Support

Woke up feeling groggy with hands slightly swollen from overuse and work. Ah.. the joy of being awake.. wait.. why am I awake? Alarm has not even gone off yet! *groan* *flail* I want tea… but dont want to get up to make it. Sooo… I find myself writing. It helps to get the gears of thought turning.

Let’s see… topic of the day.. how about… support. This is something that is important in any dynamic. A dominant should support and help to build up their submissive. Now.. I am not talking about financial support. Though.. if that’s your thing I dont judge. But no.. I am talking about encouragement and direction. Helping the submissive be an all round better person.

This is mostly done through positive reinforcement. Little rewards and praise for doing healthy things and for finding ways to better themselves. For learning new things or for doing well at tasks the dom sets for them because he/she knows they will benefit the submissive.

But why would a dom go through all that work for their sub? Shouldn’t the sub be serving them? Yes! The sub IS serving them. A better healthier submissive is happier and has more confidence. And all that makes them more skilled and enthusiastic in there submission to their dom.

So find what your submissive is good at.. and make them great. Help them be and feel beautiful. Be their rock through the rough times in life. And help them be a kinder more loveing version of themselves. All these things not only strengthen the bond between you, but also benefit the dom in a myriad of ways.

Best wishes -SirHanz

So your a dominant.

I was thinking today about what someone just starting out as a dominant may be feeling.

Ok.. so you have figured out that your a dominant, now what?

Well… now days things are a little different than when I started out. When I started to learn there was very little information available and the bit that did exist was in hard to find books. So back then you pretty much needed a mentor. I was lucky in that. But now with the explosion of the internet there is vary little you cant learn if you put your mind to it. Except…. it’s just theory. And it often doesn’t take into account that real life situations are not usually perfect. Your sub may be tired, or have an injury, or be grumpy because of something.. you get the picture.

What you need more than anything is experience. This is not to say you shouldn’t learn as much as possible first… definitely do that.

Here are some topics to read up on.

Concent,

Limits,

Setting the mood, (this is way more important than most people think. Drawing your submissive into that mindset can be difficult at times. Especially if you want to play and they have had a rough day. Real life happens remember? A good domanent prepares. Learn how.)

Safety,

Subdrop,

Mental manipulation and conditioning, ( remember, your sub WANTS you to take control of them. Control is a much deeper thing than just giving orders. It’s about makeing your submissive WANT to serve you.)

Pretty much anything on human psychology,

Gear and technique.

That should get you started in the right direction. Never stop learning.

Now on to experience… so you have learned all you can and found someone you like that is willing to submit. Take it slow.. learn everything you can about your submissive. Talk with them about everything you can think of.. you never know what you may find. Ask the hard questions. Those are usually the most important in the long run.

Once you have gotten to know your submissive then it’s time to play. Start slow. Build towards the harder things. Don’t expect your submissive to jump right into the more advanced parts of bdsm. At this point it is more about establishing the dynamic than what you are doing. Find what works. You will make mistakes, and that’s ok. Just own them and learn from them. It’s all part of the process.

Be available. Most submissives crave that feeling of control. It makes them feel safe and cared for. This goes back to makeing the submissive want to serve you. Remind them of why they chose you in the first place. Do little things to make them feel controlled. Inspire them to crave your attention. But be careful, once a submissive is in that headspace.. if you deny them the attention they so desperately seek it can feel like you don’t care or like it is a punishment.

Hold yourself accountable. If your the one in control then the buck stops with you. If your submissive is acting out or feeling down.. it’s up to you to correct the behavior, or do something to change their mood. And if you make a mistake or hurt your submissive they will not always volunteer that information. Be aware of your own actions and how they effect your submissive. Check in with them frequently and make shure they are not hurt, or mentally exhausted.

Best wishes in your journey -SirHanz

Careing and Love.

There will come a time in everyone’s life when the happiness of another is as important as your own.

Be it domanent or submissive each seeks at the most basic level the happiness of the other. This is both wonderful and dangerous. For it only works if both people care about the other as much as themselves. They keep their best interests in their heart and see constant reminders of the other in their every day life.

Be it the flowers in the store window that remind you that you want to do something nice for them. Or a glimpse of something that reminds you of shared happiness and connection.

Often people mistake careing for love. But there is a huge difference. Love is deeper, a burning need to share joy. And its absence can be physically painful. Careing is a choice. Sometimes care can turn into love, or love can inspire care. But it’s always a choice. If you choose not to do something for the one you love because of another commitment you are not any less in love. Or if you choose to do something nice for someone it doesn’t mean you love them.

See the difference? You can hope for someones happiness and want to help them but not be in love with them. And you can love someone and be unable to always show how much you care.

