Abomination they called me..
Because I could see..
The thousand paths..
Of what could be..
Cause and effect..
Swirling in a sea..
It’s a pattern of lace..
Of glimpsed possibility..
No monster here..
Just a mind set free..
A curse and a blessing…
More curse I guarantee…
For I must hide my thoughts..
This little idiosyncrasy…
Or they will fear I may use..
This skeleton key..
Some would want this gift…
But I disagree..
I would not wish it..
On my worst enemy.
-SirHanz
So for anyone who was wondering… “there has got to be something wrong with that guy”
I can tell you that you are definitely correct.
The biggest thing is probably this…
I cant remember numbers.
Dead serious. 3 to 5 min and they are gone.
With enough repetition I can remember a few things.. the year I was born… my birthday.. the last four digits of my ssn. And some others.
It took me 5 years to learn my new phone #. And I still dont know my own address. Oh I know the street names.. but not the numbers.
I keep the most important numbers written on cards in my wallet.
When I was first entering school as a child my parents were really worried by this. They thought I might be “slow” so they did the responsible thing and got my IQ tested. The result surprised them.
I am an idiot savant.
The part of my brain that deals with remembering numbers does not work right.
But problem solving and pattern recognition is vary high. And I remember color perfectly. I’m not talking about remembering that the car that just drove past was blue.. I’m talking about knowing exactly what shade of blue it was.
As I grew other things started to show…
My sister decided to join the school band and picked the flute to play. She brought it home and was trying to practice but the poor girl could barely get a note from the instrument. So I asked if I could try it.. and I played. It was easy.. no thoughts required. I thought of the sound I wanted and just played it. I had discovered something new. As for my sister.. she was crushed, the poor girl. She did eventually learn to play. But she had a leg up on me once she did. Near photographic memory. She looks at the music sheet once and she can play the song anytime. Me? I never learned how to read music. I can only play by ear.
And as I have aged I have discovered a few more little things like that but they are few and I never really developed any of them. Maybe that is another flaw?
But wait! There’s more!
Proactive laziness.
No… I dont go out of my way to be lazy.
I work crazy hard so I will have more time to be lazy. People are always telling me “wow! You got that done fast! You’re such a hard worker!” And I am thinking “yah.. now I can sit down and chill for a while ” I make a mental list of things I need to get done and then work hard to get them all done in the most efficient way I can. Want to annoy me? Add more things to my list after I think I am done. Yah….. that will grind on me good because I am already tired and now your cutting into my relaxing time. Soooo flaw?
Another? You mean there’s more? Yup.
I am too nice.
Wait you say.. that’s not a flaw…
Really? Let’s see… I have been hurt a lot because I tend to overlook my own wellbeing to help others.
People try to take advantage of me because they equate “nice” with “soft” or “easy target ” I am not. But it is annoying to have to sort through people to figure out what they really want from me.
Aaaannnd that creates trust issues.
Combine that with being emotionally destroyed in the past and yah… trust takes time with me.
Well.. now you know the big ones.
The little flaws I am working on whenever I find them. Because I am a curious guy I have learned a LOT of things in my life and as a consequence tend to try to help by explaining things to others. Often they are annoyed because they wanted to figure it out for themselves. I am trying to cut back on that.
I guess that’s enough self reflection for now.
It’s ok to be imperfect, it’s not ok to stop trying to be better.
Best wishes -SirHanz
Gather round folks, time for another installment of “things I feel like talking about ”
Today’s chapter… the difference between knowing and understanding.
But first a joke.
A sub is sweeping the floor, but she has the broom turned sideways and it’s not working vary well. Another sub comes over and explains how to sweep and even shows her an example. The first sub goes right back to trying to sweep with the edge of the broom. The helpful sub “no no no! Here, I will show you again..” she demonstrates again and hands the broom back. The first sub starts sweeping with the edge of the broom again. A dom walks over, grabs the broom from the sub, hits her three times on the ass with it and yells “do it right!” The sub immediately starts sweeping correctly. The helpful sub “I just showed you how to do that! Why didn’t you listen to me!” The first sub “well you didn’t explain it like he did!”
This is a tough one to put into words. How can you know something and not understand it? Let’s put this in the context of a sub who has been given instruction on a particular task. They may remember the task and the steps they need to complete to finish it… and that’s knowing. But understanding? Let’s look at what that would require. Do they know why they are being told to do the task? How does the task serve their dom? What will they learn from doing this? How will they feel when they are done? How will the dom feel? Ect..
Answer all those deeper questions and you have understanding. See the difference? It is knowing to memorize. But this in itself doesn’t bring understanding. We should always be seeking those deeper layers. Thinking about things that we know from different angles and slowly changing that knowledge to understanding.
And now you know. But ask yourself, do I understand?
Oh.. the things in my head some days…
Here is just a peek at the odd things that go on up there throughout the day.
I woke up this morning tired, mild headache from allergies, still a bit turned on from a nice dream and thought.. I wonder what it would be like to go back to bed and fall asleep getting a blowjob….I wonder, could this be a new thing? The “nap job”?
