Death

Philosophers, religious scholars, scientists, poets and writers have debated endlessly about what happens to us when we die.

On this subject I can only speak for myself. I have studied many different religions and philosophies. And have come to a conclusion. For me, I cant understand something that profound on faith alone. Only through experience could I ever hope to understand.

Fortunately for me.. I have first hand experience. No.. I didnt attempt suicide or take a bunch of pills in a fit of depression. Nothing so dramatic as that.

I used to do a lot of mountain biking when I was going to college in Waco. There is a big park near the river with lots of great trails. It was there that I was going far too fast around a corner and slipped off the trail. I fell about 20 feet or so and hit my head… and died.

I was not completely dead. But medically I was. My heart stoped and I was not breathing. Fortunately a passerby saw it happen and performed CPR. But I didnt have a pulse and wasn’t breathing for about 6 minutes. And I cant tell you what I saw.. because come on.. dead.. no eyes. But I can describe how it felt and that there were things I understood.

Imagine yourself as a drop of rain. Below you is an ocean. You are born, and everything you are.. everything that makes you..you comes together out of the clouds and becomes a separate and unique singular thing. A raindrop. You fall from the cloud and through space. This is life. The interval in between when the parts that came together to make you from the cloud coalesce and when you join the ocean. Death is the ocean. You.. the you that fell. that was tiny and unique, blending with the sea. Your now the sea. Your no longer the individual that was only a small drop. You are the whole. The sum and parts of all lives.. but you always were. Then small bits of the sea evaporate and form clouds.. and once again.. rain. It is difficult to explain what I felt.. that analogy is the best I have been able to come up with.

I believe that we do not fear death itself. But we fear the loss of our individuality. And we do. Or not.. depending on how you look at it. Imagine you have always been the sea. If you dip out a droplet.. is it still the sea? Both yes and no.

After about 6 minutes my heart started to beat once again and I started to breathe. Another minute and I woke up. I was taken to the hospital a few minutes later and had a severe concussion but no brain bleeding. I spent a couple days under observation and when they were satisfied I wouldn’t die i was sent home.

I never told anyone. What good would it do to worry those that cared about me? I was ok and just wanted to get back to my life. And honestly at that time I was processing a lot of the trauma from my childhood and was not in a good headspace. Probably not makeing the best decisions ether.

One thing did change though. I have a rather unique perspective on death. I also have no fear of it. I dont seek it out or want to die, quite the opposite… I charish my life. But I feel like I understand. And through that understanding it no longer scares me.

I have a unique perspective on death. And through it also a unique perspective on life. I dont crave material things. Small things bring me joy. I am not concerned with wealth or power in society. I would much rather focus on being happy, wherever that leads me.

I chose to break my silence for two reasons. First… I am trying to be completely open about my life. And my beliefs.

Second… my uncle has cancer. It is no longer responding to drugs and they are going to start radiation. This will kill his bone marrow and if he survives the treatment he will need a transplant. From my mother. At her age this is not without risk. But she is the most wonderful person I know and would do it in a heartbeat. It may be just fine.. but if there are complications… i may lose them both.

It was time i told this story. I am for the first time telling my parents what happened all those years ago. In hope that my experience may bring them some comfort in this time of uncertainty and fear.

I am only relating my own personal experience. I have no wish or belief to say that what others believe about death is in any way false or untrue. I can only speek for myself. Take it for what it is, think for yourself. For all I know it may be different for everyone. Maybe my story will resonate with someone else out there maybe not. But it is mine.. I lived it. I died for it. And now I choose to share it.

Alive and kicking -SirHanz

Dear diary 2

Well… it’s Saturday.. the end of a long week. I saw a white crane yesterday at work. I am going to take it as a good sign.

It has been a week since I started my diet/exercise routine. Last night I had salad and some leftover pasta salad from the night before. I did crunches, pushups, and 10min on the elliptical with the difficulty set to max. Not much outward change yet but I can definitely feel that the muscles are tighter and a little more toned. Oh.. and my legs look great.. but they always have. 😆 this morning I took cookie for a jog. I think he enjoyed that quite a bit.

In other news my back injury is slowly getting better. I will probably not be back to lifting stumps or tossing bags of concrete for at least another week just to be safe but progress is a good sign.

