Cant sleep

I am generally a fairly easygoing guy, but there are a few thing that just annoy the crap out of me.

One of the biggest things is being woken up right as I doze off. Shure.. if it’s an emergency I get it.. it’s fine I will deal with it. But tonight it was a false alarm… literally. The battery in the smoke alarm died and it starts makeing that high pitched [I hate you and never want you to sleep again] noise. And of course I snap awake wondering what fresh hell is this… realize what the noise is, realize I am going to have to get out of bed and remove the battery… so of course I get up and do that because I do actually want to sleep at some point tonight.

Getting woken up is only half of why it annoys me though. The main reason is that if I get woken up as I am falling asleep, I catch my second wind and cant fall back asleep for a couple of hours no matter how tired I am.

And so I find myself here writing, hopeing it helps me into the embrace of morpheus once again. And knowing that in all likelihood I will get 4 hours of sleep and then have to crawl around in an atic pulling wire tomorow wanting to faceplant into the fiberglass insulation because it looks soft.

Well.. 1am and I am still up.. I may as well try to write something usefull.

Experience

I was once asked why I only try to help doms and female subs. To me the answer was obvious, that is where my experience is. I can help doms because I have often made the same mistakes and had the same problems. I can help female subs because I have invested monumental amounts of time into learning as much as I can about what it is like to be a female sub, what they need, what submission can do to a lady physically and mentally, and how best to avoid the pitfalls that come with all that. And I am still learning. Every dom or sub I meet teaches me something.

So why not help a male sub? Because I dont know crap about what they need or how to help them. The best thing I can do is to not fiddle around with things I dont understand. That’s how things get even more messed up. So no matter how bad I feel for them it is best for them If i let someone who does have to tools and experience step in to help.

And that is the point of this blog, know yourself. Know what you can do and what you cant. Learn when you can help someone and when to step back and let someone with more experience step in. And know when to seek the help of those with more experience than yourself. There have been plenty of times I needed to do that. ( I try to limit how much i bother other doms with questions though. I know that my curiosity to know everything can suck up time they often dont have to spare. )

I will close with this… if in doubt… ask. It is often more important to recognize what you dont know than to rely only on what you do.

1:30am..

Going to go stair at the dark and listen to the dog snore. Hopefully I will sleep soon.

3am..

Still awake. Have to get up for work at 7… soo tired….

Goodnight fellow dreamers -SirHanz

Time

Let me start by freely admitting that I am a sadist and want to hurt your brain a little. So sit back.. brace yourself.. and know that somewhere out there I am having a little laugh knowing that you are reading this.

I have always had an interest it time. What is time? How does it affect our lives?

Let’s start with the basics. Time is a function of two things. Entropy and memory. We measure time by looking at the changes in the world around us, we remember what things were like before and measure the rate of change… and presto… you have time. We track that change in the form of clocks and recordings. But why do we do that? Primarily because memory is flawed, we need a reference point to understand the passage of time. Before clocks we had the sun and the seasons.

What could be so mind bending about that you ask? Well… the kicker is this… memory.

Memory is flawed. As is our perception based on it. As in “gawd.. that test took forever! ” or “it’s over already? But we just started! “.

Did time speed up or slow down? No? Are you shure? If your whole concept of the passage of time is based around your experience of things moving or changing and all change happens at a certain measurable rate how would you know if time moved faster or slower? Only by observing from a perspective not effected by time could you notice time speeding up or slowing down. And since this is not possible because we ourselves are within and affected by time it is impossible for us to persevere changes in the rate that time passes. If time moves faster then everything moves faster. Our perception of time included. So we would not notice any change.

Ok.. you got all that? Feel the headache comeing on? Oh.. but I am not done…

As the theory of relativity explains, time and space are linked. When something moves at a speed close to that of light the time of the object slows down relative to the passage of time for slower moving objects. It’s the classic scifi trope of spaceship flying close to the speed of light comes back to earth thinking an hour has passed and finds the earth ruled by techno nazi’s or something. Relative mass also increases as you approach the speed of light. Time is also affected by gravity. We see this in the warping of spacetime around a black hole. So how do we know if the reverse is also true? That gravity is affected by time? I believe it is.. and I can prove it. Time moves faster and slower and we dont notice. However.. time moving faster also affects gravity. Just as an objects speed affects time. And that’s why it’s hard to drag yourself out of bed after a long night.

