She hides her tears,
In gifs and tweets,
Her numbing fears,
With the strangers she meets,
Its but a distraction,
She already knows,
Looking at memes,
And reading prose,
But I see through,
Your silent refrain,
And understand what it’s like,
To be in pain,
I am here.
Best wishes -SirHanz
Ps. Still no word prompts from wordpress! Want me to write something just for you? Drop me a word!
Pps. Yes. It will probably be erotic.
The mixture of pain and pleasure all steeped like dark tea in the cocktail of endorphins can be a wonderful and heady brew. In reading another blog today I got to thinking about our body’s ability to adapt and our brains ability to normalize pain.
First let’s look at the body. Skin is one of the most sensitive organs of the body. In the context of pain it is the early warning system that teaches our brain to avoid damage. When just starting out in bdsm you may look at more experienced people and think “oh gawd.. there is no way I would enjoy that! That must hurt like crazy!” But the way their brain processes pain is different. When the skin feels pain the brain is sent a damage signal and somewhere deep in our subconscious we think “death imanant! Run away!”. But when repeated many times over and no lasting harm or death occurs… something changes in our brain. We start to ignore it. Oh.. you still feel it. But the brain has shut down many of the nerve endings and the sharp intensity you once felt is no longer there. And so in order to recapture that feeling we may choose to use the cane instead of the crop. Or the paddle instead of the hand. The change in sensation to one the brain has not learned is “ok” puts you right back in that “danger! Damage imanant!” Mode that triggers the wonderful rush of endorphins.
Now let’s look at the mind, and how pain is processed. I touched on that a bit with the skin mind connection but there is a lot more going on up there than the subconscious responses. When pain and pleasure are mixed it forms a mental connection between the two over time. Pain in certain areas becomes a trigger to evoke memories of pleasure. Getting a slap on the ass goes from “ouch!” To “mmmmmmmm”.
The memory of pleasure overrides the momentary sting. Once that link has been made the mind seeks out that intense feeling once more. And when it becomes a desire.. we crave it. The human brain is a marvel, its ability to adapt to just about anything has made us the dominant species on the planet. And in bdsm we exploit that adaptability. Each time we experience that rush of openness and complete vulnerability often referred to as subspace our brain begins to see it as more and more normal. And thus it is easyer to slip back into. Our use of pain and pleasure combined while enjoyable is merely the key that unlocks that part of our mind. I dont speak from personal experience as I have not been in subspace before. Though I look forward to it. I spent quite a bit of time observing and learning about it through a combination of anatomy, psychology, and talking to the submissives I have worked with in the past.
I hope you have enjoyed my little diversion into the topic.
Best wishes -SirHanz
I was thinking over a lunch of watermelon and salad about articulation. And how I feel like I am so much better at arranging my thoughts in the written form rather than speaking. I have never been a great orator. I have always been one to listen a lot more than speak.
And that got me thinking about how that may have effected my growth as a dominant. Let me brake down my logic for you.
1. Knowledge is power.
2. You learn more when you listen.
3. If you want to be able to control someone, you need to know them.
4. Really understanding someone requires two things. The ability to ask good questions and to be more interested in them than yourself.
So next time you see a dom bragging about how skilled he is, or how much experience he has with submissives.. take a step back and think.. if he is really that good, why is he talking? There is a reason they say it’s the quiet ones that you have to watch out for. Because they watch, and learn…. and that gives them understanding. And when they do choose to speak, there is power in their words.
So just for today… give it a try. Talk less.. listen more. You may be surprised at what you may learn.
Converting the world to introverts -SirHanz
As I continue my journey exploring my submissive side I have discovered a lot about myself. Mostly good, some… well.. it depends on the person I guess.
First a little background, i have never been a jealous man. I am definitely protective, but not jealous. I always viewed it like this.. if you trust someone, there is no need for jealousy. And if you dont.. maybe it’s time to reexamine the relationship or talk to the person and try to re establish that trust. And as for being protective.. yah. Maybe even over protective. But no one.. hurts my people.
And then i started exploring submission. And i felt jealousy. I wanted her attention and affection. And I didnt want her to give it to someone else. I really didnt like feeling that. And I didnt like that I had the feeling in the first place. It was so unlike me, here was someone I trust.. and I was jealous! Why? I struggled to understand but it finally came to me.
That’s part of the deal. When you give yourself to someone like that… you CRAVE them. You want to drown in their attention and their affection is like a drug. Even the little things you hold dear. Every “good job” or “you look nice” is like winning an award. Every “thank you” or “you are special to me” is like a shot of pure endorphins. I am hooked. And if the person your addicted to is giving out what you crave to someone else.. yah.. jealousy. Its petty and small. And it’s not like me at all.. unless apparently it is.
So yes.. I am jealous. It’s not the “pay attention to me or else” kind of jealousy. But it is the “I wish that was me” kind. Something for me to work on I am shure. But at least now I understand it.
