The path of Knowledge

It looks inviting and easy at a glance, this open road of opportunity..

Calm and flat, the path is clear at the start…

Then upward it climbs, steeper and narrower..

It forks and twists, which path is right? Which path not taken held jewels and gold..

Ever forward, through the brambles and thorns, upward beyond sight it stretches before you..

When legs falter you use a crutch, when the crutch brakes you crawl..

And then there is light, and rest…

Exhausted you lay in the meadow at the end of the path..

Each step now carved apon your skin..

The sun is warm, the air cool…

You pick yourself up, and now choose to make a way forward where there was none…

Knowing others will follow, and it is for them that you make the path..

Just as the path was made for you.


Best wishes to everyone and thanks for takeing the time to read. -SirHanz

A Difficult father’s day.

Sigh… where to begin..

Fathers day is difficult for me. In my current relationship (if you can even call it that anymore) I did the best that anyone possibly could have to help raise a stepdaughter. She never really saw me as a father and was manipulative and abusive toward her mother. And before anyone asks, yes… she was in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist. She was diagnosed with O.D.D. oppositional defiance disorder. She would steal, lie and play victim for attention. She would manipulate people who didnt know her that well into giving her things she wanted by telling them made up stories about how bad her home life was. We had child protective services call on us half a dozen times, and even though we had been cleared as good parents many times they still had to investigate each new claim by law. This was another way for her to put more stress and pressure on her mother. Imagine haveing to explain all this to EVERYONE your daughter comes into contact with. Teachers, bus drivers, counselors, nurses, police officers… the list is endless.

And before all that… years before… there is another story to be told.

Gather round the campfire ladies and gentlemen.. today I will tell a story.

This is a rare kind of story. Not rare in the content, but rare in that only 4 other people know it. And now I tell the world.

Before I start know that I do not tell this tale to beg sympathy or condolence. This is catharsis, just a story I feel it is time I let go of and tell.

And so we begin….

Long ago.. when I was still a young man I met a girl. I had not been a dom for more than a year at the time i met her. She was the same age as me.. beautiful… and a sub. Well foaks.. you may think you know where this is going… but you are only half right.

We started seeing each other… playing.. and like young men are oft to do… i fell in love.

We were together night and day. And eventually got an appartment together. She was moody.. and bratty.. and i loved her fiercely.

We lived this way for a year, jobs came and went.. I worked hard to try to be the best of me… for her.

And then the fateful day came.. she was late.. and the test was positive. At first I was in shock.. we were so young.. not stable.. oh.. but a child.. with the woman I loved. I was filled with joy.

My child… mine… I vowed our child would want for nothing..

I worked hard.. 2 jobs.. extra shifts… then came home and cooked whatever she was craving that day.. I walked many a night at 3am to the corner store for ice cream, or a particular kind of snack.

Her belly grew.. and so did my heart.

I was working the day she went into labor.. my boss was a… well.. let’s just call him strict… and would not let me leave work. So I quit… took 2 buses and a cab across town to the hospital.. my chest felt about to burst… I was going to be a father!

I thought about skipping forward a bit.. skipping over some of the pain.. but no.. we continue.

I was asked to wait in the waiting room. I thought it was a bit odd.. but of that was what she wanted I would gladly do that for her.. hours pass.. then the word comes.. I have a son! I was overwhelmed. I wanted to see him.. to see her.. but was told they were resting and that I should go home and come back in the morning. In hindsight, I should have known something was not right.. but I was filled with joy and did as I was asked.

In the morning.. the call came… she cried as she told me… the child was not mine.

She told me everything.. how she had cheated.. again.. and again.. how she would go next door to have sex with our neighbor while I walked to the store at 3am.

How she didn’t even know who the real father was… oh how she cried.

And my heart died.

And I forgave her.

And she left me.

It took me years.. to recover from this. My good friend who I call my brother says he never saw me smile for 5 years. Ever so slowly I gathered together the peaces of my shattered heart and mind.. and with time and will.. put myself back together.

But there are scars. Some small peaces I may never get back.

And now you know.. now the story is done.