Sipping my tea on the couch, reading blogs.. a thought occurs to me. How long has it been since I have seen a sub get rope drunk?
Driving to work, a nice looking lady in the car beside me smiles at me. I wonder.. does she just like my hat?
Lunch.. sandwich and chips… why do they put a health warning on cigarettes but not on the huge dildos and plugs?
Working, eat a dick sun. Gawd I am tired…
Hmm.. is it ironic if ice cube gets heat stroke?
Home, gotta make food so I dont wake up starving at 4am… passed out for an hour in recliner instead. Was woken by dog jumping on nuts.
Time for bed, this room could use some flowers. And a naked submissive. Maybe a dimmer bedside lamp as well… seriously too bright in here. I wonder what goes better with the decor… redhead… or burnett.
Student: “master? What is zen dominance?”
Master: “you will understand when you know the sound of one hand slapping ”
Student: “but master.. how can I…” *SMACK*
Student: *rubbing bruised ass* “oh…”
I know… I know… cheesey right? But before you smerk and go on to do something else.. stop and think for a moment.
The student just learned 3 things. Can you work out what they were?
Now.. while you twist your brain around trying to figure out what I might be getting at let’s talk about learning…. if you work through a problem yourself rather than just being told the answer are you more likely to remember and make use of it? Yes, of course. So why would teaching a submissive be any different? Now I know that this is probably one of the hardest ways for a dominant to teach, guiding a submissive in the direction you want them to go but not giving them the answer.
I know…. sometimes you just want to scream and smack them and show them exactly how to do it. But resist. Because you are a dominant, you are in control of yourself. Allowing a submissive to frustrate you into giving them the answer…. is that dominance? No. It’s not.
This kind of teaching can be overt.
(example)
Dom : “clean the dishes”
Sub : *washes the dishes and stacks them* “all done”
Dom : “wrong.” *smack* “do it right.”
Sub : *rewashes the dishes, drys them, puts them away*
Dom : “now you know how to do the dishes”
Or it can be manipulative and subtle.
(Example)
Dom : *does the dishes… badly. Leaves food stuck to the plates* “help me with the dishes will you?”
Sub : *eyes dirty dishes* “oh! Sir! Allow me to wash those from now on.”
Dom : “I will put away the dry ones..” *grabs a wet metal bowl, it slips and crashes to the floor makeing a horrendous racket*
Sub : “please allow me to do that for you sir” *rewashes dishes, dries them and puts them away*
Dom : *grins*
If you work out what the 3 things the student learned… let me know in the comments. *grin*
To eat a big eyeball. -japanese idiom.
“To be punished or given the worst of something”
useage: oh! I am going to make you eat a big eyeball for that!
where the crawfish hibernate -russian idiom
“To punish in a mean way. Or to teach a hard lesson. ”
Useage: I will show you where the crawfish hibernate.
To have not become so famous -icelandic idiom
“To have not tried something yet”
Useage: A whiping cross? I have not become so famous.
You ate my ears -greek idiom
“Someone who talks to much or is pushy ”
Useage: that sub ate my ears.
I can count the times I have been truly angry in my life on one hand. How is that even possible you ask? Simple. I understand my self. In buddhism there is a meditation technique called second thoughts. The first thought is when you think of something, the second thought is when at the same time you think about why you had the first thought. I examine my own reactions and thoughts a lot.
Where did that thought come from?
Is it helpful? If so, how?
Is it logical?
Why am I haveing that thought now?
How does it make me feel?
That was the first step for me. To understand what I am thinking and why.
The second step was to recognize fear. Fear is both useful and destructive. Fear can be a warning system. When you feel fear, instead of drowning in it if you examine why you are feeling it you will follow one of two logic paths.
1. The fear is rational. Rational fear is your good buddy self preservation telling you it’s a long way down and you dont have a rope. This kind of fear is constructive and allows you to make decisions about dangerous things.
2. The fear is irrational. Irrational fear is your crazy aunt telling you even though you have a harness and rope both rated for over 12000 pounds your going to fall to your death. This kind of fear is destructive, and holds you back from things that are perfectly safe.
Now the hard part. Once you have identified a fear as irrational you need to let go of it. There are several ways to do this. If you have the willpower you can just abandon it. Or you can do things to show yourself that it is safe, and done enough times you may be able to let go of the fear. Or you can except the fear and do it anyway knowing you will be afraid but also knowing you will not be hurt. The last one is a hell of a leap of faith. Deep breath…. exhale… and… fuck it.
Understanding yourself takes time. Time most people dont have or dont want to take because they would rather be doing something else. It took me many years and I learn more about myself every year.
There is a trap here as well. It only works as long as you keep doing it. And if you stop doing it.. the confidence you gained becomes overconfidence. Be careful to avoid that if at all possible.
Good luck and remember, the cookies with chocolate chips look the same as the ones with raisins. Sometimes you just have to try things to know what it is you want.
Knotty Thoughts 