A good talk.

Last night I had a good talk with S. she told me that she understood that due to her mental and physical health that she was unable to give me what I need in any kind of relationship. (Physical contact, a feeling of connection, a feeling of being cared for and loved) She said that she understood the sacrifice of caring for her but that she wanted me to be happy and feel loved. she knows that she cant give me that, not now and maybe not ever again. She encouraged me to find someone that would make me happy and that I could have that kind of connection with. She understood that her liveing with me complicates my haveing a relationship with someone else and she was apologetic about it. It was nice to feel validated and listened to. We still care about each other but I need to be happy again. It has been too long. haveing her give me that and saying she wants me to find that happiness again with someone else felt so liberating.

We talked for hours and realized that we both still loved each other but that was not enough. She needed space and time alone. She is going to work on getting help but thinks that it is unfair for me to be unhappy for who knows how long. We decided that we would not completely split up but that we would have an open relationship where I am able to see other people and find the kind of woman that could love me in the ways I need to be happy. And if they want we may turn it into some kind of poly dynamic. (Which may actually work because there would be no jealousy over physical affection, because S is not capable of giving me that.) Or depending on the wishes of whomever I meet we may just keep that relationship separate from what I have with S. It will depend a lot on the wishes of whomever I find of course. I dont want to put someone into a position where they feel uncomfortable, that kind of relationship would never last.

So there it is.. apparently I am looking for a unicorn. But at least I have hope. The day feels a little brighter (or maybe that’s just the sun trying to kill me) and I feel good for the first time in a long.. long.. time. I may never find my unicorn, but at least I dont feel any guilt anymore. And who knows.. there may just be someone out there who can accept me for who I am and show me what it feels like to be loved once more.

Thank you sunflower, you inspired me to be free.

Best wishes -SirHanz

Dinner in winter

They sit across from each other… eating, laughing, smiling a knowing smile…

Her coat is pulled tightly around her, warming her against the cold..

Her heels click quietly against the tile as she shifts in her seat, the metal chair is like ice..

She shivers as the wind blows, curling up underneath her coat…

Across bare skin…

He grins from behind his steaming cup of tea, sipping quietly… watching…

Again she can’t help but squerm in her seat.. the clink of metal on metal, she gasps quietly.. no one notices.. but him..

The waiter arrives and asks about dessert, he hands the waiter a note, the waiter nods and leaves..

His eyes betray his delight as the hot pie is placed in front of him, she scowls at him and looks at her sweet dessert with fear…

Ice cream…

His smile grows wider, her eyes plead with his… he nods toward the frozen treet..

Her head droops.. trembling hand picks up the spoon.. one bite.. then two.. so cold..

Finish it quickly, she thinks.. get it over with…

He chuckles. .. savoring the warm taste of the pie, watching her quiver as she shovels down the freezing chocolate…

The waiter comes again, asking if they are done.. he turns to the waiter.. “it appears she was hungrier than I thought.. please bring the lady another…”

Her eyes are beseeching, pleading.. as he slips from his warm mug..

His hand reaches into his pocket, she bites her lip to keep from crying out as a soft humm emanates from her lap…

The sound stops as the waiter arrives with another bowl of sweet hell… she breathes deeply, nodding to the oblivious man as he leaves..

She starts to eat slowly this time.. the sound returns.. she almost chokes as the spoon slips from her hand..

His coy grin betrays his enjoyment as he picks up the spoon and feeds her a small bite..

Her knuckles are white as she grips the arms of of the chair.. freezing thighs burn as they press together under the table..

He raises another spoonful to her lips, the spoon tips dropping winters kiss down her collar and between ivory flesh.. “oops..”

Her body stiffens, eyes roll back, nails dig harshly into wooden arm ressts…

The humm stops and she slumps into the chair.. no longer caring about its touch..

He pays the check..leaving a generous tip as she cleans herself up in the bathroom..

There is a to-go cup of hot coco waiting for her when she returns..

She clutches the cup with shaking hands… “th.. tha..nk yo..u. s..ir..”

He wraps her in his coat, holding her against his warmth..

And if you where to listen vary closely on this winter’s night…

You may hear her humming softly as he set her gently into the warmth of the car.

More sleepy writing -SirHanz

Kiss.

Crimson lips part, perfection made flesh..

The heart within beats with savage heat..

Closer, bodies press.. hands mesh..

Against the wall of hard concrete..

Hand in hair two breaths entwine..

She knows beyond doubt that she is mine.

Best wishes from a vary sleepy SirHanz

The playlist

I had a request to share some music so here it is.. a little mood music for playtime.

Apocalyptica – Beautiful

Tommee Profitt – Cant help falling in love (Dark) (feat. Brooke)

Nick cave and the bad seeds – Red right hand

Meg Myers – Desire

Apocalyptica – House of chains

Nightcore – call me master (deeper version)

Lords of acid – Rough sex

Type O Negative – Love you to death

Brooklyn Duo – The sound of silence

Hope you enjoy. And just for fun here are some songs you may or may not have heard. Feed the ear worm. Once you hear them they are stuck in your head forever lol.

Electric Six – Sythesizer

Scandroid – thriller (fury weekend mix)

The Goddamm Gallows – Y’all Motherfuckers need jesus

MC Hawking – Bitchslap

Thank you sir.

I was picking up groceries last night and talking with the cute checkout girl. As I turned to leave she said “Thank you sir”. I’m shure it didnt mean anything to her but it got me thinking about gratitude.

Gratitude is incredibly important in any relationship. And a D/s dynamic is no different. The submissive must feel heard and appreciated. And the dominant must feel that the sub is happy with their dynamic and thankful for all their care and effort.