Do I feel better for the telling? I dont know… but I felt it was time.. time to let it go.

Rough night.

Laying in bed trying to calm the vortex of thoughts so that I can sleep. Inevitably my thoughts turn inward as I examine my day.

Did I help someone today? I hope so…

Did I get things done around the house? Meh… not so much.. still pretty sore from work on Friday. I will mow the lawn, trim the trees, and bathe the dog tomorrow.

Was I a good domanent today? I did learn a few new things today. Always a good thing. Honestly it always makes me happy to learn something new, even after 20 years of being a dom there are still new and exciting things just waiting to be learned or understood.

Haveing a moment of introspection tonight.. thinking of all the things and people I have gained and lost over the years.

There are things I am glad to have… a comfortable bed.. plenty of good food ready to be cooked…. the dog snoring softly and kicking at my feet as he dreams… a good friend who is like a brother to me.

And there are things and moments that I dearly miss… the affectionate touch of a loved one… the entrancing beauty of moonlight kissed mountains under the stars… far too much lost to the mist of time. Some things still too raw to write about, some like old scars that ache when a storm is coming.

I know why I am feeling this way… but knowing doesn’t make it feel any better. Only allows me to maybe get some sleep.

Untitled poem from a sleep deprived man.

Sleep eludes the dreaming mind,

Thoughts drift in diming light,

She turns and slips her hand in thine,

Her Eyes on his speak her need and plight,

Breath on her neck.. skin flushed and tight,

A gasp as he grips her hair in calloused hand,

Flesh burns hot on moonless night,

Her body twists with fevered demand,

Flame made desire submits to his gaze,

No rope binds yet she is bound all the same,

Please she whispers… lost in pleasures maze,

She shudders and cries out his name,

And finally sleep… a drowsy smile apon her lips,

Darkness enfolds… and all is silence.

Making it Work

Daily life is complicated, frustrating, and sometimes downright exhausting. Our lives are full and often keep us vary busy. Often we have achieved a delicate balance between getting all the things we need to do done and getting enough rest. Now throw a few monkeys in the gears, headaches from allergies, the occasional 13 hour work day, bouts of insomnia, and you have the makings of real life. And then you meet someone, someone special that wants the same things you do. And now you try to balance all of that with a personal connection. Not enough hours in the day. So what to do?

Sacrifice. What will you give to have the one your heart is set on. Would you work less? Is that even an option? Even if that would mean less resources to woo your paramore.

Would you give up sleep? This is often the choice many make. Some can handle it and some cant. For those that cant the results can be incredibly destabilizing to their life. Lower job performance can cause loss of wages. Lower energy can be a turn off for the one you are trying to woo.

What else could you give?

Health.

You push yourself beyond your limits to do everything. This can be maintained for only a short time. Then you burn. Either physically or mentally you crash and are crushed under the weight of your self imposed responsibilities. You get sick, or injured because you are too tired to take care of yourself properly.

But SirHanz?… what is a dom or sub to do? Is there a way to make it work?

Yup. And it’s simple.

Communicate. Talk with your partner. Tell them your wants and personal limitations. They will either be happy you did and care for you more because of it or they will leave and though it may hurt you will be way better off without someone who wants you to kill yourself slowly for them.

The Anti-Troll

Drama…. you find it in any community. Some thrive on it and will incite it at any opportunity. But why do they do that?

Allow me to give them a verbal bitchslaping of logic and truth.

They crave attention, and the negative attention they get from provocative comments or outright lies is much more exciting than a pat on the back or a “good job” for doing something positive. It’s also easier to rip into someone than creatively build them up.

They like to split groups into “my team” and “everyone else” the conflict that creates this is just a tool to get people “on their side”. They just want to build a group of people around them that will agree with them and give them attention.

Usually they have a deep seated fear of rejection and so use conflict to push away people who dont agree with them and gather followers who are bound together against a common enemy.

They are often completely oblivious to why they do what they do if they even realize they are doing it at all.

They dont want to take responsibility for their own actions or problems. They use their own personal problems as an excuse to blame others.