Wait for it…. and…. yup.. there it is… told you I was going to hurt your brain.

Best wishes -SirHanz

The first Blush

After last night’s post I felt I needed a lighter topic. So here it is… one of my favorite things as a dominant is to make a lady blush. A blush is a physical response to emotions, usually embarrassment. This can be from a gentle compliment, humiliation, or an unexpected naughty thought. But whatever the reason, I find it to be immensely sexy.

But why do I find this so attractive? Let’s think about that question. How is the lady feeling when she blushes? Is it a direct physical response to something I did? Shure sounds like I just asserted a form of dominance doesn’t it? I did or said something and her body reacted without conscious thought. That is control, and that one often innocent little act has a lot of the things a dominant craves all wrapped up in one tiny moment.

So yes.. next time you see a lady blush… go on… enjoy the hell out of it.

Best wishes -SirHanz

The House of Hanz

Part of the reason I am writing this blog is cathartic exercise. It’s not healthy to feel like you have to hide a part of yourself. So one blog at a time I am putting it all out there.

Today I am talking about my last sub and my home. This is not an easy topic for me to talk about let alone write down for all the world to see. But I think I should. Primary because I really don’t want to.

I will start with this… when I give my heart to someone… I am fiercely loyal…

I met my sub, I will call her S about 11 years ago. We had a lot in common and even though she didnt know anything at all about bdsm at the time was a submissive in the truest sense of the word. She had a 9yo daughter and at first I was hesitant because of my past experiences but vary quickly came to care for her deeply. S had a pretty rough life up until the point she met me, her story is not mine to tell but suffice to say that she had been abused. Both as a child and later with a physically and mentally abusive husband. There were a lot of mental scars left over from that experience and I was careful to try to learn her triggers and avoid them.

It was several months after we met that she moved in with me with her daughter and the dog that had been her constant companion through years of abuse. Things were going well at first and S was learning to be an amazing submissive despite her heath problems (she has a bad case of fibromyalgia). Then her daughter started having problems in school. We were not in the best part of town to put it mildly and the teachers at the school just wanted to meditate the heck out of the poor girl instead of hoping with her behavior problems. So lacking alternatives we pulled her out of school and S started homeschooling her. We had her in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist, she was finally diagnosed with O.D.D. oppositional defiance disorder. Her behavior got steadily worse as she got older. She used the manipulation of others like a weapon to torment S trying to force S into giving her whatever she wanted at the time. I didnt work but the stress of being in constant damage control mode and haveing a daughter that not only showed S no affection but made her feel like a failure all the time was extremely taxing on S personality and to our relationship. Somehow we made the best of it and made it work.

Years passed and eventually we got a 3 bedroom 2 bath mobile home In a much better part of town. We got the daughter back into public school and even though she was held back twice she was in a better school with better teachers that mostly understood why she acted the way she does. Her behavior did not improve. She became more manipulative and abusive toward S the older she got. It was all I could do to prop up S however I could and try to minimize the damage.

Things steadily got worse between me and S as she mentally retreated from haveing any kind of emotional connection with anyone except for her dog. This was vary hard on me but I understood and did what I could to support her and show that she was cared for. It seemed to help for a while and it felt like things were getting better.

Then three and a half years ago her daughter turned 18, and days after in a fit or rage dropped out of school, said some vary hurtful things to S and left home… S was devastated. And again.. I was left to pick up the pieces of my my beloved sub and try to help her however I could….. 4 weeks later her dog that had been with her through everything as a source of comfort passed away from pancreatitis…. and I think it broke her. She retreated from the world, and from me. I have done everything I can to be supportive, but no matter how much I do or give she is not who she once was. We are friendly with each other but I have not received so much as a hug from her in 3 years. This year she moved into the extra room in the house. (My best friend and adopted brother lives in the other room). S is unable to work due to health problems so I still support her because I care about her enough to not want to see her in a bad situation. But we are no longer together in any sense of the word. I am feeling rather sad as I write this.. after everything we went through it just feels so wrong. But it is reality and I will not look away because it makes me feel better.

