So now that I am back on the market per say I am reminded of challenges I have faced in the past when trying to find a submissive partner. The foremost of these is that I am a nice guy.
Now usually that is an attractive quality in a man. But i have found that often in the bdsm community it is actually a hindrance. Especially if the submissive is new.
Correct me if i am wrong.. but i have noticed a lot of submissives build an image of their ideal dom in there head. If you are a single submissive reading this then take a moment and think about what this ideal dom looks and acts like..
I will bet you a spanking not one of you thought you wanted a nice guy. For some reason “nice” doesn’t mix with fantasy. And fantasy is how we choose reality. When is the last time someone held the door for you and you thought “damm I bet he is a good dom” …. nope. Not gonna happen. But when a guy is acting like he is entitled to the submission of everyone in the room then that’s hot? Why is that? The guy is obviously an asshat. But first impressions matter. And his first impression is “dom”. And the nice guy’s impression is “oh.. that was nice of him.. now let’s go back to looking at the dom”
Now I am not saying that all submissives want to be with an asshat. Some do, and to each their own. But most if you ask them what they want in a dom they will describe the nice guy.
So where’s the disconnect? Why want the nice caring dom and yet totally ignore him for the angry asshat? I have actually heard a submissive say “dont talk to him, he looks like he would be too nice.” *facepalm* seriously?? Now with online dating fortunately it forces you to write a profile and you can usually sort the good from the bad. But in person.. we dont come with a profile.
So next time your getting hit on by 3 doms at once and just loveing the attention, take a step back and notice the guy who was polite enough not to hit on you when you were already being bombarded by “submit to me now” instadoms. Because let me tell you.. more than likely, they dont want to make you happy.
Food for thought.
Best wishes. -SirHanz
Knotty Thoughts 
Very true. The thing that new submissives should be thinking in any type of d/s relationship is… is this person someone I would like outside of d/s? Is this someone who has the same values I have? Is this someone who would treat me with respect? Asshats are everywhere. As a dominant I know there is a difference in acting entitled because that feeds a submissive’s mindset and they enjoy me acting that way towards them at times, to actually believing I am due that entitlement just because I am dominant. You have my commiseration. It is not easy fighting the fantasy image.
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I agree, it’s one thing to be dominant within the bounds of a D/s relationship and a other to try to dominate someone who has not offered you their submission. On one hand I understand why some find that so attractive, but on the other i wish they would think more about what it would be like to actually date the guy.. not just play with him.
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Agree totally.
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My Dom is a total gentleman and sweetheart… until he’s not. But even then, he respects my boundaries. I tend to go for older men- they seem to understand patience and kindness and respect. I also enjoy the kind of alpha who has quiet confidence.
I hope you find what you’re looking for.
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Thanks! And your dom must be old school like me. We are gentlemen and dom in equal measure. But most will never meet the dom.
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