I realize no one can force someone like that to change. To try to do so is just giving them an excuse to play victim and again avoid responsibility.

They have to decide for themselves to be a better person.

This post is not for that purpose. It is to inform the good people out there how a trolls mind works so they are not hurt by them lashing out and flailing for pity. The more we understand, the less power they hold.

Be the anti-troll.

Whew… have not had a good rant in weeks. Damm that felt good. Now all I need is a snack and a nap and this day may just turn out all right after all.

Best wishes -SirHanz.

SCAMS

I recently helped my boss at work recognize that he was getting scammed. It was a multi level marketing scam combined with a crypto currency startup scam. Fortunately with a bit of research I was able to prove this and he was able to get most of his money back. Unfortunately there are others that were invested in it that did not believe they were being scammed and are still in it. So it got me thinking about why scams work. I think if people understood this better then they would be much more likely to not fall for them, or if they do be willing to see the truth when it is presented.

This applies to bdsm as well. I have heard numerous horror stories of doms or even occasional subs using these same methods to take advantage of people. Especially people who are new to the lifestyle. So read on my kinky friends and armor yourself agenst the asshats.

First… confidence. Usually they will try to convince you of something you know little about. And every thing they tell you will often seem true, a good con man will only lie about a few important things, leaving the rest of his story true. That way if you dont look vary deeply everything seems correct.

Second… choice. Once they have your confidence they will always give you a choice while dangling whatever it is you want in front of you. It’s a false choice. No one ever chooses the duck that poops everywhere over the unicorn that farts cash. This give the person being scammed a false sence of controll that reinforces thair confidence that they are doing the right thing.

Third… the fool. No one wants to feel foolish. Or admit they were lied to and believed it. Or even worse that all that hard earned money is gone and they will never see it again. Once someone is invested in a scam it is vary difficult to convince them of the truth. They want so badly for the lie to be true that they will ignore any fact that contradicts the lie. Aka. “Dont try to confuse me with the facts. Trump is a great president ”

Fourth… the fool becomes the con. Once the con artist has people fooled they will do the work of bringing others into the con for him. If everyone believes it, it must not be a lie right?

Fifth.. fame. If famous or important people endorse it it must be true right? Of course! Now here is the deal.. I have this bridge I am selling, 50 cent and Leonard Nimoy have already bought in… what can I put you down for? People are people. Just because someone is importent does not mean they dont get scammed.

So.. now that you know all this how do you use it? Simple. Look for the flags.

1. Is it too good to pass up? Yes? Scam.

2. Will it solve all your problems? Yes? Scam.

3. Is it easy to see the cost? No? Scam.

Be safe out there. Best of luck.

The Mountain and the Devil

Cold.. bones ache, muscles stiffen.

I set my face to the wind.

Determined I drive on, steps are agony.

Will takes over when the body fails.

Move… another step…. and another..

And breathe……. the air is thin…

My chest becomes a bellows, struggling to keep the fire of life alight.

Step, breathe, step, breathe, ever upward.

Time becomes irrelevant, eyes blur and refocus… one more step… now again.

Now it comes to me.. a warm hand.. touching my face, wiping away frozen tears.

Sleep she says.. I am warm.. I will hold you.

Eyes snap open. No more steps.. how long was I standing? Move! Screams the will. Move or die!

Another step.. the world is pain now.. another step… and another..

You will fail! Screams the wind.. you will fall! Moans the rock.

Lips crack.. a whisper.. loud as snowfall… “I… will… not…”

Light pours forth.. blinding bright.. and it seems all of creation is laid before me.

A weak smile on numb lips. The top.. finaly..

A friendly hand slaps my burning shoulder “oi mate! Hellova day for a walkabout!”

I nod numbly turning to see a rather chipper Australian fellow.

Dear lord.. did he just open a beer? He salutes me with the beer and laughs “I kep er warm in ma trousers!”

Slowly I turn and trudge once more into the cold.. convinced…. the devil is Australian.

My Word as a Dominant

Today I want to talk about something that has gotten lost in today’s society.

A man’s word.