I felt it was important to make this distinction. If someone loves you and shows they care in whatever way, remember not to take that for granted. They have made the choice in that moment to choose you. That choice should be acknowledged and charished. And if they choose not to show in some way they care it does not mean they love you any less. That is also important to remember.

Care can come in many forms, sharing time is one. Doing things that will benefit the other, even small things like takeing out the trash or doing the dishes just so the other doesn’t have to. Be aware of the care around you. There is often more than you think. And if you are lucky enough to be loved, show them you care whenever you can. Even if it’s just a quick word or gesture. You never know when a small kindness will mean the world to them.

Best wishes -SirHanz

Ethics In BDSM

It amazes me how people think that just because your into bdsm or kink that it somehow means you have abandoned all ethical thought.

Unfortunately that stereotype is perpetuated by people in the community who don’t really understand what it’s all about. So why dont we set the record straight and dig into the myths and realities of bdsm.

Let’s start off with a big one. Consent. Trust in a bdsm relationship is incredibly important and ties in with giving consent. But when does consent need to be given? Is it something that only needs to be given once? Or renewed moment by moment? What about consenting to give up your right to consent (CNC)? People sometimes consent to behavior that is damaging to them to please another. It is a breach of trust to allow this. As a dominant it is important to remember that it is up to you to know what may be damaging to your submissive. And even if they tell you they are ok with the activity it is the ethical dom’s responsibility to not damage them. Consent is not a free pass to do whatever you want. A good dom is always concerned about the physical and mental wellbeing of their partner. Enabling self destructive impulses is not ethical or healthy. A dom works to minimize these impulses and maximize the pleasure gained through healthy choices.

Do no harm. People engage in bdsm play for pleasure and it often involves some form of pain or pushing outside of one’s comfort zone. But there is a difference between “hurt” and “harm”. Hurt is temporary, marks on the skin.. sore muscles… embarrassment… ect. Harm on the other hand is lasting. Permanent or long term physical damage.. PTSD.. lowered self esteem.. despair and depression. What makes do no harm a cornerstone of ethical bdsm is that it doesn’t prescribe what people should or should not find pleasure in. People are all different and have different wants and needs. But harm diminishes the ability of a person to be happy or to enjoy life. The do no harm principle keeps things from going “too far” and allows us to enjoy playing with a clear conscience.

Does this mean that things like degradation, objectification, or dehumanization have no place in ethical bdsm? No.. not really… when it is a temporary reversible effect it can even even empower the submissive. But what is wrong is to diminish someone permanently.

Be honest. Dishonesty undermines both consent and trust. We humans have an huge capacity for self deception as well. Being honest with yourself is incredibly important in bdsm. Be honest about your real wants needs and limits. Withholding necessary information makes for unsatisfied play.

Avoid unintended pain. The whole point of inflicting pain or discomfort in bdsm is for it to be intentional and meaningful. To form a connection between the dominant and the submissive resulting from a deliberate choice instead of the random nature of ordinary life. Causing pain without meaning suggests callousness and indifference. This is never a healthy mentality. Ethical sadism is never about unintentional suffering. But submissives need to be aware as well as their own actions or words can cause unintended emotional pain to their partner.

Respect limits. These are things you ether cant do because of physical or mental limitations or things you won’t do because you prefer not to or believe it would be wrong. With time and effort it is possible to expand the boundaries of these limits. But often it is more healthy to simply respect them and leave them where they are. There are some submissives that want the dom to be in total control of limits, that is not to say that they dont have limits.. only that it is the dom that must determine and respect the limits of the submissive. It is the consensual shifting of the responsibility of defining and maintaining those limits to only one person in the dynamic. There are times when a submissive will speak of haveing “no limits” with their dom. ( consensual non consent) This is often confusing for people. It is advanced consent to ignore all protests and limits. This can be vary dangerous and requires a deep bond of trust between both people. In rare cases people say that have “no limits” because they dont care if they are harmed. An ethical dom will refuse to interact with such self destructive people. They should be referred to trained psychologists for therapy.

Risk responsibility. Like any physically and mentally demanding activity there are always risks. It is important to know what they are and be personally responsible for your own decisions as to which risks you choose to take. Learn, be aware and make informed decisions. Takeing needless risks may excite some people but the cost is often higher than both you and your partner are willing to pay.

Dont push. If someone is not ready for something it is not ethical to push them into it. If it is something both people want but one is not ready for take things slow, make shure at every step that both people are comfortable with where they are before moving forward. Listen to your gut feelings. All of them, not just the part that says “I want this” but also the part that says “there is something wrong here”. If something doesn’t feel right communicate immediately. And if someone is pushing you into something your not comfortable with it is fine to tell them your not interested and walk away.