Best wishes -SirHanz
At it’s core this is what being a dominant is all about. Control of yourself first and foremost. If you can’t control yourself, how can you expect a submissive to feel safe being controlled by you? But how do you define self control? I can only speak for myself but this is how I look at it.
I hold a tight control over my own emotions. I do not get angry. I may be annoyed from time to time, but angry? No. That would mean giving up control of myself and I refuse to do that.
I control my fear. (Read the fear blog if you want to know more about that one).
I control my lust. I will not be dragged around by my fun bits. Shure.. I have sexual wants and needs.. but they dont dictate my actions.
I control my body. Because of the often physical outdoor work I do I have to be consistently mindful of my own physical condition.
I control what I say. I dont talk a lot, i have always liked the saying “think more, talk less” if i am quiet it is not because i am shy or withdrawn. I am thinking.
I control myself in a myriad of little ways. And that’s why I can walk across any room like I fucking own it. I’m not talking about a cocky strut or a slink. I am talking about walking like I would walk in my own home…. anywhere. (Have I mentioned how modest I am? No? I will.)
Now when it comes to controlling another the first thing any good dom needs is consent. You can’t control someone who doesn’t want you to control them. And if you try not only do you look like an asshat, but you will lose any credibility you may have had. Control of another must be given. And though some choose not to it can be revoked at any time. So charish it as a gift. Because it is.
Once someone has given you control over them you need to live up to the responsibility they just placed in your hands. This is not easy by any means. Those that think a dom just sits back and give orders and whippings have no idea the work that good doms put into their dynamic. Yes.. it is work. But the pay and benefits package are both excellent.
Best wishes from a sleepy dom -SirHanz
Fear is the mind killer…
The little death that brings total obliteration…
I will face my fear and let it pass through me…
Where it has gone there shall be nothing…
Only I will remain..
-Frank Hurbert
This one quote has gotten me through more tough situations than I can remember. Today I was thinking about fear..
Fear can be a tool, a weapon, or a poison.
It can warn us of danger, protect us, or cripple us.
For years my only mode of transportation was my motorcycle, inside my helmet I had written “pay attention or die” if ever there was a day when I didnt have a healthy fear of rideing then it was time to hang up my leathers for good. A healthy fear is based on the knowledge of danger. It keeps you alert and focused, so when the semi truck does not see you beside him on the overpass and decides to move over a lane you have that extra half second to gun the engine and get the hell out of the way. This is a rational fear, and is constructive.
Now we turn to the fear of the unknown. This one is baked into our very DNA. It is an evolutionary trait that has helped the human race survive. However, now that we are not hiding in a cave from the thing in the dark we must take a good hard look at our own fears and decide if we are ok with not learning or experiencing something because we dont understand it yet. Sometimes we can research, find more information and alleviate the fear. But other things must be experienced to be understood.
Lastly let’s talk about irrational fear. This is a big one. How do you explain irrational fear? It is by definition irrational! The answer is that irrational fear just doesn’t exist. There is ALWAYS a reason. Even if we dont know or understand why… the reason is there. Afraid of heights? Maybe you were tossed in the air as a child and it scared you enough that you now have a subconscious fear of falling. My point is that all fear comes from something. If this was not true then we would be born afraid of certain things… and we just aren’t.
So now that we understand fear a little better.. what do we do to control our fear? For that you need to just keep trying. It’s work. You keep trying different things until you find something that works. For me it was logic. But everyone is different, so what works for me probably isn’t the best choice for most others. Find what works for you.. and keep doing it. Do it so often that it becomes second nature and you dont even think about it anymore.
And then you wake up one day.. and the fear has passed through you.. and only you remain.
Best wishes -SirHanz
Gather round folks, time for another installment of “things I feel like talking about ”
Today’s chapter… the difference between knowing and understanding.
But first a joke.
A sub is sweeping the floor, but she has the broom turned sideways and it’s not working vary well. Another sub comes over and explains how to sweep and even shows her an example. The first sub goes right back to trying to sweep with the edge of the broom. The helpful sub “no no no! Here, I will show you again..” she demonstrates again and hands the broom back. The first sub starts sweeping with the edge of the broom again. A dom walks over, grabs the broom from the sub, hits her three times on the ass with it and yells “do it right!” The sub immediately starts sweeping correctly. The helpful sub “I just showed you how to do that! Why didn’t you listen to me!” The first sub “well you didn’t explain it like he did!”
This is a tough one to put into words. How can you know something and not understand it? Let’s put this in the context of a sub who has been given instruction on a particular task. They may remember the task and the steps they need to complete to finish it… and that’s knowing. But understanding? Let’s look at what that would require. Do they know why they are being told to do the task? How does the task serve their dom? What will they learn from doing this? How will they feel when they are done? How will the dom feel? Ect..
Answer all those deeper questions and you have understanding. See the difference? It is knowing to memorize. But this in itself doesn’t bring understanding. We should always be seeking those deeper layers. Thinking about things that we know from different angles and slowly changing that knowledge to understanding.
And now you know. But ask yourself, do I understand?
Knotty Thoughts 