Two years ago I rescued a dog to try and help S form some kind of connection again. It didnt work but I at least found a friend. He became vary attached to me and is as I write this sleeping on my feet in my big empty bed. Even if he didnt help S that much he definitely helped me.

I will end this story here and leave you with an introduction to cookie monster. (Cookie when he is good, just monster when he is being an asshat)

Best wishes -SirHanz

An Apocalyptic night

So I will preface this by saying that I dont go out much, i work hard and am usually sore and tired by the end of the day. To get me to go out on a Friday night takes something of epic proportion. But this was just such an event. For those not fermiler with them apocalyptica is a band from Finland. They play metal on 4 cellos and it is phenomenal. So when I saw they would be playing in Austin I snapped up a ticket as soon as I could. If you haven’t heard them before, look them up. You are in for a treat.
The show was being held at the paramount theater. It is a wonderful small venue in the heart of downtown Austin.

The show starts calmly, people sitting and listening.. the acoustics of the paramount make the sound of the cellos swell and vibrate through you. They go through the set list playing one Metallica song after another. And I am just sitting in my seat letting it wash over me like a wave.

There is a brief intermission for people to go refill drinks, use the facilities and buy merchandise. One beer and a vary nice tshirt later I am back in my seat for the second half. The lights go down and the band comes out on stage. One of the band members steps up to the mic and addresses the crowd “Thank you for the warm welcome to austin… we all love playing concerts whenever possible… but this is a rock show! So get out of your seats and get up here by the stage! Fuck your seating! We want a sea of people!”

Dont have to tell me twice… up out of my seat and standing 6 feet from the stage right next to the speaker stack. Man am I glad I paid extra for floor seating.

By the time they had played the second encore I was was grinning like a madman and could barely speak from cheering and yelling.

What an amazing night!

Expectations vs. Reality

It’s nice when the two match up, but they rarely do. We view our surrounds through the filter of memory. Past experience tinting our expectations of reality. If your past experiences tell you the apple is a bannana you will swair till you are blue in the face that it’s not an apple. Even when presented with evidence to the contrary you may still insist that it is not what it is, possibly going so far as to invent a improbable story as to why you are right…. all to avoid admitting that you were wrong.

This kind of mindset is dangerous and destructive. It is bad enough in everyday life but it is worse in a bdsm context.

Quite a few domanents struggle with this. When a dom is in that headspace of being a dominant most find it difficult to admit that they were wrong about something. Admitting that you made a mistake or were wrong about an idea can make you feel foolish. No dom wants to feel like a fool. However.. knowing how destructive it can be to cling to something that is false… yah.. usually they end up looking like an even bigger fool than if they had just admitted they were wrong.

In my mind it is all in how you frame it. I have absolutely no problem admitting that I am wrong if shown evidence that contradicts my ideas. Why? Because I learned something. And that makes me smarter, stronger, and more in control.

Back to expectations.. we often build a mental image of what we hope a thing or person will be. And usually it is embellished and trimmed with all the perfect things we hope for…. wow…. talk about setting yourself up for disappointment. Especially when looking at a potential BDSM relationship, no matter how good the person may be if you are disappointed because they dont match the perfect vision in your head then you have already cut off a lot of the potential connection you could have had. And in BDSM, that connection is EVERYTHING. Enjoy people for who they are. For example: you may think you would only enjoy a dynamic with someone taller than you… and you are alone because the perfect partner is right in front of you and is 5′ 1″. Now if tall is your kink or fetish that’s different. I am only talking about what we “think” we want.

The best thing you can do is just focus on enjoying the journey. Keep an open mind and learn as you go. It’s ok and healthy to fantasize about what someone or something may be like…. just remember that it was just an enjoyable fantasy, then go enjoy learning what it is really like.