I have been talking a lot with my wonderful muse. She is so amazing.. I love that she is probably smarter than I am. (And that’s really saying something) we challenge each other in different ways and I am enjoying the dance. (Note to self.. learn to dance in real life.) She is supportive of my creativity and stunningly beautiful. Who could ever want for more?

I have also discovered through our conversations a new aspect of myself. For the right woman.. with just the right personality.. I am a switch. *gasp* shocking! I know! I was and still am a bit unsure as I explore this new side of myself. I will make mistakes I have no doubt.. but I learn quickly. I have never had the desire to submit to anyone before. This is all new territory for me. At first I was unsure of what I was feeling.. It took me some time to wrap my head around it. But when I did.. I found that I liked it. I am slowly learning what it’s like on the other side of things.. finding out who I am and what I may enjoy as a submissive. You cant see it but I am shaking my head in amazement. Who would have thought.. after twenty some odd years of being a dominant..there would be a woman.. that would inspire feelings of submission in me. I am still feeling amazed at the thought. I cant wait to learn what and where this may take me. In some ways it is all things that I already know. But in the deeper ways of understanding that can only be gained through experience… I am innocent and nieave.

I must admit to being a bit frightened as well. Not of being a submissive sometimes, but of the possibility of losing this new connection and desire. I fear that should something happen and we part ways I may never again find someone who inspires these feelings in me. In 40 years.. I have found only one.. what are the chances of finding a second in my lifetime. So yes… I fear. But I also am full of hope. And as the two mix within me I am inspired in ways I have not been in a vary long time. If nothing else.. I can take comfort in that.

I also decided to repaint my bedroom. It needs it and it will help make the space more “mine” today is my rest day so I may or may not go get paint today but i definitely will tomorrow.

Best wishes -SirHanz

Salt.

Salt mist touched skin,

Tasting heat,

Along the pathway,

From collar to chin,

Teath drag furrows,

Across fields of delicious,

Sensation.

-SirHanz

Myers Briggs test

Took the personality test because I was curious. This is what it said.

ISFJ-A

The Defender personality type is quite unique, as many of their qualities defy the definition of their individual traits. Though sensitive, Defenders have excellent analytical abilities; though reserved, they have well-developed people skills and robust social relationships; and though they are generally a conservative type, Defenders are often receptive to change and new ideas. As with so many things, people with the Defender personality type are more than the sum of their parts, and it is the way they use these strengths that defines who they are.

Defenders are true altruists, meeting kindness with kindness-in-excess and engaging the work and people they believe in with enthusiasm and generosity.

There’s hardly a better type to make up such a large proportion of the population, nearly 13%. Combining the best of tradition and the desire to do good, Defenders are found in lines of work with a sense of history behind them, such as medicine, academics and charitable social work.

Defender personalities (especially Turbulent ones) are often meticulous to the point of perfectionism, and though they procrastinate, they can always be relied on to get the job done on time. Defenders take their responsibilities personally, consistently going above and beyond, doing everything they can to exceed expectations and delight others, at work and at home.

We Must Be Seen to Be Believed

The challenge for Defenders is ensuring that what they do is noticed. They have a tendency to underplay their accomplishments, and while their kindness is often respected, more cynical and selfish people are likely to take advantage of Defenders’ dedication and humbleness by pushing work onto them and then taking the credit. Defenders need to know when to say no and stand up for themselves if they are to maintain their confidence and enthusiasm.

Naturally social, an odd quality for Introverts, Defenders utilize excellent memories not to retain data and trivia, but to remember people, and details about their lives. When it comes to gift-giving, Defenders have no equal, using their imagination and natural sensitivity to express their generosity in ways that touch the hearts of their recipients. While this is certainly true of their coworkers, whom people with the Defender personality type often consider their personal friends, it is in family that their expressions of affection fully bloom.

If I Can Protect You, I Will

Defender personalities are a wonderful group, rarely sitting idle while a worthy cause remains unfinished. Defenders’ ability to connect with others on an intimate level is unrivaled among Introverts, and the joy they experience in using those connections to maintain a supportive, happy family is a gift for everyone involved. They may never be truly comfortable in the spotlight, and may feel guilty taking due credit for team efforts, but if they can ensure that their efforts are recognized, Defenders are likely to feel a level of satisfaction in what they do that many other personality types can only dream of.