In times past if a man gave his word about something you could count on it being done. No quibbling, no negotiations, it WILL be done.

A man’s word and a handshake launched industry, assured repayment, and created a bond of trust.

And if a man broke his word… baring acts of the uncontrollable universe getting in the way… he was pariah. Frends would not speak to him, stores would not sell to him, no woman would have him. And even if it was not his fault his word was broken and people understood, he would still feel bad about it for weeks.

A man’s word was not given lightly. He had to be shure beyond doubt that he could and would do what was asked of him.

Now days most men treat their word as if they are talking to a nagging wife. “Take out the trash!”…. “fine.. you have my word I will take it out.” And he may or may not do it.

And braking your word now days has little to no impact. No one cares if you gave your word and broke it except maybe the person you gave it to and often not even them. It is just a saying now days.

This saddens me. How can you give your word and have people now days really understand the depth of commitment that comes with that if your word means the same as “fine… I will take out the trash”.

I dont know about other doms but i believe if there is one place that understands what it truly means to give your word… it is the bdsm community. When a dom or master gives his word.. it should be taken with the knowledge that they WILL absolutely do what they say. And establish a bind of trust with whom ever they gave it to. Unfortunately there are not as many who hold the old school values in the community as there once was. So even here a doms word does not mean what it once did.

So I will end with this.. do not give your word lightly. And do not ask for the word of another lightly. For some of us take it VARY seriously.

The Myth of Anger

The myth of anger is that when we are angry we are just angry. Usually when someone is angry it is a cover for another emotion. “You basterd! Cut me off in traffic! You trying to kill me?” Anger… but what is it covering? Fear of getting into an accident… fear of being hurt.. worry for the others in the car…. but did getting angry help at all? The other driver cant hear you, your stressing out the people you are around. And your still feeling the fear of almost getting hit. Entirely self destructive.

“You lied to me! I hate you!” Anger.. but think about what it is covering. Sadness, for the loss of trust. disappointment, in the person that lied. Fear, if they lied about that… what else may they be lieing about? Hurt, for being lied to. Embarrassment, for not recognizing the lie.

All those emotions are there. But they are unpleasant, so we get angry. Anger is easy. We dont have to feel what is really going on when we are angry.

I could go on and on giving examples of how it covers other emotions and is self destructive… but you got the point. There is only one way I can think of that anger could be beneficial. And that is to act as a cover for pain. I am not talking about emotional pain. Physical pain. And even then it is self destructive. Causing or makeing injury worse. But if you know the cost… and decide it’s worth it… like to lift a car off a child. Your going to rip mussels, possibly dislocate arms, do all kinds of horrible damage to yourself. But if you know it’s worth it… get angry. Get furious. Breathe hate and drown in the madness. But the need for such a thing is incredibly rare. Probably less that 1 out of 1000 will see such a need in their lifetime.

So next time something starts to make you angry… take a step back. Think about what’s under the anger. Do something to fix what’s underneath instead of damaging yourself or those around you.

Best wishes in all that you do.

Rain

Tired. Just tired. Those two little words can fill the whole of my world some days.

I am convinced someone told gravity that I called it a pansy. And now it is making me suffer to get out of bed.

I stand at the window, sipping my tea and looking out at the rain splashed darkness.

“Where are you tonight?” The thought drifts through me like a breath of longing.

Only my reflection looks back from the window. I look at myself, eyes.. once the blue of northern ice are now the gray of stormclouds. A sigh… in the right light… but no.. the years take their toll.

Headlights sweep the night, illuminating the rain. “How many miles divide us… keeping me from finding you. Are you so close I may see you from this window? Are you so far all we may share is the same clouded sky?” The cup is empty, but its warmth lingers in my hand.

I look at my reflection, my quiet companion.. his hands are rough yet gentle as he holds the cup. Arms touched here and there with the scars of the past. “Scars.. the ones you see are the least painful.” I turn from the window.. and put out the light.

Tired.. letting gravity finally win I lay in bed, eyes heavy… “will you dream of me?” The softness of the sheets draws me down.

“I will just wait for you here”

And all is silence.. but for the rain.