Best wishes -SirHanz

Haiku

Warm dog sleeping,

Deep doggy sigh of happy,

Chasing in dreams.

Teacup is empty,

Looking forlornly in cup,

I want more tea.

Streching sore muscles,

Leg cramps up mid stretch,

Son of a bitch!

Meeting for coffee,

Her eyes catch the light,

I am entranced.

Birdsong good morning,

Bury my head in the pillow,

Fuck off stupid bird.

She wants it to hurt,

Massocist girl tied up,

I give her nothing.

Ac not working,

Running low on elbow grease,

It’s cool to add more.

Morning

Morning dew sparkes as the blazing inferno creeps from behind the trees.

Cool morning air wraps around me like a cloak, brushing my cheek with a lover’s caress.

A deep breath sweeps away the dust of sleep, brass gears of thought once again turn in their ceaseless dance.

Looking down through the steam into the cup I see dark sapphires looking back.

Today my eyes are blue.

A bird sings… pure and crisp to greet the day.

Radiant warmth touches the chill of my skin, falling apon me like a golden robe of light.

The cup is empty…. and my work will not wait.

My perfect submissive

I have been asked a few times what I look for in a submissive, so I thought I would post it here so I can refer them to look at my blog for the answer and get more followers.

Muahahahaha!.. behold my evil plan for self promotion! (Have I mentioned how modest I am? Hmm… I will get back to you on that.)

All joking aside.. what I look for in a submissive is generally only 5 things.

1. Does she make me want to be a better man than I am now?

2. Does she inspire me?

3. Does she make me want to do naughty things to/with her?

4. Does she want me to do said naughty things to/with her.

5. Is she affectionate?

So there you have it. Simple right? Think again. This is a combination I find to be vary rare. I thought I had found it twice in my life. I was wrong. Someday maybe.. just maybe.. I will find her. Untill then I will continue down my path, learning and growing. Becoming the kind of man I would deem worthy of such devotion.

And if by chance I can help others to make less mistakes than I have it will be time well spent.

Best wishes -SirHanz

Fear

Fear is the mind killer…

The little death that brings total obliteration…

I will face my fear and let it pass through me…

Where it has gone there shall be nothing…

Only I will remain..

-Frank Hurbert

This one quote has gotten me through more tough situations than I can remember. Today I was thinking about fear..

Fear can be a tool, a weapon, or a poison.

It can warn us of danger, protect us, or cripple us.

For years my only mode of transportation was my motorcycle, inside my helmet I had written “pay attention or die” if ever there was a day when I didnt have a healthy fear of rideing then it was time to hang up my leathers for good. A healthy fear is based on the knowledge of danger. It keeps you alert and focused, so when the semi truck does not see you beside him on the overpass and decides to move over a lane you have that extra half second to gun the engine and get the hell out of the way. This is a rational fear, and is constructive.

Now we turn to the fear of the unknown. This one is baked into our very DNA. It is an evolutionary trait that has helped the human race survive. However, now that we are not hiding in a cave from the thing in the dark we must take a good hard look at our own fears and decide if we are ok with not learning or experiencing something because we dont understand it yet. Sometimes we can research, find more information and alleviate the fear. But other things must be experienced to be understood.

Lastly let’s talk about irrational fear. This is a big one. How do you explain irrational fear? It is by definition irrational! The answer is that irrational fear just doesn’t exist. There is ALWAYS a reason. Even if we dont know or understand why… the reason is there. Afraid of heights? Maybe you were tossed in the air as a child and it scared you enough that you now have a subconscious fear of falling. My point is that all fear comes from something. If this was not true then we would be born afraid of certain things… and we just aren’t.

So now that we understand fear a little better.. what do we do to control our fear? For that you need to just keep trying. It’s work. You keep trying different things until you find something that works. For me it was logic. But everyone is different, so what works for me probably isn’t the best choice for most others. Find what works for you.. and keep doing it. Do it so often that it becomes second nature and you dont even think about it anymore.

And then you wake up one day.. and the fear has passed through you.. and only you remain.

Best wishes -SirHanz