Grass sparkleing like stars in the cold morning light,
It crunches softly as I walk,
Breath steaming clouds of white,
Wraped warm in wool and leather…
I stop and listen as the world slowly fades,
From shineing beauty gone too soon,
To browns.. greens.. and grays,
As a raven calls his mournful tune…
I watch my footprints etched in frost,
Fade like memories,
Of joy long lost,
In the misty days of winters past…
Chill wind soothes my forgotten heart,
A silken caress on fevered lips,
But I can stay no longer and turn to depart,
As morning clouds scatter like sinking ships.
Am I innocent no longer?
Desires growing stronger,
Flames riseing over distance and time,
Sinful visions fill my mind,
Can I be pure of heart,
Yet have a lustful soul?
Is this just a part,
Or the tainted whole,
My shineing armor,
Is tarnished it seems,
With years of suffering,
And broken dreams,
But still I smile,
And laugh with joy,
For Inside steel and muscle,
Is a wide eyed little boy,
Who still sees the beauty,
In the shadows of night,
And loves you fiercely,
Be it wrong or right,
You can see him sometimes…
In the gray of my eyes,
Still waiting for that joyful surprise,
Of a beautiful girl,
Who wants to play,
And boldly asks,
If she can stay,
As we steal away,
To a private place,
With butterflies,
And hearts that race,
Holding hands.. a tender kiss,
All unknowing but wanting more of this…
He is still there,
The other part of me,
Kept safe and hidden,
For the girl to see,
Protected by walls,
Chains and locks,
Untill one day…
When the girl in you knocks.
She hung from the branches, Naked and exposed, Wrists bound tight, Delicately posed, The light was just right, Caressing tanned skin, On this Hallows eve, We are ready to begin.. Hot wax dripping, Across her thighs, Moans and gasps, The cliffs echo her cries, Supple chest bound in rope, A breeze, Such a tease, Desire growing.. its hard to cope, Legs spread wide, Secret places on display, An arousing sight, Should anyone pass this way, Silenced with a kiss, As fingers explore, Groaning into my mouth, A plea for more, Her pleasure is mine, To give or deny, I let it build, And unzip my fly, I nip at her lips, Then muffle her voice, Today the ball gag, Shall be my choice, Her legs begin to twitch, My beautiful Erose, Sopping wet, I know she is close, Pulling away I slap her rear, Her muffled gasps, So sweet to hear, Ever so slowly, I press upward and in, Sensitive flesh.. engorged and red, She shakes and shudders, As I pull back her head, Holding tight.. knotted in her hair, Breasts heaving, In the cool evening air, She grips me tight, Oh.. what a sight, The faster I go, The better the show, I whisper in her ear, And tell her to cum, At last I see her, Completely undone, She jerks and writhes, Squeezing tight her eyes, Thrusting deep, Into she that is mine, A shiver.. as I kiss her spine, Her flawless submission, Wraped round my heart, As I lift her, Holding her legs apart, Faster and faster, Right on the edge, I pull out and plaster, Her ass with my seed, Her body hangs, Dizzy with need, But I’m not done, I still want to play, We will have more fun, Before the brake of day, Her sweating body, I gently let down, Laying her supine, Apon the blanket on the ground, Rubbing her legs, And kissing her wrists, Warming her up, For midnight trysts, Trick or treat comes a voice, From out of the trees, I grin and softly spread her knees, Here is your treat, I say to my guest, I know it’s the thing, That you like best, I watch her come forward, Already undressed… I slip out the gag, As my guest dives below, Her eyes are shineing, Licking hard and slow, My flowers eyes they glitter with lust, As her hips begin, To grind and thrust, Hard once again, Her mouth is hot on my skin, I nod my head, And she takes me in, A wet face appears from between her thighs, I grin as she holds up another surprise, A buzzing toy pressed between their clits, My flower contorts with orgasmic bliss, Moaning around me as the first wave hits, I cant hold out against this sexy sight, She swallows every drop, To my delight, We all collapse, Stated and warm, Skin to skin, Our bodys conform, Happy Halloween I say, Half in a daze, She smiles at me, Holding my gaze, Her voice is ragged.. barely a hiss, My grin widens as she whispers, I’ll get you for this….
I have been working a lot lately and it has been hard to write because I have been so tired. Worked late on Monday so i could take Tuesday off to rest. That did help the body aches some. Crashed early last night and woke at 6am from a dream that left me feeling nauseous. Tried to put it on the page to get it out of my head and that did help a little.
I dreamed of pain,
The pain of being cast away,
Ignored.. struggling In vain,
To be seen..
To be loved…
I wanted to yell,
To scream,
It was it’s own kind of hell,
Subconscious fears,
Makeing themselves known,
I awoke with half formed tears,
Shimmering in my vision,
Deep breath…. only a dream..
Only a dream.. only a dream.
As I sit today and contemplate my life.. my past.. my future.. I stare up at the gray clouded sky and it today seems like a mirror. I have never been the dark.. or the light. But always something in between. People are always looking for one or the other it seems. A bad boy… a good man.. but almost never a gentle heart with a naughty mind. Though.. I may be just dence and dont see it.
I am also at fault for hiding myself through much of my life. Not literally.. but hiding my true self. I have my reasons, and they are valid I believe. But it makes most interactions with people feel a little off. They see only what I show them, not who I really am. And even if I told them all about me most could never really understand. So I wear the mask, both as protection for myself and to make it easy for others to interact with the me they see.
