. Slowly she moves her knees apart, spreading her legs and allowing me to see all of her. I turn and lay my head back using her thigh as a pillow. I look up at her and she says nothing, just gently caresses my face with her hand. Then suddenly in my dream it all makes sence. I speak.. oh! You must have read my blog!

Then I wake up.

Apologies if that was weird and rambling but such is the way of dreams. And it is now 3am.

Goodnight dear readers. -SirHanz

Cant sleep

I am generally a fairly easygoing guy, but there are a few thing that just annoy the crap out of me.

One of the biggest things is being woken up right as I doze off. Shure.. if it’s an emergency I get it.. it’s fine I will deal with it. But tonight it was a false alarm… literally. The battery in the smoke alarm died and it starts makeing that high pitched [I hate you and never want you to sleep again] noise. And of course I snap awake wondering what fresh hell is this… realize what the noise is, realize I am going to have to get out of bed and remove the battery… so of course I get up and do that because I do actually want to sleep at some point tonight.

Getting woken up is only half of why it annoys me though. The main reason is that if I get woken up as I am falling asleep, I catch my second wind and cant fall back asleep for a couple of hours no matter how tired I am.

And so I find myself here writing, hopeing it helps me into the embrace of morpheus once again. And knowing that in all likelihood I will get 4 hours of sleep and then have to crawl around in an atic pulling wire tomorow wanting to faceplant into the fiberglass insulation because it looks soft.

Well.. 1am and I am still up.. I may as well try to write something usefull.

Experience

I was once asked why I only try to help doms and female subs. To me the answer was obvious, that is where my experience is. I can help doms because I have often made the same mistakes and had the same problems. I can help female subs because I have invested monumental amounts of time into learning as much as I can about what it is like to be a female sub, what they need, what submission can do to a lady physically and mentally, and how best to avoid the pitfalls that come with all that. And I am still learning. Every dom or sub I meet teaches me something.

So why not help a male sub? Because I dont know crap about what they need or how to help them. The best thing I can do is to not fiddle around with things I dont understand. That’s how things get even more messed up. So no matter how bad I feel for them it is best for them If i let someone who does have to tools and experience step in to help.

And that is the point of this blog, know yourself. Know what you can do and what you cant. Learn when you can help someone and when to step back and let someone with more experience step in. And know when to seek the help of those with more experience than yourself. There have been plenty of times I needed to do that. ( I try to limit how much i bother other doms with questions though. I know that my curiosity to know everything can suck up time they often dont have to spare. )

I will close with this… if in doubt… ask. It is often more important to recognize what you dont know than to rely only on what you do.

1:30am..

Going to go stair at the dark and listen to the dog snore. Hopefully I will sleep soon.

3am..

Still awake. Have to get up for work at 7… soo tired….

Goodnight fellow dreamers -SirHanz

Just a peek

Oh.. the things in my head some days…

Here is just a peek at the odd things that go on up there throughout the day.

I woke up this morning tired, mild headache from allergies, still a bit turned on from a nice dream and thought.. I wonder what it would be like to go back to bed and fall asleep getting a blowjob….I wonder, could this be a new thing? The “nap job”?

Sipping my tea on the couch, reading blogs.. a thought occurs to me. How long has it been since I have seen a sub get rope drunk?

Driving to work, a nice looking lady in the car beside me smiles at me. I wonder.. does she just like my hat?

Lunch.. sandwich and chips… why do they put a health warning on cigarettes but not on the huge dildos and plugs?

Working, eat a dick sun. Gawd I am tired…

Hmm.. is it ironic if ice cube gets heat stroke?

Home, gotta make food so I dont wake up starving at 4am… passed out for an hour in recliner instead. Was woken by dog jumping on nuts.

Time for bed, this room could use some flowers. And a naked submissive. Maybe a dimmer bedside lamp as well… seriously too bright in here. I wonder what goes better with the decor… redhead… or burnett.

“Red”

So you want another story… alright, I am not one to deny curiosity.

Let’s see, where to begin…

Ah! I know.. let me take you back.

Through the mists of time and memory, back to a time about 6 years after “she who shall not be named” went back under the sea to live with the other denizens of the deep… or that’s what I like to pretend happened.

At this time in my life I was still a young man, golden hair to the middle of my back… skinny as a rail… and trying to decide between buying decent food or buying paint and living off ramen and grilled cheese.

I ate a lot… of ramen.

I would wake up at 5am.. get ready and walk to the bus, two transfers and 3 buses later at 8:30 if I am lucky and 9 if I miss a transfer I get to work. 6 to 8 hours later it’s back on the bus, set alarm on phone.. nap. Transfer, nap, transfer walk home.. cook my ramen.. I saved the grilled cheese for nights when I didn’t have enough left in my wallet to buy a large frys at Wendy’s for lunch. Eat.. and then it was time to paint.