Strengths & Weaknesses

  • Supportive – Defenders are the universal helpers, sharing their knowledge, experience, time and energy with anyone who needs it, and all the more so with friends and family. People with this personality type strive for win-win situations, choosing empathy over judgment whenever possible.
  • Reliable and Patient – Rather than offering sporadic, excited rushes that leave things half finished, Defenders are meticulous and careful, taking a steady approach and bending with the needs of the situation just enough to accomplish their end goals. Defenders not only ensure that things are done to the highest standard, but often go well beyond what is required.
  • Imaginative and Observant – Defenders are very imaginative, and use this quality as an accessory to empathy, observing others’ emotional states and seeing things from their perspective. With their feet firmly planted on the ground, it is a very practical imagination, though they do find things quite fascinating and inspiring.
  • Enthusiastic – When the goal is right, Defenders take all this support, reliability and imagination and apply it to something they believe will make a difference in people’s lives – whether fighting poverty with a global initiative or simply making a customer’s day.
  • Loyal and Hard-Working – Given a little time, this enthusiasm grows into loyalty – Defender personalities often form an emotional attachment to the ideas and organizations they’ve dedicated themselves to. Anything short of meeting their obligations with good, hard work fails their own expectations.
  • Good Practical Skills – The best part is, Defenders have the practical sense to actually do something with all this altruism. If mundane, routine tasks are what need to be done, Defenders can see the beauty and harmony that they create, because they know that it helps them to care for their friends, family, and anyone else who needs it.

Defender Weaknesses

  • Humble and Shy – The meek shall inherit the earth, but it’s a long road if they receive no recognition at all. This is possibly Defenders’ biggest challenge, as they are so concerned with others’ feelings that they refuse to make their thoughts known, or to take any duly earned credit for their contributions. Defenders’ standards for themselves are also so high that, knowing they could have done some minor aspect of a task better, they often downplay their successes entirely.
  • Take Things Too Personally – Defenders have trouble separating personal and impersonal situations – any situation is still an interaction between two people, after all – and any negativity from conflict or criticism can carry over from their professional to their personal lives, and back again.
  • Repress Their Feelings – People with the Defender personality type are private and very sensitive, internalizing their feelings a great deal. Much in the way that Defenders protect others’ feelings, they must protect their own, and this lack of healthy emotional expression can lead to a lot of stress and frustration.
  • Overload Themselves – Their strong senses of duty and perfectionism combine with this aversion to emotional conflict to create a situation where it is far too easy for Defenders to overload themselves – or to be overloaded by others – as they struggle silently to meet everyone’s expectations, especially their own.
  • Reluctant to Change – These challenges can be particularly hard to address since Defender personalities value traditions and history highly in their decisions. A situation sometimes needs to reach a breaking point before Defenders are persuaded by circumstance, or the strong personality of a loved one, to alter course.
  • Too Altruistic – This is all compounded and reinforced by Defenders’ otherwise wonderful quality of altruism. Being such warm, good-natured people, Defenders are willing to let things slide, to believe that things will get better soon, to not burden others by accepting their offers of help, while their troubles mount unassisted.

Romantic Relationships

When it comes to romantic relationships, Defenders’ kindness grows into a joy that is only found in taking care of their family and home, in being there for emotional and practical support whenever it’s needed. Home is where the heart is for people with the Defender personality type, and in no other area of their lives do they strive with such dedication to create the harmony and beauty they wish to see in the world.

The trouble is, these are the benefits of an established long-term relationship, and Defenders’ unbearable shyness means it can take a long time to reach this point. Defenders are most attractive when they are simply being themselves in a comfortable environment such as work, where their natural flow shows this kindness and dedication. Relationships built on established familiarity are a warm prospect for Defenders – they take dating seriously and only enter into relationships that have a real chance of lasting a lifetime.

Our Upward Course Is Due to Our Soundness of Heart

Defenders’ shyness and sensitivity shield what are, beneath the surface, incredibly strong feelings. While not always obvious to others, this river of emotion can’t be taken lightly or for granted – Defender personalities can value the idea of committed romance almost as highly as some regard religious beliefs. Hard as it may be, if either dating partner doubts their feelings, they must part ways before real emotional damage is done.