And then something happens… I meet someone.. someone who does understand. And I am lost. Imagine going through your life.. year after year.. able to talk and sing.. in a world full of mutes. No one talks.. no one sings.. and you have to pretend to be mute to be accepted by the world.
Then you hear a voice, singing in the darkness. You follow the sound and find someone incredibly beautiful… you free your voice and speak without the mask. The connection is instant. They are kind.. brilliant.. and share so much in common it’s scary. Could you not fall for them? With the potential to be able to share so much of yourself that you have kept hidden.. could you not love them? Knowing the pain they have suffered… could you not want to embrace them and do whatever you could to ease their burden and make them happy?
I ask myself if this is the weaving of fate.. or simply luck.. I know not. But whatever it is… it is real. At least to me. I dont know what the future holds for me. But I know this tarnished mask grows heavy with age. And some days.. the gray days that portend cold rain… all I want is to let it fall and damm the consequences. But I can not… the price is too high. But one day.. one day i know, it will be too heavy. And on that day.. I will be free. Or i will burn. I have time yet.. maybe years, i hope i can live them well. And maybe.. if i am just lucky enough.. spend them with someone who can hear me sing.
For now i look forward along the misty path, it is narrow and there are many temptations to lure me from it into the dark. But strength still remains in me and while it does i shall not falter. So i work.. and rest when i am too weary to continue, i learn and look within to make myself a little better each day. And I hope to one day no longer be the gray sky that fills me with longing and wistful desire for that which is beyond my reach. I hope to be the light.
Eyes unfocused, Feeling her need, As she takes the lead, Jerking the leash, Leather bites, Pulling me close, Invisible chains, Binding my ghost, Offered freely, Taken darkly, The holy fire, Chokeing the shadows, In me, As she, Rips down my walls, Brick by brick, The whip falls, Burning the forest, In my mind, Leavening me naked, Vulnerable, Exposed, Lost in submission… One more push, Embarrassing her will, Would crush, The fragile soul, Then her breath, Tender and loveing, Charished devotion, Wraped in warmth, Joy and pain, Blending in my tears, Soft lips, Consuming pleasure, Devouring sanity, With a cry, Wrenched, From two souls, Collapsing light, Into velvet night, Two glass hearts, Fused in the fire, Glow softly, Cooling, In the ashes, Of loveing destruction.
It was a hole in the wall kind of place, Tables and booths, Not much space, Where I sat beside her, And gently caressed her face, Her smile was teaseing, Inviting me to taste, I wanted those lips, With not a moment to waste, Her kiss was passion, Sensual grace, Hungering for more, I matched her pace, Hardyet gentle, Tounges dance and chase, Deeper.. growing.. never enough, Two hearts together race, I could feel her heat, Through our embrace, Drawing me in, Nothing would ever replace, The desire in that kiss..
The mixture of pain and pleasure all steeped like dark tea in the cocktail of endorphins can be a wonderful and heady brew. In reading another blog today I got to thinking about our body’s ability to adapt and our brains ability to normalize pain. First let’s look at the body. Skin is one of the most sensitive organs of the body. In the context of pain it is the early warning system that teaches our brain to avoid damage. When just starting out in bdsm you may look at more experienced people and think “oh gawd.. there is no way I would enjoy that! That must hurt like crazy!” But the way their brain processes pain is different. When the skin feels pain the brain is sent a damage signal and somewhere deep in our subconscious we think “death imanant! Run away!”. But when repeated many times over and no lasting harm or death occurs… something changes in our brain. We start to ignore it. Oh.. you still feel it. But the brain has shut down many of the nerve endings and the sharp intensity you once felt is no longer there. And so in order to recapture that feeling we may choose to use the cane instead of the crop. Or the paddle instead of the hand. The change in sensation to one the brain has not learned is “ok” puts you right back in that “danger! Damage imanant!” Mode that triggers the wonderful rush of endorphins.
Now let’s look at the mind, and how pain is processed. I touched on that a bit with the skin mind connection but there is a lot more going on up there than the subconscious responses. When pain and pleasure are mixed it forms a mental connection between the two over time. Pain in certain areas becomes a trigger to evoke memories of pleasure. Getting a slap on the ass goes from “ouch!” To “mmmmmmmm”. The memory of pleasure overrides the momentary sting. Once that link has been made the mind seeks out that intense feeling once more. And when it becomes a desire.. we crave it. The human brain is a marvel, its ability to adapt to just about anything has made us the dominant species on the planet. And in bdsm we exploit that adaptability. Each time we experience that rush of openness and complete vulnerability often referred to as subspace our brain begins to see it as more and more normal. And thus it is easyer to slip back into. Our use of pain and pleasure combined while enjoyable is merely the key that unlocks that part of our mind. I dont speak from personal experience as I have not been in subspace before. Though I look forward to it. I spent quite a bit of time observing and learning about it through a combination of anatomy, psychology, and talking to the submissives I have worked with in the past. I hope you have enjoyed my little diversion into the topic. Best wishes -SirHanz
Like a humming note, In the back of my mind, It has been there, As long as I can remember, And when gone, As I walk amongst the trees, The silence is deafening… I watch the sun sinking low, Its golden rays illuminate, Leafy green and gold, Laying my hand apon the rough bark, Cold wind gnashing at my cheeks, And howling among the branches, I let it fill my lungs, Cooling my blood, Sweeping away the endless struggle, There is peace in this moment, With the smell of dried grass, And the taste of winter, I turn and walk back along the path, Thinking… one day… maybe…. I will share this.. With someone I love.. And there will be two sets of footprints, In the dust, Untill the wind blows, And leaves us, With only memory.
Knotty Thoughts 