Heart of glass

I have always said I have a heart of glass..

Beautiful to hold, the rays of dawn scatter shining rainbows of light from your hands.

But cast it away… and it shatters.

I pick up the peaces, slowly putting it back together again. It’s never the same though. You never quite find all the pieces. A chip here.. a crack that doesn’t quite fit there..

It is still beautiful, maybe even more than when it was perfect. But it isn’t whole.

Each time it is cast away and broken.. the peaces fit back together a little less.. there are more cracks. It is no less shiny and the cracks make more rainbows than ever… but hold it carefully while we look for more broken pieces. There are edges that may cut your hand. Who would want such a damaged thing.. who would press it to their chest to keep it safe.. regardless of how sharp the edges are..

Not many I fear.. for there are less broken.. softer hearts..

Used… one heart of glass… free from original owner. Fragile, do not drop.

Implosion

Today S imploded. Apparently the guilt of haveing me take care of her and get almost nothing in return was eating her up inside… and today it all came out. She said she is leaving me.

She said it’s not fair for me to be trying to find a good happy relationship while still haveing to take care of her. And I couldn’t disagree. But it’s more than that.. I am worried to death about her. Where will she go? What will she do? She said she wants to leave the house by the end of the week. But she has no where to go… I dont want this for her. I wanted to give her a chance to get better.. to be happy.. but she is determined. I hope I can convince her to stay long enough to at least come up with some kind of plan…… I am a wreck right now. It’s all too much.. to fast.. i want to cry but i am too much in shock i think. I just needed to get it out.. so here it is.. welcome to my own personal hell. Haveing to watch someone i care about and love implode their life for my benefit. Thanks…. just what I wanted.. for ANOTHER woman to leave me because I am “too good”.

I need a drink.

Edit… just managed to talk her into waiting a week before makeing any decisions about leaving the house. Hopefully that will give her time to think through the implications and make a more rational choice. *sigh* still need that drink.. I feel like hell.

A good talk.

Last night I had a good talk with S. she told me that she understood that due to her mental and physical health that she was unable to give me what I need in any kind of relationship. (Physical contact, a feeling of connection, a feeling of being cared for and loved) She said that she understood the sacrifice of caring for her but that she wanted me to be happy and feel loved. she knows that she cant give me that, not now and maybe not ever again. She encouraged me to find someone that would make me happy and that I could have that kind of connection with. She understood that her liveing with me complicates my haveing a relationship with someone else and she was apologetic about it. It was nice to feel validated and listened to. We still care about each other but I need to be happy again. It has been too long. haveing her give me that and saying she wants me to find that happiness again with someone else felt so liberating.

We talked for hours and realized that we both still loved each other but that was not enough. She needed space and time alone. She is going to work on getting help but thinks that it is unfair for me to be unhappy for who knows how long. We decided that we would not completely split up but that we would have an open relationship where I am able to see other people and find the kind of woman that could love me in the ways I need to be happy. And if they want we may turn it into some kind of poly dynamic. (Which may actually work because there would be no jealousy over physical affection, because S is not capable of giving me that.) Or depending on the wishes of whomever I meet we may just keep that relationship separate from what I have with S. It will depend a lot on the wishes of whomever I find of course. I dont want to put someone into a position where they feel uncomfortable, that kind of relationship would never last.

So there it is.. apparently I am looking for a unicorn. But at least I have hope. The day feels a little brighter (or maybe that’s just the sun trying to kill me) and I feel good for the first time in a long.. long.. time. I may never find my unicorn, but at least I dont feel any guilt anymore. And who knows.. there may just be someone out there who can accept me for who I am and show me what it feels like to be loved once more.

Thank you sunflower, you inspired me to be free.

Best wishes -SirHanz

To Approach or to be Approached

A thought struck me as I was in the shower this morning. Part of the problem when looking for a submissive or dominant is the approach.

When looking for a dominant or a submissive it varies wildly person to person if they prefer to approach a potential partner or if they would rather be approached. There are good arguments for both on the sub and dom sides.

From the sub side, waiting for a dom to approach you makes you feel submissive as the dom is in control of if and when they choose to speak to you. On the other side though… you are forcing a dom to come to you if they want to talk. Is that submissive? Shouldn’t you be the one to approach the dom and offer conversation? This gives the dom the power to accept or decide without being forced to come to you.

See? Good arguments for both.

From the dom side, approaching a potential partner let’s you feel in control and shows them you are confident. On the other side… waiting to be approached shows you are comfortable with who you are and a potential partner needs to show that they are interested in submitting to you before you consider that.

Different styles for different doms.

I myself find that I prefer a sub to be the one to approach me. It shows interest and a willingness to serve before the first word is said. Some think of this as acting aloof, but to me if a submissive is not willing to pluck up their courage and talk to me then they probably are a passive not an active submissive and that’s not what I am looking for.

What about you? Where do you fall on this spectrum? I am curious to know what side your on and your reasons behind it.

Best wishes -SirHanz

DomDrop

This is more common than most doms would like to admit. And it can be just as devastating as subdrop. The difference being most doms deal with it themselves because they dont want to burden or show weakness to their sub. If the dom drops quite a bit and the sub is unaware of the warning signs this can be catastrophic for their dynamic.

When a dominant drops they can experience feelings of failure, inadequacy, frustration, depression, and fear. During a drop they will often seem agitated, angry, or saddened for no apparent reason. They may lash out at those around them (agression to cover up the feelings they dont want to have). Or they may retreat from contact or conversation. (Any additional warning signs that you may know would be appreciated in the comments)

Now for the hard part… you have identified that your dom is dropping… what do you do?