Job and family. Do not… I repeat… do not… fuck with someones job or family. Unless someone explicitly invites you into this part of their lives it is off limits. An ethical dom should do nothing that may threaten a submissives job or family relations. Anything that would “out” the sub without their consent to frends and family should always be avoided. And anything that threatens their livelihood is completely unethical. If the submissive WANTS to give up their job or be open to their frends and family that is of course different. But it should never be forced. On the other side a sub needs to respect a dom’s personal space. It is not ok to call a phone number you have not been given permission to use or to interact with their family or friends without permission.

No regrets. Any time your doing anything with a bdsm dynamic you should never feel like your going to regret it later. It’s ok to be unsure, that just means you should take things slow. But if you feel like you may regret it… dont do it. This is supposed to be a pleasurable and intimate connection. You should never regret anything you feel good about. It can be a learning experience, a personal affirmation of will, pleasure for both you and your partner, or anything else positive.

Finish what you start. If you are unable to continue for whatever reason and as long as your partner has not done harm, dont just walk away. The bond that forms between people in a bdsm dynamic is unique and should be respected. Providing closure is as important as any other aspect of a bdsm relationship. Just because kink is involved, that is no reason to enter into or leave a dynamic frivolously or without concern for all involved.

Starting or ending a bdsm relationship should never be done on a whim. Committing to a bdsm relationship is a big step. And both people should work to create a meaningful and fulfilling relationship. Typically when a submissive asks for release from a dynamic it is up to the dom to decide if they will grant it. However.. unless you have a damm good reason why you shouldn’t let them go you should always honor their wishes. Refusing to release a sub that wants out is crossing a line. So you better be damm shure you can solve whatever problem let to it before you deny it.

Dont use bdsm for therapy. If someone is struggling with mental health it is not ethical to allow them to use your dynamic as an excuse or crutch to prevent them from getting the help they need. Tricking or trapping a partner into becoming your therapist is not ok. They are not trained for it (unless they are) and cannot proved the care you or your partner needs. This can lead to a whole host of problems. It is one thing to be getting help or have gotten help for mental health challenges and then haveing a bdsm dynamic. It is quite another to mask or cover up those problems.

Respect others kinks. Just because it isn’t your thing doesn’t mean you should dislike the person. Give them the respect they deserve just as you would outside of bdsm or kink. This is not to say you need to show respect to asshats. If someone is a jerk.. just because they have a kink doesn’t mean you have to respect them. People like that often hind behind their kink and scream “kink shaming ” if they get any negative interactions. Dont judge based on their kinks, but if their being an asshat has nothing to do with bdsm feel free to tell them where to stick it.

Dont take your partner for granted.

It is easy to fall into a routine or a comfortable place in a dynamic over time. And that’s fine.. but you should always make shure your partner understands how much you value them and how special their submission or dominance makes you feel.

Be good. This doesn’t mean just some of the time. Strive to be the best that you can be for your partner ALL the time. Whatever your roles, whatever technique you use.. learn as much as you can and do it to the best of your abilities. Even if your haveing fun, you will have MORE fun if you play your heart out than if you are just going through the motions. And so will your partner. If you dont do the prep work you cant get the highest rewards. Good play can be spontaneous but only with a solid foundation of trust and skill. Practice won’t make you perfect but it will make you have a great time.

Best wishes -SirHanz

The first date

Ok.. so you have met someone that your interested in as a dominant or submissive.. what now?

Well.. a lot depends on the people but a safe bet would be to meet in person and have ether dinner, coffee, or a drink. These are always good settings because they are public places and you want the person you are meeting to be as comfortable as possible.

If all goes well then make plans to meet again. If not, then dont hesitate to leave. You are under no obligation to stay in a situation that makes you uncomfortable in a bad way. (Yes, you can be uncomfortable in a good way)

If you meet again and all seems good then it’s up to you what to do next. Just be as open and honest as possible. Not only does that help establish trust, but if they reject you for being honest then your better off without them. (No matter how hot they are)

To those who are already experienced with bdsm this should all be old hat. But remember that not everyone who enjoys bdsm has actually been in a D/s dynamic before and may be extremely nervous about meeting someone. Especially if they dont understand what to do and how to be safe. So really this post is for them.

Trust your gut. If you get the feeling the person sitting across from you is bad news.. there is probably a reason. And establishing trust when your feeling like that is almost impossible anyway.

Plan ahead. Dont wait till the last minute to try to primp and dress. Plan out what your going to wear and how you want to be seen ahead of time. This is one less thing you will have to be nervous about.

Talk to a friend. Make shure someone knows where your going and maybe even arrange for a phone call at a specific time for them to check up on you.

Have fun. Its supposed to be fun remember? Enjoy yourself.

Best wishes -SirHanz