Gray sky

As I sit today and contemplate my life.. my past.. my future.. I stare up at the gray clouded sky and it today seems like a mirror. I have never been the dark.. or the light. But always something in between. People are always looking for one or the other it seems. A bad boy… a good man.. but almost never a gentle heart with a naughty mind. Though.. I may be just dence and dont see it.
I am also at fault for hiding myself through much of my life. Not literally.. but hiding my true self. I have my reasons, and they are valid I believe. But it makes most interactions with people feel a little off. They see only what I show them, not who I really am. And even if I told them all about me most could never really understand. So I wear the mask, both as protection for myself and to make it easy for others to interact with the me they see.
And then something happens… I meet someone.. someone who does understand. And I am lost. Imagine going through your life.. year after year.. able to talk and sing.. in a world full of mutes. No one talks.. no one sings.. and you have to pretend to be mute to be accepted by the world.
Then you hear a voice, singing in the darkness. You follow the sound and find someone incredibly beautiful… you free your voice and speak without the mask. The connection is instant. They are kind.. brilliant.. and share so much in common it’s scary. Could you not fall for them? With the potential to be able to share so much of yourself that you have kept hidden.. could you not love them? Knowing the pain they have suffered… could you not want to embrace them and do whatever you could to ease their burden and make them happy?
I ask myself if this is the weaving of fate.. or simply luck.. I know not. But whatever it is… it is real. At least to me. I dont know what the future holds for me. But I know this tarnished mask grows heavy with age. And some days.. the gray days that portend cold rain… all I want is to let it fall and damm the consequences. But I can not… the price is too high. But one day.. one day i know, it will be too heavy. And on that day.. I will be free. Or i will burn. I have time yet.. maybe years, i hope i can live them well. And maybe.. if i am just lucky enough.. spend them with someone who can hear me sing.
For now i look forward along the misty path, it is narrow and there are many temptations to lure me from it into the dark. But strength still remains in me and while it does i shall not falter. So i work.. and rest when i am too weary to continue, i learn and look within to make myself a little better each day. And I hope to one day no longer be the gray sky that fills me with longing and wistful desire for that which is beyond my reach. I hope to be the light.

Best wishes -SirHanz

Not Perfect by a long shot.

So for anyone who was wondering… “there has got to be something wrong with that guy”

I can tell you that you are definitely correct.

The biggest thing is probably this…

I cant remember numbers.

Dead serious. 3 to 5 min and they are gone.

With enough repetition I can remember a few things.. the year I was born… my birthday.. the last four digits of my ssn. And some others.

It took me 5 years to learn my new phone #. And I still dont know my own address. Oh I know the street names.. but not the numbers.

I keep the most important numbers written on cards in my wallet.

When I was first entering school as a child my parents were really worried by this. They thought I might be “slow” so they did the responsible thing and got my IQ tested. The result surprised them.

I am an idiot savant.

The part of my brain that deals with remembering numbers does not work right.

But problem solving and pattern recognition is vary high. And I remember color perfectly. I’m not talking about remembering that the car that just drove past was blue.. I’m talking about knowing exactly what shade of blue it was.

As I grew other things started to show…

My sister decided to join the school band and picked the flute to play. She brought it home and was trying to practice but the poor girl could barely get a note from the instrument. So I asked if I could try it.. and I played. It was easy.. no thoughts required. I thought of the sound I wanted and just played it. I had discovered something new. As for my sister.. she was crushed, the poor girl. She did eventually learn to play. But she had a leg up on me once she did. Near photographic memory. She looks at the music sheet once and she can play the song anytime. Me? I never learned how to read music. I can only play by ear.

And as I have aged I have discovered a few more little things like that but they are few and I never really developed any of them. Maybe that is another flaw?

But wait! There’s more!

Proactive laziness.

No… I dont go out of my way to be lazy.

I work crazy hard so I will have more time to be lazy. People are always telling me “wow! You got that done fast! You’re such a hard worker!” And I am thinking “yah.. now I can sit down and chill for a while ” I make a mental list of things I need to get done and then work hard to get them all done in the most efficient way I can. Want to annoy me? Add more things to my list after I think I am done. Yah….. that will grind on me good because I am already tired and now your cutting into my relaxing time. Soooo flaw?

Another? You mean there’s more? Yup.

I am too nice.

Wait you say.. that’s not a flaw…

Really? Let’s see… I have been hurt a lot because I tend to overlook my own wellbeing to help others.

People try to take advantage of me because they equate “nice” with “soft” or “easy target ” I am not. But it is annoying to have to sort through people to figure out what they really want from me.

Aaaannnd that creates trust issues.

Combine that with being emotionally destroyed in the past and yah… trust takes time with me.

Well.. now you know the big ones.

The little flaws I am working on whenever I find them. Because I am a curious guy I have learned a LOT of things in my life and as a consequence tend to try to help by explaining things to others. Often they are annoyed because they wanted to figure it out for themselves. I am trying to cut back on that.

I guess that’s enough self reflection for now.

It’s ok to be imperfect, it’s not ok to stop trying to be better.

Best wishes -SirHanz

I am

If I was asked to define who and what I am in one word it would be this.

Dichotomy

I am dichotomy.

I am kind.
I am strict.

I am strong.
I am vulnerable.

I heal fast.
I have lots of scars.

I heal slow.
I have wounds you cant see.

I crave affection.
I control my emotions.

I am curious.
I am laid back.

I am an artist.
I no longer paint.

I am a musician.
I no longer play.

I am adventurous.
I dont go out much.

I am bold.
I am afraid.

I am funny.
I am serious.

I am happy.
I am broken.

I am a lover of beauty.
I am not beautiful.

I have shown mercy.
I have asked for none.

I work myself to the ends of endurance.
I am lazy.

I am dense as a brick
I enjoy the subtle.

I am intelligent.
I am an idiot.

I am imperfect.
I am perfect for someone.

I am all of this.

I am dichotomy.