As their relationships do progress, Defenders often continue to struggle with emotional expression, but they have the opportunity to let physical affection stand in for their loving words. People with this personality type take no greater joy than in pleasing others, often even considering this a personal duty, and this applies to intimacy as well. While dutiful sex may not sound especially attractive in those specific terms, intimacy is tremendously important to Defenders, and they spare no effort in this department.

Nor is the pleasure they take in ensuring their partners’ happiness limited to the bedroom – Defenders spend an enormous amount of time and energy finding ways to keep their relationship satisfying for their partners. All they ask in return is commitment, love and, perhaps most of all, appreciation.

Like All the Best Families, We Have Our Disagreements…

However, not everyone is prepared to pay even that small price for the benefit of Defenders’ kindness. If their partners aren’t willing or able to express this thanks, or worse still are openly critical of their Defender partners, they will find that, given time and pressure, all of those repressed emotions can burst forth in massive verbal attacks that all the future regret in the world won’t blunt.

These outbursts are something to watch out for, but the more pervasive issue in Defenders’ relationships is that it can be too easy for their altruism and kindness to be taken advantage of, maybe even without their partners realizing it, while leaving Defenders’ own needs and dreams unfulfilled. This is something that Defenders’ partners, and Defender personalities themselves, must look after if they want the sort of long, fulfilling relationships they dream about. Expressing appreciation is often more than just the right words, it is reciprocation.

If these couples can manage this balance of mutual appreciation and goal-setting, they will come to find that the best Defender qualities emerge later in the relationship, as they work towards establishing families and homes together.

While perfectly capable in the workplace and among friends, Defenders’ true passions lie in taking care of their families, from playing with their children to the mundane needs of the household, efforts Defenders are only too happy to contribute.

Defenders are trustworthy, loyal, loving and faithful and nothing brings them more joy than the commitment of an appreciative and thriving relationship. The best matches are those who share these sensibilities, namely those who share the Observant (S) trait, with one or two opposing traits to ensure that both partners have room to grow, develop and help each other along, ’til the end of their days.

Friendships

Given how generous Defenders are with their warm praise and support, it’s not surprising that others enjoy their company enough to call them friends. The challenge is to be considered a friend back – people with the Defender personality type are shy and a little protective of themselves, but they also need to be able to connect on a deeper emotional level. It makes sense then that most of Defenders’ friends are made not by random encounters on a wild night out, but through comfortable and consistent contact, as in class or in the workplace where they have the time to get to know each other little by little.

A lot of what establishes and deepens Defenders’ friendships is the mutual support, advice and reassurance that the friends give each other.

Defenders need a lot of positive feedback, and admitting this need certainly shows vulnerability, but if that vulnerability is well handled, it creates the deep bonds that Defender personalities look for. If badly handled or not reciprocated, it’s hard to see the burgeoning friendship surviving without quite a bit of extra effort.

Yet, as their friendships develop, Defenders’ sense of loyalty may push0 them to lean ever more on themselves to meet their friends’ needs, to the point of neglecting their own. Defenders show this in a few ways, from going clearly out of their ways to stick to even trivial commitments, to simply not wanting to disagree or say no for fear of causing turbulence. More cynical types would call this naïve, and may even take advantage of Defenders’ altruism – but these are hardly the type of people who could be called “friends”, and they have no business being discussed here.

To What Greater Inspiration and Counsel Can We Turn?

The real friends, those close inner circles, are the ones Defenders truly cherish for their quality of character and quality of discussion. Defenders aren’t particularly picky about what personality types they make friends with, at least not initially, but because they prefer so strongly to avoid conflict and miscommunication, most of their friends are likely to end up being fairly similar personalities.

Parenthood

Defenders’ warmth and care make parenting something that often comes naturally to them. Many people with this personality type feel like parenting is the task they were born for, taking no small pleasure in the sense of personal importance and responsibility they feel in ensuring that their children grow up to be healthy, confident and successful. At the same time, Defenders are anything but arrogant, and will hardly take their natural skill in this department for granted.