This is a difficult one because it varies so much between doms what they need when they are dropping. The best thing to do is talk to your dom beforehand and find out what they would like you to do if you notice them dropping. For most there are a few things that help. Contact.. depending on your dynamic that may mean different things, a hand on their leg… kneeling with cheek pressed agenst their thigh.. massaging their shoulders… it can take many different forms.

The second is the willingness to brake a rule or protocol even if it means getting punished in order to show them your devotion. If they want you to leave.. dont. If they lash out at you.. tell them lashing out is not ok but you will accept it from them as proof of your devotion. These are just examples, you will have to decide what is the best way to help your dom yourself.

The third is sometimes an option sometimes not. You can reach out to another dom that understands dom drop and ask them to talk them through it. Keep in mind you are vary likely to be punished for doing this. Depending on your dominant possibly severely. They will often view it as a breach of trust, especially when they are in the middle of dropping and not thinking straight. So be prepared for that.

Here are some things to say to a dom that is dropping that may help.

I am ok.

I love you.

Thank you.

I am not hurt.

You are amazing.

I enjoyed our play.

Would you like me to clean up?

I am always here for you.

Dominants need aftercare too. We put a lot of time, effort, and thought into being good doms. This can be exhausting. Part of the reason you serve is to lessen the other burdens that they carry so that they can be better dominants to you.

Hope this helps someone out there.

Best wishes -SirHanz

The Phoenix Heart

Born of a glowing enber..

Writhing and twisting in the flame of life…

In love.. incandescent…

Then burned to ash as love dies…

Leavening but an ember..

Again it rises..

Illuminating the world in beauty..

And again… death… and ash…

A tiny flicker again finds hope..

Raising its head once more…

It sings its song of warmth and love..

Bereft of an answering song…

In sadness… again grows cold..

And again is not but ash and ember..

The spark burns my flesh as the flame did not…

And so with a heavy heart..

I put out the light..

Passive vs. Active submission

Most dominants have a type. I am not talking about redhead vs. Brunette or skinny vs. Plump. I am talking about mindset. I have found that almost all forms of submission fall into the active or passive categories, and most dominants prefer one or the other.

If you are a submissive, think about this scenario… your dominants birthday is coming up. How do you think about what may happen?

Do you look forward to it hopeing he/she will do something special with you? Or do you ask permission to plan a special birthday dinner, date, scene… ext…

That’s the difference between active and passive. Passive submission is only acting or doing something to please your dominant when instructed to do so. Active submission is knowing your dominant well enough to anticipate their wants, needs and desires and acting to please them without haveing to be told. There is no right or wrong here. They are just different. I myself prefer a submissive that actively submits. I find the thought of them putting time and effort into finding new and exciting ways to please me both erotic and inspiring. Kind of like the difference between a handmade gift and something bought at the store because I told them I wanted it. While I would enjoy that nice new crop I saw in the window, if a sub was to MAKE me a crop…. see what I am getting at? I feel like the level of understanding and connection that comes with active submission is much more my style. There are plenty of dominants that prefer a more passive submission though.

If you are a dominant, think about this scenario… would you rather order your submissive to cook you breakfast naked while wearing a wireless rotor. Or would you rather wake up to the sounds of cooking with the remote next to your pillow, push the button and hear a Yelp and moan from the kitchen.

Passive or active? What is your type?

Best wishes -SirHanz

The Stowick

This morning I was thinking about how I tend to ignore injury. This is great for getting work done, (unless your bleeding.. then its annoying to get blood on whatever your working on) but not giving yourself time to recover is a problem.

For me I think it started with my ribs. I had 2 of my lower ribs broken on the left side during sword training. I learned quickly to ignore the pain. Now I find that lesser injuries barely bother me. Oh shure.. I complain.. then I ignore them and get shit done. Not exactly conducive to good healing.

And that made me think about recovery time. This is something we all need, whether it be time to heal… quiet time to think.. or self care time. We all need this and allowing not only yourself but you partner the time they need to recover is an important facet of the lifestyle. I know I am guilty as sin of pushing myself when I probably shouldn’t. I think a lot of us are, both dom and sub. So talk to your partner. Let them know when you need to recover. And if you are asked for that time give it with a glad heart knowing that they are takeing that time so they will be better for you.

Making it Work

Daily life is complicated, frustrating, and sometimes downright exhausting. Our lives are full and often keep us vary busy. Often we have achieved a delicate balance between getting all the things we need to do done and getting enough rest. Now throw a few monkeys in the gears, headaches from allergies, the occasional 13 hour work day, bouts of insomnia, and you have the makings of real life. And then you meet someone, someone special that wants the same things you do. And now you try to balance all of that with a personal connection. Not enough hours in the day. So what to do?

Sacrifice. What will you give to have the one your heart is set on. Would you work less? Is that even an option? Even if that would mean less resources to woo your paramore.

Would you give up sleep? This is often the choice many make. Some can handle it and some cant. For those that cant the results can be incredibly destabilizing to their life. Lower job performance can cause loss of wages. Lower energy can be a turn off for the one you are trying to woo.

What else could you give?

Health.

You push yourself beyond your limits to do everything. This can be maintained for only a short time. Then you burn. Either physically or mentally you crash and are crushed under the weight of your self imposed responsibilities. You get sick, or injured because you are too tired to take care of yourself properly.

But SirHanz?… what is a dom or sub to do? Is there a way to make it work?

Yup. And it’s simple.

Communicate. Talk with your partner. Tell them your wants and personal limitations. They will either be happy you did and care for you more because of it or they will leave and though it may hurt you will be way better off without someone who wants you to kill yourself slowly for them.