I feel this is often overlooked in any relationship. We do a lot for our partners and a thank you definitely helps to let us know that it was effort well spent. But dont stop there.. it is just as important to SHOW your partner that you are thankful. Saying “thank you” or “that ment a lot to me” is definitely something you should do, but if you hear it all the time without any action attached to it… it tends to mean less and less over time.

So thank you dear readers. It means a lot to me that you take the time to read my blog. And to show you how much I appreciate it.. here is a naughty picture. Enjoy.

Best wishes -SirHanz

Good… honorable..

I love you… those three little words can fill up the whole of the world. There is so much meaning wrapped up in them. It is concent and want and need all wrapped up in a smile that makes your heart want to leap from your chest. But what happens to those words when everything you would expect to come with them is taken away.. and they still say the words..

A gentle wind that slowly hollows you out from within.

At first you try to make things better, to fix things.

Then you give them whatever they ask for in the hope that one day those words will mean more.

And you give them time.. time to sort things out.. time to cope with things.. time to get better..

At first you dont even notice.. then days pass.. then weeks.. then months..

You begin to ache for the love you are denied.

Each day the tiniest bit of your own love dies.

But you are good.. honorable.. they asked you to wait.. to give them space to find themselves again, and so you wait..

A year pass.. loneliness slowly erodes the mountain of will. Selfish acts and bitter words that were small things before.. easily forgiven, now sting and leave behind poisonous bitterness. But you are good.. honorable.. and refuse to abandon hope.

Another year… loneliness turns to sadness.. things you used to enjoy, that made you feel alive… now crumble like dried leaves in your hands.. all the pain.. sacrifice.. now feels unappreciated. some days are better, some worse.. but you are good.. honorable.. and though hope is gone.. you will not turn away. You still do what you can to help.. to make things a little better, to show you still care..

Another year.. you are tired. Battle weary.. moving on autopilot with rare moments of wakefulness.. one act of love, purely for the sake of love.. would bring you back to life, give you strength.. but you receive nothing.

Hollow… a walking shell of good.. honorable.. man.

The wakeing dream

There was heat between her legs..

Dreaming of him..

Blurry eyes open slowly…

It feels blissful…

Eyes close..

The waves of pleasure slowly riseing..

The pillow smells of lavender and linen..

A soft moan, was that her?…

Cobwebs of sleep drift like clouds..

She smiles lazily and licks her lips..

A kiss at the corner of her mouth..

Tastes like mint…

Something.. inside.. feels good..

Teeth nip at her breast…

She arches her back, stretching…

More..

Harder..

Her legs wrap around him…

The smell of candles..

Lips find his with panting kiss..

The whole world is pleasure…

Her world turns white..

His warmth fills her…

Her eyes find his..

A smile…”Good morning sir.”

Best wishes -SirHanz

Take me to the Limit.

Limits… hard limits, soft limits.. these are terms most people in the community accept as a given that everyone knows. But it’s not always the case. Especially to someone who is new to bdsm. So gather round… it may be old hat or ot may be something new but it’s never a bad thing to go over.

Before a dom and sub ever play or enter into any kind of arrangement or dynamic there are things bot dom and sub would consider off limits. They openly talk about these limits and together decide on the limits of the dynamic.

Hard limits. Things the sub or dom absolutely will not do. Hard limits may change over time but it’s not something you should count on. Only the one who set the hard limit may brake it. These are often not only things the person doesn’t like but may be psychologically or physically damaging. Respect hard limits.

Soft limits. These are things the person has tried and doesn’t like or things they dont like the idea of. A dom may do these things for a variety of reasons.. punishment..just to push the subs boundaries..because they are a sadist..to introduce something new that they believe the sub will enjoy.. there are many reasons to push a soft limit. But if you set it as a soft limit and not a hard limit… know you will be pushed.

Now that we have a basic understanding of limits what kind of limits should you set? This is often hard especially for people new to BDSM because it’s not like you are given a “into to bdsm with complete list of kinks and map” pamphlet when you decide its something you want. And people are inventing new ones all the time! (Proud inventor of the “Nap Job”) the best you can usually do is look up as many different kinks as you can and then discuss them with your potential partner. Asking an experienced dom or sub is also a good option.

And remember.. dont rush. If they are the dom or sub for you then they are not going to disappear if you take your time and learn. Anyone wanting to immediately submit or is demanding submission without talking through all the fine details probably has alternate motives.

Best wishes -SirHanz

Ps. If you understand why the math at the top is both relevant to this discussion and funny let me know in the comments and you win a prize.

Your only as old as you feel.

And today.. I feel positively ancient.

Last Wednesday I started to feel some pain in the muscles in my lower back. And of course.. I ignored it. After all.. I had shit to do! Gotta work.. gotta take care of the house.. gotta get groceries.. the lists are endless. So yah.. I ignored the pain and just got shit done.

Thursday.. pain slightly worse. Well that’s annoying.. I need to cut down a tree and move all that heavy wood! Best to ignore it..

Friday.. now its really starting to hurt. Standing up from a sitting position is becomeing painful. Bending over even without lifting something is painful. Well shit… this is really starting to hurt! Fuck it. I got things to do. Pain ignored.

Saturday.. pain is about the same. Back at work. Well.. at least it’s not getting worse. I should be able to disassemble a sauna, carry it up 2 flights of stairs and put it back together. Fuck that pain, I am tougher than that.

Sunday.. it hurts to sit up. Got bitched at by S for not doing things around the house. So now I am in pain whenever I bend, sit up, stand up, or lift anything with my arms extended… and I feel bad for not doing more around the house. Yay me.

Monday.. back at work. Damm I feel old. Haveing to baby my back so i dont make things worse, am probably makeing it worse anyway.

The lesson here? Take care of yourself whenever you can. Just because you can push through pain doesn’t mean you should. Each of us has to decide what is worth possibly makeing something worse and what is not.