From the start, Defenders’ altruism is apparent in their approach towards their children, ensuring that they have a safe, stable environment filled with love, care and support. In their children’s younger years, Defenders’ patience comes in very handy as well, as their children learn to become more independent and self-deterministic, testing any limit they can find.

Seeing the World in Its True Light

It is this transition though, from the utter dependence of infants, to the insatiable exploration of toddlers and young children, to the rejection of authority of adolescents that Defenders are taken by surprise.

Very traditional personality types, Defenders accept historic standards, with clearly defined roles as parents and children. They view their role, and often rightly so, as the imparter of their own wisdom and values, ensuring that their children understand the importance of dedication and responsibility.

What many Defender parents may not realize is that more independent children often reject the seemingly overbearing love and support that make Defender personalities such wonderful parental figures. They wish to determine their own values and make their own choices, and Defenders’ good intentions can make them feel like every aspect of their lives is sealed off and controlled. All the while, Defender parents must ensure that more dependent children, who are willing to lean on all of this care and support rather than rebel against it, do not take these admirable qualities for granted, neglecting their own independence entirely.

Do Right, Even if We Suffer in so Doing

Defenders are uncomfortable when their children don’t behave as expected, and oftentimes more insightful children see, and sometimes exploit, this potential weakness with tantrums and mind games. It takes a strong will for Defenders to put their foot down and teach clear and reasonable boundaries and values, while at the same time affording their children the freedom to grow and develop on their own.

Parenting is not easy for any personality type, not if they’re doing it right, but Defenders do have the advantage of not just being caring, but being thoughtful and responsible in how they administer that care. Often seen as ideal parents, people with the Defender personality type are able to be there for their children, but to also know that there’s more to people than meets the eye, and to respect those differences – if not always to understand them.

Conclusion

Few personality types are as practical and dedicated as Defenders. Known for their reliability and altruism, Defenders are good at creating and maintaining a secure and stable environment for themselves and their loved ones. Defenders’ dedication is invaluable in many areas, including their own personal growth.

Yet Defenders can be easily tripped up in areas where their kindness and practical approach are more of a liability than an asset. Whether it is finding (or keeping) a partner, learning to relax or improvise, reaching dazzling heights on the career ladder, or managing their workload, Defenders need to put in a conscious effort to develop their weaker traits and additional skills.

What you have read so far is just an introduction into the complex concept that is the Defender personality type. You may have muttered to yourself, “wow, this is so accurate it’s a little creepy” or “finally, someone understands me!” You may have even asked “how do they know more about me than the people I’m closest to?”

This is not a trick. You felt understood because you were. We’ve studied how Defenders think and what they need to reach their full potential. And no, we did not spy on you – many of the challenges you’ve faced and will face in the future have been overcome by other Defenders. You simply need to learn how they succeeded.

But in order to do that, you need to have a plan, a personal roadmap. The best car in the world will not take you to the right place if you do not know where you want to go. We have told you how Defenders tend to behave in certain circumstances and what their key strengths and weaknesses are. Now we need to go much deeper into your personality type and answer “why?”, “how?” and “what if?”

This knowledge is only the beginning of a lifelong journey. Are you ready to learn why Defenders act in the way they do? What motivates and inspires you? What you are afraid of and what you secretly dream about? How you can unlock your true, exceptional potential?

Our premium profiles provide a roadmap towards a happier, more successful, and more versatile YOU! They are not for everyone though – you need to be willing and able to challenge yourself, to go beyond the obvious, to imagine and follow your own path instead of just going with the flow. If you want to take the reins into your own hands, we are here to help you.

Diet day 3.. ish.

Why must beer taste better when your abs are sore? I swear it does. Had stir fry last night and a soda but I took cookie for a late night run so hopefully that will burn the soda calories. Fuck this beer tastes good. Hmm.. I wonder if one of the local breweries would sponsor my blog if I had enough followers.. what do you think? Should I be a shill for free beer? Do drunk crunches all day and dom by night?… naw… but it was a fun thought. Although… if it were a salsa company I would have trouble saying no.. just putting it out there.. you read me Mark’s good stuff salsa? The salsa that is the most amazing thing on the shelf. And good ole Pace.. I cant forget you.. you are a meal in a jar. 🤠

Ok ok.. back to diet. I usually dont eat breakfast anyways (a cup of tea does me just fine) had a salad for lunch. (Small salad because the damm grocery store put all the brown and wilted lettuce in the center and covered it with the nice looking leaves). And now I am haveing a quarter of a bag of salsa verde chips (not portioning, that was all that was left in the bag). Have yet to decide what I am doing for dinner but there is a frozen pizza in the freezer that has curves in all the right places… but I must resist! Why must the beer taste so good? Why? Hmm.. maybe a good night for tacos.. who am I kidding.. its always a good night for tacos.