One of my favorite techniques has always been to coat the canvas in a thick layer of heavy acrylic medium mixed with titanium white. Then press a plastic bag into the paint and pull it slowly off leaving a texture of little spikes and hollows. Let it dry, turn it upside down and paint a wash of watercolor. The pigment pools in the hollows forming completely random and unique patterns.

Then it is like watching clouds.. you stare and let your eyes lose focus.. let the pattern come together and form shapes in your mind.

Slowly.. with brush and pallet you reach into those patterns and pull out an image. Drawing out what you saw with your mind onto the canvas for all to see.

And then I look at the time.. 2am..

Put down the brush.. curl up on the couch.. sleep.

Alarm… 5am. Drag myself into the shower.. then tea. Strong enough to make the spoon stand up. Then I look at the easel standing in the living room.

I think I just about jumped out of my skin.

HOLY CRAP! What the hell is that?

In my sleep deprived stupor of painting the night before I had worked only in red.

The wash when dried looked for all the world like flayed flesh. And the image I had so carefully pulled from my subconscious was a face. But not a face.. it was more..

I circled the easel.. when the light of the lamp was from the right, the shadows of the texture changed the image. It was a woman. Head bowed as if in deep thought. I circled.. with the light from the left her head became an eye, the swell of her chest the jawline.. there was, the woman’s face was back…. and it was screaming.

I sat on the couch. Stunned.

Had I created this? It was beautiful.. and horrible. And quite frankly scared the shit out of me. I stared.. it was disturbing.. moving my head back and forth, watching the image twist from one to the other. I looked closer, It was perfect. Not a stray brushstroke anywhere. All the proportions were exactly right.

I flopped back on the couch and covered my face with my hand. What have I created? It was a monstrosity.. and a masterpiece. I picked up the phone and called into work even though I needed the money I just… couldn’t… so little sleep and with my head still spinning.. no.

Then I called the gallery. I tried to convay what it was.. what it looked like.. but it was just too much. I didn’t even want to look at it anymore. I wanted it gone. In less than an hour the gallery owner was knocking at my door. I already had it wrapped in butcher paper.

I handed it to her.. “take it. Sell it. I dont ever want to see it again. ” she nodded and said some polite things that I was too rattled to recall. And then it was gone. But not.. I could still see it, behind my eyes.. in my head.. I needed sleep.

I slept for 20 hours.

I felt better when I woke.. but it was still there, fainter.. but not gone. I did my best to ignore it, went through my day.. and the next.. and the next.

But I didn’t paint. A week later I got a letter from the gallery, my painting had sold the same day it was put up. And inside the envelope was a check. 9000 dollars, far more than I had wanted for it.

A sigh escaped me then. Now it was gone… but it wasn’t. To this day if I think about it I still see it in my mind. I dont know who owns it. The sale was anonymous and i am honestly glad for it. For if i knew who had it… i might want it back.

It was simply titled “Red”

I have painted a bit since then but the paintings never feel quite “right”. Eventually I gave it up in favor of other artistic pursuits.

There you have it. Another story told. Another peace of me I expose to the world.

Wishing you all the best -SirHanz

Rough night.

Laying in bed trying to calm the vortex of thoughts so that I can sleep. Inevitably my thoughts turn inward as I examine my day.

Did I help someone today? I hope so…

Did I get things done around the house? Meh… not so much.. still pretty sore from work on Friday. I will mow the lawn, trim the trees, and bathe the dog tomorrow.

Was I a good domanent today? I did learn a few new things today. Always a good thing. Honestly it always makes me happy to learn something new, even after 20 years of being a dom there are still new and exciting things just waiting to be learned or understood.

Haveing a moment of introspection tonight.. thinking of all the things and people I have gained and lost over the years.

There are things I am glad to have… a comfortable bed.. plenty of good food ready to be cooked…. the dog snoring softly and kicking at my feet as he dreams… a good friend who is like a brother to me.

And there are things and moments that I dearly miss… the affectionate touch of a loved one… the entrancing beauty of moonlight kissed mountains under the stars… far too much lost to the mist of time. Some things still too raw to write about, some like old scars that ache when a storm is coming.

I know why I am feeling this way… but knowing doesn’t make it feel any better. Only allows me to maybe get some sleep.

Untitled poem from a sleep deprived man.

Sleep eludes the dreaming mind,

Thoughts drift in diming light,

She turns and slips her hand in thine,

Her Eyes on his speak her need and plight,

Breath on her neck.. skin flushed and tight,

A gasp as he grips her hair in calloused hand,

Flesh burns hot on moonless night,

Her body twists with fevered demand,

Flame made desire submits to his gaze,

No rope binds yet she is bound all the same,

Please she whispers… lost in pleasures maze,

She shudders and cries out his name,

And finally sleep… a drowsy smile apon her lips,

Darkness enfolds… and all is silence.