Best wishes -SirHanz

Running with monster.

Dog barking.. huh?..what?..

Eyes open, damm that mutt..

Fine fine.. I will take you out..

Just keep it down, no need to shout…

On goes the leash, out the door..

Plenty of grass, why’d you pee on the mower?..

Time to run, my little buddy and me..

Stoping again? You still have to pee??..

The breeze is cool as we take our lap..

Stop and sniff.. of course.. now you have to crap…

Time to run, up the big hill..

He looks so cute with his fuzz all flying..

Back at the house, man.. my legs kill…

What? Now you want food? Come on little buddy… I’m buying.

Best wishes -SirHanz

Single life.

I remember a time when I was good at being single. Wow that was a long time ago.. now? I have no idea what I should be doing besides maybe fixing up my house a little and reorganizing my closet. Sad huh? Should I get some new clothes? Should I go out more? God I hope not.. I really dont like to go out unless I have a reason to. Go out and meet people they say.. *facepalm* I wasn’t good at that when I was 20 why would I be better at 40? Shure.. I am a lot more secure with who I am and confident now.. but I also know most people dont want to be approached by some random stranger. And makeing someone uncomfortable is not a good way to get a date. Clubs are out.. if for no other reason than I would have to drive downtown and unless i know for a fact i am going to meet someone it doesn’t seem worth the aggravation. Oh.. and downtown smells like a bathroom. Soo.. pass. So that leaves what.. bars? I dont drink if I am driving, so unless I have a driver that’s out. Gym? Who likes getting hit on at the gym? Nope. That reminds me.. should I work out more? Or try to lose weight? (I’m not chunky just a tiny bit of a belly) yah.. typing that made me think I should do both. *sigh* hello salad goodbye pizza.

Oh well.. I am trying not to worry too much about it. In the mean time I am adjusting to being single again. It feels weird.. I have basically been a caretaker for the last 5 years and suddenly being able to stop doing that has left me wondering what to do with myself. I know what I want, (I think.. I am always open to whatever life may send my way) just not how to find it. I am not deluded enough to expect to find someone right away.. but a place to start is what I am trying to find.

On the bright side I am sleeping better, sleeping next to someone who doesn’t want to be touched (not talking sexually.. but like anything at all..) is bordering on overwhelming insanity for someone who craves touch like I do. So while sleeping alone sucks.. it’s better than that.

Oh.. and I have more closet space now. I can finally organize my summer and winter clothes.

Hmm.. do I need to buy a suit?

Best wishes -SirHanz

Q&A the questions

I love good questions. I dont pretend to have all the answers but even if I am stumped I usually learn something along the way. So I thought I would put it to you, the reader to ask me some questions. No restrictions on topic or personal boundaries. Ask anything. I will do my best to answer and in the process maybe get to know my readers a little better. I will give a week or untill there are 25 questions. Leave your question in the comments or send via the email on my site. 😁 this should be fun, cant wait to see what interests you.

Heart of glass

I have always said I have a heart of glass..

Beautiful to hold, the rays of dawn scatter shining rainbows of light from your hands.

But cast it away… and it shatters.

I pick up the peaces, slowly putting it back together again. It’s never the same though. You never quite find all the pieces. A chip here.. a crack that doesn’t quite fit there..

It is still beautiful, maybe even more than when it was perfect. But it isn’t whole.

Each time it is cast away and broken.. the peaces fit back together a little less.. there are more cracks. It is no less shiny and the cracks make more rainbows than ever… but hold it carefully while we look for more broken pieces. There are edges that may cut your hand. Who would want such a damaged thing.. who would press it to their chest to keep it safe.. regardless of how sharp the edges are..

Not many I fear.. for there are less broken.. softer hearts..

Used… one heart of glass… free from original owner. Fragile, do not drop.